'Bachelor' Jason: 'I'm Not Proud of What I Had to Do'

Though he made up his own mind privately, the producers made him announce his decision on camera. That’s Jason Mesnick’s explanation for publicly dumping his fiancée, Bachelor winner Melissa Rycroft, in favor of runner-up Molly Malaney on Monday night’s Bachelor finale.

He would have preferred to have delivered the news to Rycroft of camera, except “that was part of the deal. I signed up for it in my contract. Your relationship is – good and bad – in front of everybody,” says Mesnick, who talked exclusively to PEOPLE about the surprising turn of events during Monday night’s Bachelor finale on ABC and the After the Final Rose wrap-up show.

“If I could have, I would have seen Melissa the night before. It killed me. It kills me now.”

The single dad, 32, proposed to an overjoyed Rycroft, 25, in the two-hour finale. But on After the Final Rose, which was shot six weeks later, he gave her the boot and confessed he still had feelings for Malaney, 24, who agreed to give him another chance.

Mesnick, who was rejected by DeAnna Pappas on The Bacherlotte last year, says he knows what Bachelor viewers must think of him: ” ‘That guy is a jerk.’ But I’m not proud of what I had to do.”

He adamantly denies reports that his relationship flip-flopping was an elaborate ratings ploy. “I swear on my son’s life, I would never be part of something like that, he says. “The reason I changed my mind is that it was in my heart.”

Kept Doubts Quiet

Soon after The Bachelor‘s cameras stopped rolling, the euphoria of his engagement to Melissa began to fade. “After we got back into the real world, all of a sudden, we had less to talk about and I didn’t know why. I started thinking wow, what’s happening? Why aren’t we communicating the way we did when the show was going on?” says Jason, who held off on sharing his doubts with Melissa.

“I didn’t say something right away because I wanted to figure out what was going in inside of me,” he says. “There was part of me that wanted things to work out with Melissa so bad. But the whole other piece was I had these crazy feelings for Molly.”

Finally, Jason says, he could not deny the truth: “Melissa and I just have different ways of communicating. We’re not right for each other.”

‘She Knew It Was Over’

And while he did not officially break things off with Melissa until After the Final Rose, Jason insists that she could see the writing on the wall.

“She asked me before we went on if Molly had something to do with it, and I said yes. But she didn t know all the details. I think our last conversation before we did [the show] was, ‘Are you really going to wear the ring out there? Why would you?’ She knew it was over.”

Still, Jason says he has no regrets about his decision. “The worst thing I thought I could do is break up with Melissa and ask somebody else out. But I thought if this is what’s inside of me, I’ve got to say it. I was willing to take that risk.”

For much more from Jason, including all the details about the status of his relationship with Molly, don’t miss this week’s issue of PEOPLE, on newsstands Friday