How can we get our 5 year old to behave during eating, without us nagging all the time?

Question

We want our 5 (almost 6) year old daughter to do certain things while we are eating together -- she should remain seated, use cutlery instead of eating with her hands, and eat at least a tiny bit of everything.

She doesn't want to, she constantly wants to jump off to get things, play with her baby brother, eat with her hands, or eat nothing at all.

So the way it often goes is that we tell her to use cutlery, she doesn't, we tell her again, she doesn't, we threaten punishment... every small thing becomes a power struggle and the atmosphere is extremely negative.

If we don't do that, she eats a tiny bit (or nothing) with her hands and leaves, we don't think that is acceptable.

We have used a system in the past where she got a sticker if she went the whole meal without standing up, or without eating with her hands. It worked for a few days, then she stopped caring and went back to her old ways.

We want to have some minimal standards, but we really need to get a more positive atmosphere. How can we?

NOTE: this has a long history; as a newborn she had cow milk allergy that hurt her through her mother's breast milk, and reflux. She refused to eat anything besides mother's milk until 14 months (growth halted at 8 months, she even lost some weight in the half year after), until she got an infection in her mouth and refused to eat altogether. She was in the hospital for a week. Then we finally got her to eat, but she needed distraction with toys etc while eating -- this got worse and worse until she needed lots of distraction for every single bite. Then she was in eating therapy until 3.5 years or so, and we were able to get her to open her mouth and accept spoons with food on command. Then we switched to regular food that she eats herself and we had to leave that system, since then it's a big power struggle to get her to eat at all -- but she is eating enough now.

Edit: note that she eats enough now! I'm not afraid that she doesn't get enough nutrients, the problem is now how we can have meals with a little less tension and also still get her to behave a bit better.

We all hate meals though, and they're always power struggles...

Answer 1

The problem with issues like table manners is twofold: first, you want your children to behave appropriately; but second, you also want your children to choose to behave appropriately. Teaching the first is not all that difficult; punishments, delivered appropriately, will certainly yield a result eventually.

Teaching the second, however, won't necessarily come with punishments. Your child will need to learn why she needs to behave in that manner, and that reason is not "because I told you so". The reason is complicated, but ultimately comes down to a combination of "wanting to satisfy your nutritional needs", "society expects you to act in a certain way", "family time is important", etc.; but even there, you need her to understand those as well, and to decide to value those things (at least some). A five year old likely doesn't completely understand why it's important to eat a balanced meal, doesn't really get why she should follow societal norms, and doesn't care much about family time.

We struggle with this some with our three year old, probably as much as any other parents do I suspect. How we deal with this, is twofold.

First, when we ask him to come to dinner and he resists, we remind him why we're asking him. Then, we also provide him a reason to want to cooperate. This isn't always ideal, because I'd rather him cooperate because of the good reasons inherent in the activity - but it does help reinforce the activity, which is good in itself. This is basically how the conversation goes, except it often stops earlier than the last line; as he grows older and matures, we hope to see it become internal largely, where he understands all of these whys.

R, please come to dinner, it's dinnertime.

I don't want to have dinner.

I know, but it's important that you eat dinner so you aren't hungry, and so you grow up big and strong.

I don't want to have dinner. I'm not hungry.

Okay, but we still eat dinner together at the table so we can spend some time together. Besides, you might like some of what we made.

I don't want to have dinner. I want to play.

I know, and I love you, but everyone needs to sit together just for a little while. Why don't you come pick out which plate and fork you want to use?

I want Cars fork.

And now he's at the dinner table. Also works is "What drink do you want" and "Do you want to help serve?" from time to time (if it's something he can help with at his age). We do sometimes have discussions about some of the 'why' questions above - 'Why do we eat together', 'Why do I need to eat to grow up big and strong', etc.; if he asks, we have a (short) discussion about it. He's only 3, but he already has a pretty decent understanding of some of this.

We would use a few techniques that are not exactly positive, if needed; particularly, 'no playing with toys during dinner', and the final alternative to dinner is going directly to bed (which is used only if I'm too sick is the reason - if you're truly sick, you should go to bed early, and in the few cases he's been willing to do that, I believe he probably was happier that way). But overall, we try to keep it positive as much as possible, because that will lead (hopefully!) to more buy-in on his part.

