Hilaria Baldwin has described in a new essay the “surreal turn of events” she went through last year as she experienced two miscarriages within seven months of each other.
The 36-year-old “Mom Brain” podcast host wrote in a piece for Glamour that she “couldn’t stop sobbing” when she found out at a regularly scheduled scan that she lost her second baby at four months.
“As soon as the sonogram image appeared on the screen, I saw that my baby had died. There was no movement, no heartbeat. She was crumpled up, lifeless in my womb,” wrote Baldwin, who’s married to actor Alec Baldwin and shares four children with him.
“I began to cry. The doctor told me to hold still as she tried to figure out what had happened,” she wrote of losing her baby girl. “I can’t remember much except that I got dressed, thanked everyone for their care, and asked for permission to go. I just began walking. I got in a cab at some point, making calls, scheduling a follow-up D&E, and canceling work accordingly.”
A D&E is a surgical procedure to evacuate a fetus.
The news left Hilaria shocked and dismayed. She had expected to share photos of the sonogram of her baby with family and friends and instead left “needing to tell them all that she had died.”
Though Hilaria previously had lost a baby at 10 weeks, the idea of losing a baby four months into her pregnancy left her far more devastated than she could’ve imagined.
“Even though I’d had a miscarriage before, I don’t think I could have fathomed how bad it could feel to have a miscarriage at 16 weeks,” she shared. “I had to go home and sleep with my dead baby inside of me. I felt sick, sour in my belly, and so devastated. I kept waking up and thinking it must have all been a very vivid bad dream. I cried so much that my eyes were nearly swollen shut. … This was a pain that I had never experienced before, and it felt suffocating.”
Hilaria ultimately turned to Instagram not only to share her story but also seek comfort from others who had suffered as she had. Some criticized Hilaria for grieving in such a public way but the yoga instructor said it helped her recover.
“Sharing not only let me come to terms with what was real, but it also allowed me to connect with such healing support from so many women wanting to talk about their own miscarriages,” she said. “We processed our losses together, realized we are not alone, and put this whole experience in the context of a life that is not always benevolent.
“This is your journey, your baby—you are the mother,” she added. “You are the one suffering, so you get to make the rules.”
Hilaria and Alec have four children together: Carmen, 6, Rafael, 4, Leonardo, 3, and Romeo, 1