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You think you know your partner inside and out. You know their hopes and dreams, their favorite food and movies. You can practically read each other’s minds after so many years together. Except when it comes to money.
Financial infidelity is rampant among couples, and it’s taking a major toll on relationships. Over four in 10 married or cohabitating U.S. adults admit to keeping a financial secret from their partner, according to a new Bankrate survey.
Of those couples, 28% believe keeping money secrets from their significant other is as bad as physical cheating, and 7% say it’s even worse.
So, what exactly is financial infidelity, and how can you and your partner avoid it?
What is financial infidelity?
Financial infidelity occurs when a couple lies to each other about money. This type of cheating can come in lots of different forms.
It could be a partner making secret purchases, racking up debt, or otherwise engaging in financial deception. Or, a partner may open secret credit cards, keep side accounts, lie about purchases, refuse to discuss finances or exhibit other sketchy financial behaviors without the other knowing.
Even in couples who have not merged their finances, keeping big secrets, like lying about how much debt you have, can be a form of financial infidelity.
According to the same Bankrate survey, some of the most common forms of financial infidelity include spending more than their partner would be OK with (30%) and accumulating debt without their partner knowing (23%). Other typical financial infidelities include:
- A secret savings account (19%)
- A secret credit card (18%)
- A secret checking account (17%)
While financial infidelity occurs across different age groups, younger couples display a greater propensity for keeping money secrets.
- The same survey found 67% of Gen Zers and 57% of Millennials report keeping at least one financial secret from a partner. Only 34% of Gen Xers and 33% of baby boomers report financial infidelity.
- Almost half of those with household incomes below $50,000 reported financial infidelity, compared to 34% of those with household incomes of $100,000 or more.
Money secrets — a scarlet letter?
To many, financial infidelity is as bad as physical infidelity. Lying and deception can violate the trust and transparency that relationships are built on. Since money impacts nearly every part of our lives, the deception can impact a couple’s plans.
“Financial infidelity can severely damage trust, which is a cornerstone of any relationship,” says Taylor Kovar, a certified financial planner. ��It can lead to feelings of betrayal, hurt, and a breakdown in communication. The financial repercussions can also be significant, potentially impacting credit scores, savings, and overall financial stability of the couple.”
A separate survey found that 38% of couples report financial problems as the reason they divorced.
Why do people financially cheat?
There are a few key reasons people commit financial infidelity.
“People may hide financial information out of fear of judgment or conflict, feelings of shame about their spending habits or debt, or a desire for control or independence in the relationship,” says Kovar.
Over one-third (37%) of those who have kept money secrets from their partner admit they desire privacy and control over their funds. One in three cite a lack of communication — the topic of money simply never came up. Another 28% said they were embarrassed by how they were handling money, so they kept it a secret.
Those secretly going into debt or lying about money often feel ashamed, guilty, and anxious. Avoiding or hiding the issue may feel easier than talking about it. But unfortunately, the deception often backfires, hurting the relationship when secrets come out.
How to confront money secrecy
Money is an intensely personal topic. Few people talk about it openly so financial infidelity can happen easily. That can also make dealing with financial infidelity very difficult.
The best way to confront financial infidelity is to make it an open discussion rather than an accusation. It’s important to feel like partners fighting against money secrecy rather than two people fighting each other.
“Repairing the relationship is possible, but it will take a lot of work,” says Regina McCann Hess, certified divorce financial analyst. “Both parties need to agree to ground rules moving forward and their commitment to taking the steps to heal. One or both may need to meet with a therapist to get to the root of the problem.”
Other to confronting financial infidelity include:
- Speak up as soon as possible
- Present facts, not accusations
- Ask direct questions and expect honest answers
- Get everything out in the open — amounts, accounts, debts
- Express how this infidelity makes you feel
- Ask for financial transparency moving forward
- Seek neutral financial counseling together
Building money transparency as a couple
Whether you’re a new couple or have been together for many years, there are ways you can build or rebuild financial transparency.
“A good way to have financial transparency in a relationship is to hold monthly or quarterly meetings to review the family finances,” says Hess. “Call it a financial check-in. To make it less stressful, I suggest going to breakfast on a Saturday morning and then coming back home and having a kitchen table conversation.”
Review your bank statements, investments, retirement accounts, and more. Doing this together can make both partners feel included and part of the conversations, says Hess. It’s also a good time to talk about financial goals.
It’s important to be upfront about respective attitudes and expectations around money. Agreeing on shared financial goals can help couples tackle money better together. You might also want to consider setting up automated alerts for major purchases so you can both stay on top of spending.
The bottom line
Financial infidelity is shockingly common — and it can deal a major blow to your relationship. Preventing it from happening in the first place is best, but if it happens to you, there are ways to overcome it.
Work with your partner as a partner rather than an adversary, and try to commit to honesty around your finances. Your relationship will improve for it, and aligning your financial habits and goals will help you reach them more quickly.
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