Cozy fires are lit, the smell of pine is omnipresent, and the pressures to merge family and make merry is at its zenith.
Indeed, ’tis the holiday season when many a mother-in-law is given free range to socialize, criticize, wear bedazzled white to a winter wedding, offer cash incentives for break-ups, do toxic math and engage in nonconsensual (and milk-less) breastfeeding.
If you dread that woman — and her long-expired mammaries — you are not alone.
A report by iVillage once found that 51% of women would rather stay home and clean the house than listen to their mothers-in-law, 36% would rather visit a gynecologist, 30% would rather have jury duty, and 28% would prefer to either do their taxes or get a root canal — dental drilling presumably being preferable to unsolicited advice and searing judgment.
Good news for those of us fighting the good fight to be loved and accepted — research suggests it’s not your fault if your mother-in-law hates you.
Animosity between in-laws is likely due to the fact that they “do not choose to have relationships with one another,” but are forced into familial bonds as “unintended consequences” of their children’s romantic relationships, the study says.
In honor of unintended consequences and not losing your s–t over the holiday ham, we bring you our lighthearted guide to dealing with monstrous matriarchs by zodiac sign. Good luck and godspeed.
ARIES (March 21 – April 19)
This MIL type will never be gentle, but will blessedly always be direct and oft-entertaining. Overbearing and brutally honest Aries can generally be soothed with a bad joke, well-timed physical comedy or an earnest request for help/mammalian signal of submission.
Under no circumstances should you EVER tell this woman to calm down. She will hit you. When she gets red in the face and out for blood, walk away calmly and wait patiently for the short-lived rage tempest to give way to clear skies and a signature lack of accountability.
TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)
Taurus women can be buttered up with any combination of actual butter, soft lighting, expensive cheese and fancy pajamas. Appoint them in a comfortable chair with easy access to the charcuterie board and they’ll be too busy chewing to think about your half-dead house plants and ugly throw pillows.
GEMINI (May 21 – June 20)
Any Gemini would rather be dead than bored, so come correct with conversation starters, gnarly gossip or questions about dead celebrities, intermittent fasting and/or controversial politics. This broad wants you to like her, even and perhaps especially if she doesn’t like you.
This type can easily be distracted by trivia games and counted on to talk to anyone or anything (comatose relative, parrot, ghost in the machine, etc.). Don’t leave them in charge of infants, emulsified sauces or time-sensitive tasks.
CANCER (June 21 – July 22)
As the mother of all mothers, Cancer MILs swing wildly between expansive arms and smothering love. They have a tendency to treat their children like emotional support animals and the partners of those children like TSA agents who are mishandling them.
At worst, they lean HARD into the victim role and deploy tactics of such intricate emotional manipulation that would be impressive if they weren’t so unhinged. Think Kathy Bates in “Misery.” Stay afloat in these cardinal waters by asking to see baby pictures of her children, disassociating when she offers advice, and inviting her to everything. Enmeshment as survival.
LEO (July 23 – August 22)
At their most toxic, Leo MILs view their children as an extension of themselves, and a gilded, flawless extension at that. All hail, all gag. Do not deign to complain with this lot, and for the love of god and country, put her fruitcake front and center on the dessert table.
Curry favor by hiring a professional photographer to capture family moments and be gracious/cowering enough to see yourself into the background or out of the frame.
VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)
For Virgo MILs, criticism is how she shows she cares — and service is her love language. Thus, give this b—h a pot to scrub or a gift to wrap, as idle hands are the Virgo’s invitation to advise. Don’t be sorry, just be better.
LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)
Indecisive AND passive aggressive, you never really know where you stand with a Libra. Can you trust the body lotion gift baskets and warmly-worded watercolor notecards? No. No, you cannot. Libras are aces at gently but deftly acquiring and disseminating damning personal information — so float the fake right back to her and save your secrets for a Scorpio.
SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)
Flattery will get you nowhere with a Scorpio MIL, as she can sniff out a try hard from 100 yards away. Your best strategy is to approach her as a fellow apex predator in the wild. Nod but don’t submit, acknowledge but don’t engage. Tread lightly, trust never. PSA: The mother-in-law who went viral for wearing this f–k me funeral look to her son’s wedding is 100% a Scorpio.
SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)
Your Sagittarius MIL will always speak out of turn, overindulge, and make you wish you had married an orphan. Hurling unsolicited advice and graphic recollections of her glory days while half-in-the-bag on the nearest soap box, the best course of action is to ask her to pick the playlist and mix the drinks. Sound and social lubrication are really the only arenas this lot can be trusted to control.
CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)
No one ever really gains the full approval of a Capricorn, even and especially their own children. When said children partner up, it provides the sea goat MIL with a convenient place to lay blame. Hard to impress, the best defense here is a thick skin, a steady job and a stiff upper lip. Capricorns low-key love people who don’t pander — so work hard, keep your kitchen clean, and don’t EVER let them see you cry — it’s how they gauge if they’re winning.
AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)
If you have an Aquarius mother-in-law, there is nothing that can be done. No manner of effort or soothsaying can spare you from her superiority complex, nor shield you from her icy air of judgment. You will never be good enough — and your efforts to convince her otherwise will only erode the brittle bridge of tolerance barely hanging between you.
PISCES (February 19 – March 20)
As with every Pisces, any discord, discomfort or fear can easily be assuaged with booze. Bring on the nog and the hot buttered rum. Don’t ask her to do or bring anything or show up at an appointed time, as she will intuit anything of the sort as either accusatory or a cause for anxiety.
This MIL will get irrationally upset and erratically drunk. Treat her like the sensitive, messy elven creature she is. Fawn often, whisper gently and gift her something fluffy — woodland creature, weighted blanket or otherwise.
Astrologer Reda Wigle researches and irreverently reports back on planetary configurations and their effect on each zodiac sign. Her horoscopes integrate history, poetry, pop culture and personal experience. She is also an accomplished writer who has profiled a variety of artists and performers, as well as extensively chronicled her experiences while traveling. Among the many intriguing topics she has tackled are cemeter