The major advantage of trying to get buy-in as opposed to using punishments to enforce behavior is that she will choose to behave this way when not around you more easily. It also allows her to develop her own personality more - while at 5 or 6 you probably don't have much opportunity to choose to participate (or not) in socially appropriate behavior, as she gets older she should have some choice here - so long as she has a concrete understanding of what that choice means. As an adult it took me years to learn to eat anything with my hands, because I'd been trained to not do so: so eating fried chicken with my hands was a difficult task for quite a few years, because it took me a long time to undo the 'training' that it was just wrong to eat that way; anything not on a bread product was off limits entirely. I learned over time what was appropriate and not, and why - but you can help your daughter learn this at a younger age, and should.

More explanation of this basic strategy towards child rearing is available in several books, including Parent Effectiveness Training. The basic concept is avoiding punishments, and instead teaching your child - even from an extremely young age - why you're asking him or her to do whatever you're asking.

Answer 2

The balance of power is very one-sided in a parent/child relationship. Children have very little power unless allowed by the parents. Probably you are giving her too much power because you want the outcome more than she does. The way to take it back is to find something she wants more, and take it away, or something she hates even worse, and make her endure it.

You say you are threatening punishment, but are you following through quickly? There should be no opportunity for a struggle. You give one or two warnings, then administer the consequence decisively. If it's not up for debate, don't debate it with her. Don't try to get the last word, because kids always win that game. Ignore her arguments, and if she persists, remove her from the situation until she's ready to accept her responsibility and come back.

That being said, I try not to be that harsh except for issues that are truly not up for debate. In my opinion, that would include quickly eating enough to meet her nutritional needs. Given your daughter's history, I personally would let the cutlery and sitting down go for now, and just focus on the core issue. After she has that down, you can add more requirements one at a time. Pick your battles, and you're more likely to win them.

Answer 3

Something important is missing here, and that's her pattern of behavior away from the table. That has to be a factor in all of this. If she's a little bundle of energy all the other times, well, it's going to be harder.

My first question is, what did she get for her stickers? If all she got were stickers, that wouldn't work for me, either! How would you feel is you went to work, and you got "paid" by getting a pretty bunch of stickers on a sheet of paper? That may sound silly, but the reward needs to be an actual reward - to her.

One of your options is to up the reward to something meaningful. At the same time, it needs to occur in a time frame she can hold out for. Younger children need immediate rewards; your daughter is at an age where she need to get a reward in a few days time at most. What does she love that you think is something she might benefit from working for? (You can always ask her.) It could be an activity you do together as well as a more concrete object.

Another option is to use discipline more effectively. Some parents don't believe in disciplining a child. Done well, though, I think it's a valuable learning experience, not a way to turn your kids into little marionettes. My favorite book on discipline is 1-2-3 Magic by Thomas Phalen. One of the things I love about 1-2-3 Magic is that arguing is dispensed with entirely (obviously if done wisely).

Inconsistency, though, is counter-productive. Though it is difficult, always follow through on boundaries you set with/for a child. That involves negotiation away from the area of conflict, and picking your battles.

I think you're wise here to be wary of food fights. Food has been her enemy often enough. My usual approach is that no child voluntarily starves in the presence of food, but your daughter has more than the typical history with food. You might want to check her health a bit more deeply than the average 6 year old (in other words, blood tests to rule out nutritional problems) and possibly to ask a therapist about a plan of action. To be reassured that she's quite well might help you to relax a bit about what she eats and concentrate on how she's eating instead.

Answer 4

What follows assumes you've tried the method of explaining to the child why she should behave a certain way, and that hasn't worked. (Sadly, it turns out that understanding and behavior are only very weakly linked with one another.)

Here's the science of operant conditioning would suggest you do:

1. Be very specific about what you want. Often, this means identifying the positive opposite of what you don't want. If you don't know what behavior you want to cultivate, it will be hard to train. Sometimes it's a long list. That's OK, just pick your top two or three and start there. For our extremely energetic 4yo boy, it was (a) sitting in his chair for the entire meal, (b) asking for and receiving permission before leaving the table ("May I please be excused?"), (c) trying at least one bite of everything on his plate, (d) leaving what he didn't like on his plate without complaint (no 'Gross!' or 'I hate it!'), (e) asking politely for things he wanted ('please pass the..'); (f) engaging in conversation with grown-ups. We started with a & b, then did c, d, and e, then f.

