May the dwarfs who run New York City’s rail system know that only one letter separates “run” from “ruin.”
However, my warm, kind nature apologizes in advance to subway specialists, MTA types, LIRR folks, Amtrak officials for what I now spotlight.
Japan. It has the superefficient Tsukuba Express bullet train. Now, pay attention. About six months ago, from Minami-Nagareyama Station, one departed 9:44:20 a.m. Scheduled to leave at 9:44:40 local time, we’re talking exactly 20 seconds ahead of schedule.
So horrendous was said miscalculation, so grievous this failing error, that the engineer made a national public apology. A deep, grovelling bow that made headlines. Its crew then guaranteed to prevent such evil recurrence.
Forget crashes, delays, manspreads, mix-ups, filth, flashers, track problems, sleepy operators, accidents, no air conditioning, overcrowding. Their biggest problem is running 20 seconds ahead of schedule.
Please pay attention
Before Kardashian’s large arse became fashionable, Helen Mirren, playing the queen in “The Queen,” had a false bottom. Producers said her character’s cheek needed more chic . . . Wednesday “60 Minutes” correspondent Lesley Stahl reads from her book, “Becoming Grandma: The Joys and Science of the New Grandparenting” at Children’s Museum of Manhattan . . . Longtime antique dealer Vito Gallo: “A Netflix scout suggested a documentary. Amusing anecdotes about my celebrity customers. I offered names beginning with Marlene Dietrich, Tammy Grimes, Mike Douglas, Betty Comden, Frank Langella, Bruce Willis and so on. He said, ‘I recognize Bruce Willis but never heard of the others.’ The idea was then canceled.”
Bubba Shake
Bill Clinton’s proper handshake lesson: “Do not just extend fingers. If the other person grabs quickly and doesn’t reach your palm, in shaking they may squeeze hard on extended fingers. If wearing a ring, it can cut into your skin.
“A handshake is no fingershake. Extend the entire hand. Full in. All the way to its completeness. Full length. Thumb to thumb. This way nothing gets hurt.”
Airport auction
Cannes. In airport hangar No. 16 a Picasso, a Dali and for 90,000 euros some 1987 Naomi Campbell photograph posing in some shmatta got auctioned. Carla Bruni and Bella Hadid, excited about this whole thing, wanted a photo taken of them together. To my knowledge, nobody bid on it.
Plastered pup
More vital information. Enthusiasts are pushing cannabis for dogs. Not enough monitoring Fido’s poop and pee — now it’s your pet’s pot. A vet visited Colorado, where they hustle weed even in candy stores and said: “Nice idea. This way your dog snoozes 24/7.”
One lady partook in a room with her 5-pound Maltese at her feet. After a joint or two, she got up — but for an hour the dog didn’t.
Fashion notes
Vintage clothing stores are closing. Consumers are into secondhand online. Buying for the first time used, perfect condition Chanels for under a fraction of original cost, which before they were never able to afford.
And old-time big-time designers are stepping down or fading out. Today, wash a blouse twice, and it’s finished.
Beading and embroidery’s still done in India but, complain couturiers, hand-finishing’s gone the way of Tyrannosaurus. Nobody teaches, learns or practices the dying art of perfection.
Keep it real
Real estate. After clients N. Kidman, A. Baldwin, M. Patinkin plus four deals in one building, Scott Stewart (wed to author Bruce Littlefield) is listing 20 East End’s penthouse — dining room, fireplace, 4,500 square feet, private roof — $39.5 mil.
With all TV’s cops ’n’ robbers shows doing well, networks now plan new versions.
They’re thinking to send a group of women to try and survive — in Central Park.
Only in New York, kids, only in New York.