Homebound, quarantined, unemployed, to be marooned on a desert island when that island’s New York City — is what?
It’s a mane of thick chestnut-color hair turning gray. Then, white. Then, sparse. Then, who the hell cares.
Teeth once whiter than an Ipana ad now rivaling corn on the cob.
Nobody’s talking Botox, collagen or laser. Talking about it — no. Thinking about it — yes.
A doctor who made you sit an hour in a crowded waiting room now makes you sit an hour in an empty waiting room.
Dining al fresco as a back-talking gassy bus garnishes your salad.
Nail salon when who knows whose fingers the manicurist sneezed on.
Shove your gym, stick the yoga. Schlepping home available rolls of toilet paper keeps you limber.
Feeling bad in the morning without having had fun the night before, one Zoom caller told her analyst: “I’m a virgin but not a
fanatic about it.” With nobody phoning for invitations she now gets off even on a wrong number.
Body changes. Not weight. Width. Not saying this happened to me but the narrow waist and broad mind suddenly switched places.
Also, who’s going anywhere? The only thing good is that distant relatives stay that way — distant.
Forget flying. One French airline stopped showing movies — now it’s postcards.
New York. City of opportunity. Everyone can become a taxpayer. Our supermarkets sell huge amounts of food but now with coronavirus nothing’s on the shelves.
And enough with living on cellphones. My neighbor shouted into hers: “What do you mean this is a recording? You phoned me!”
All in the spooky spirit
Halloween. Johnny Depp, Katy Perry, Keith Richards, Billie Eilish, Sylvester Stallone, Nicolas Cage, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Steven Tyler are into bone jewelry and skull rings. “Prince of Darkness” Ozzy Osbourne eyed a white, black and brown diamond one for $9,850. His son Jack and paranormal researcher Katrina Weidman are into filming Travel Channel’s ghost-hunting show “Portals to Hell” inside New Orleans’ M.S. Rau shop, which has ghostly items — human skull in multicolored marble ($14,850), “The Hugger” erotic bronze statue featuring the devil ($48,500) and painting “Death’s Arrest” that hung in the Royal Academy and now can jazz up your living room for $49,850.
More Halloween. Hunting a cozy place to rattle your bones? Try Pennsylvania’s creepy house featured in “The Silence of the Lambs,” home of the movie’s deranged serial killer Buffalo Bill. The thing’s for sale for $300,000. Its exterior’s unchanged since the filming 30 years ago.
Court in store
Oct. 15 our Court of Appeals will hear the Columbia University and D’Agostino Supermarkets case. Seems D’Agostino leased space from Columbia, set to expire 2018, but surrendered its lease two years early, paid the balance of rent owed ($1,029,000), plus found new tenant. Now Columbia’s suing for an additional $295,000, claiming it’s due as damages or something. Lower courts found Columbia’s petition “unenforceable, unreasonable and confiscatory.” Now the state’s highest court will decide.
Columbia University is known for law. Their legal fee will be higher than what they’re suing for.
Now ‘Public’
YouTube’s doc “Public Trust” warns Grand Canyon could become an Exxon station. Producer Robert Redford: “Our country has millions of acres of public lands, national parks, monuments, wildlife refuges, wildernesses set aside for future generations. ‘Public Trust’ tells the story of citizens who are fighting back.”
Edward Norton, hosting the preview: “Even in this moment of deep polarization, some things we must unite around, like defense of our public lands. They’ve never been more threatened.”
Washington, where besides Russians, Ukrainians, technicians, statisticians and politicians, even youngsters are known to leak, comes whispers that legally bland candidate Joe Boredom — father of millionaire Hunter — has declared it immoral to clone human beings. Unless, of course, they’re campaign contributors.
Only in DC, kids, only in DC.