2. At least three times a meal, praise your child for doing what she should be doing when she does it. The praise should: (a) immediately follow the behavior you want to reinforce, (b) be enthusiastic, (c) describe exactly is good, and (d) be accompanied by something nonverbal like an affectionate touch or high-five. Three or more times a meal may seem like it's a lot, and it would be if you had to do it forever. But you won't! After a week or two, you'll find you won't be doing it all because your child will just start to do the thing you are praising. (Congratulations, you've just helped your child develop a good habit!)

3. Ignore the bad behavior entirely. Behavior experts agree that emotional responses -- even negative ones -- reinforce behavior. (I find this very frustrating. If I could teach my child by scolding, I would. Personally, I find scolding to be very satisfying for me in the moment -- it's the main habit I've had to train myself out of!)

There are other ways to reward good behavior: stickers, etc. But the best and easiest is your praise and affection. Children crave it, and respond to it. And guess what: it works in tons of other situations, too! Try it out science-style: keep a lab-style journal of your effort for two weeks, and track the number of bad behaviors. When I first tried this out, it was like magic -- like when you see physics in action.

Things that recommend this method: (1) it is very simple and explicit; (2) it is based on science: research shows that this type of reward in particular increases compliance; (3) it is loving & non-shaming; (4) it doesn't reinforce the bad behavior with scolding, escalating, or punishment. And, don't forget: you get to have a lot of loving and affectionate interactions with your child! It's win-win! (Well, except for having to give up on scolding.)

For more details, have a look at Alan Kazdin, Everyday Parenting Techniques. Also, I love that science helped me help my kid to be happy and well-behaved. Yay, science!

Answer 5

Make eating with cutlery a privilege, not a duty.

Don't give her any cutlery for a while, then give her sloppy food without a spoon (you can leave a spoon or fork lying around). Ask "are you big enough to use a fork?". Use some cute fork with a cartoon figure on it.

Set a good example. Always eat tidily, and make it a fun time, where people chat about their day. Let her feed you with your own fork.

Get her involved in preparation - she can cut up tomatoes with her craft scissors, etc.

Take her shopping - mmm, what shall we cook today, what do you fancy?

Answer 6

My daughter, now 8.5, also used to struggle us at every situation she got in (and she still does). I don't want this, I don't want that, you never listen to me, my brother may do that but I don't, it's always my fault, you don't love me, I don't love you, and so on.

This is life, these are kids, that's almost standard. No kid in the world grows up sitting at the table eating like a princess. It is a struggle, it is a fight. This sounds harsh, but this is reality. The question is, how do you turn it into something acceptable. I think that setting clear rules makes it easier for all. E.g.: Everyone sits at the table until only on person is left eating, and then you may get up. If you get up too early without asking, we will take away your music for tonight.

It is you who set the rules. You determine what boundaries may be touched or even bent, and what is the line not to cross. Most important: you are responsible that your kid doesn't want to cross the line. You must be willing to do what you threaten with. If you say "I will take away your doll for a week" but you never do, you have lost. Every single time you threaten her but don't punish her after crossing the line, making her accept that line gets harder. Think of it when threatening her in anger - yelling is not productive either. Be calm and act as if it is not a discussion, as it is not. Tell her it is not a discussion, tell her why you punish her, tell her what her reward is if she behaves good. Tell her afterwards that she determined the outcome.

In my opinion treating her like a special kid will make her special. If she gets used to being special, she will fully accept that role and play it against you. The sister of my wife is such a person and that is nothing you want your daughter to be.

Of course acting like you want her to act (beeing a good example) is self-explanatory. Distracting her from what she is complaining about may help once or twice, but only shows that you don't wanna enforce your own rule and the including punishment.

The goal is to reach a level where everyone knows that it is not worth discussing about sitting at the table. This process will take about 20 years.

Answer 7

I think it's important to solve why is she hating food? What message are you sending about food? From the description, it sounds like "It's time you stop playing and try to behave and eat" Maybe you also are taking the meal time as a tedious routine... I agree with RedSonja, get her involved in preparation and make it a fun time to be together.