April Fools’ Day is one week from today. What started this day of pranks, who knows. Its birth predates even our biggest jokes Adam Schiff and Jerry Nadler.
The idea traces to 1698 when, supposedly, lions would be washed at the Tower of London. Didn’t happen. As of now, neither Epstein’s buddy, Prince Andrew, nor Meghan’s hubby, Prince Empty, got scrubbed there.
Whoopi Goldberg told Arsenio Hall that early on she worked as a beautician in a morgue. When the funeral director stuck one of his friends in place and the body moved she became so frightened that “I fainted.”When she was young and innocent, Sophia Loren, who then spoke little English, was taught bad, bad words by bad, bad Sinatra, whose next lesson was instructing her to drop them in casual conversation.
Jim Carrey told Entertainment Tonight: “In third grade, in Toronto’s Blessed Trinity School, a girl was 2 feet taller. (He’s now 6 foot 2). She’d pick me apart. When one day I wound up with a bloody nose, I took a swing at her — and I couldn’t even reach her!”
“Tales From Annapolis” recalls Jimmy Carter — class of ’46 — being hazed by upperclassmen because, as a plebe, he refused to sing “Marching Through Georgia.”
Jerry O’Connell: “Once I gave my friend a fake scratch-off ticket that said he won $10,000. He bought everyone at a bar, total strangers, drinks. I later had to reimburse him for the whole tab.”Woody Harrelson, pretending to be a gunman, pointed a real pistol at Sean Penn. Later, Sean paid him back. Invited Woody to a party, put him in a car, drove 40 miles into Australia’s outback, pretended to get stuck, and when Woody got out to push, sped off leaving the guy alone, stranded, at night, with no phone and no food.
Pitt-falls of a kiss
Brad Pitt to the Enquirer: “I was in fourth grade … we made a plan to meet in this girl’s garage and kiss. Took me half an hour to get the courage to go. But I went up to her, kissed her, then ran home.”
Late bad-boy designer Alexander McQueen admitted he’d drawn an image of a male sex organ “inside the Prince of Wales’ jacket that I’d made at Savile Row — and it made me smile every time the prince was on the news.”
By George, that’s funny
George Clooney’s a prank specialist. On “Ocean’s Twelve,” they said to watch when you open a door because a bucket of water could fall on your head. George props it up at the top. Also, it’s tacks on your seat. Also, he once let a rabbit loose in someone’s room. And one male star cluelessly drove a car with a sign George stuck on it that said: “Small penis aboard.”
Rene Russo: “In high school, I was skinny, skinny, skinny and taller than all the boys. I know what it’s like being made fun of. I don’t feel I’ve ever gotten out of high school.”
In-flight scare
Reported on E! Online: On an LA to San Fran flight, Nicolas Cage got on the PA, identified himself as the captain and said he was having a seizure. The crew saw no humor in the stunt and, on arrival, he was met by authorities.
Rolling Stone mag: When Johnny Rotten visited the Ramones backstage in London, the band offered him a beer. He didn’t know that they’d dribbled some of their pee in it as a joke.
Umm, try again
Arnold Schwarzenegger. Early ’70s. He calls it “The most embarrassing moment of my life.” He pointed to a seafood platter and what emanated from out of his heavy Austrian accent was: “I’ll have that crap cocktail.”
This was no prank. This real statement flopped from the lips of Britney Spears and was then repeated in the Las Vegas Review-Journal: “The cool thing about being famous is traveling. I have always wanted to travel across seas, like to Canada and stuff.”
Happy April Fools’ Day next week — and kindly be aware that on that very day I shall announce my candidacy for president — but for only in New York, kids, only in New York.