I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. Raise a pint and a spoon for July, otherwise known as National Ice Cream Month.
Olympian runner Don Kardong mused, “Without ice cream, there would be darkness and chaos.”
We couldn’t agree more Don.
In celebration of the darkness-banishing, order-bearing, chin-staining glory of ice cream, we are matching flavors to each zodiac sign.
In the United States, ice cream is deeply beloved and has even been legitimized by lawmakers. When he wasn’t reducing inflation, funding guerrilla warfare, inciting the crack cocaine epidemic or engaging in a nuclear arms race, President Ronald Reagan was stanning hard for ice cream.
In 1984, the POTUS decreed July “National Ice Cream Month” and the third Sunday in July “National Ice Cream Day,” stating, “Ice cream is a nutritious and wholesome food, enjoyed by over ninety percent of the people in the United States. It enjoys a reputation as the perfect dessert and snack food.”
I don’t know if the nutritious, wholesome bit holds up, but I do know that the ten percent of Americans who don’t enjoy ice cream are joyless and not to be trusted.
Read on and dig in.
ARIES (MARCH 21 – APRIL 19)
Cookies and Cream
Aries fights to be first and will battle over the most noble or utterly inane of causes.
Likewise, cookies and cream are a flavor embroiled in controversy and claims of first rights.
South Dakota State University maintains they invented the flavor in 1979, and Edy’s professional ice cream tester John Harrison claims to have conceived the combo in 1982. Blue Bell boldly states on its website they were “first to create this innovative flavor.”
It sounds like a case of too many d***s on the dance floor and spoons in the bow to me, folks.
In terms of legitimately being first and the blending of fire signs and ice cream, Aries goes way back to the OG days of the desert when rich Romans would eat honey-covered ice sourced from the Vesuvius volcano.
TAURUS (APRIL 20 – MAY 20)
Butter Pecan
Taurus rules the second house of values and possessions, and bulls are notoriously weak for rich things, not least of all foods that give them gout and partners that can provide financial stability.
Suitably, the pecan is among the most densely caloric and highly fattening of all nuts, and butter is, well, butter.
Devoted to decadence, the chorus of Taurus is “more,” and butter pecan ice cream is just that.
GEMINI (MAY 21 – JUNE 20)
Spumoni
Geminis are terminally indecisive, more than a little nutty, and statistically speaking, pretty into threesomes, making this trifecta of pistachio, cherry, and chocolate, studded with fruits and nuts, utterly apt for this air sign,
CANCER (JUNE 21 – JULY 22)
Cookie Monster
Regularly blue, comfort-seeking, and chock full of crumbling elements, Cookie Monster ice cream and cardinal water sign Cancer share some consequential commonalities.
Cancer rules the fourth house of home and ancestry. and in the broken poetry of the incorrigible, eat your feelings Cookie Monster himself, “Home is where heart is. Heart where cookie is. Math clear: home is cookie.”
LEO (JULY 23 – AUGUST 22)
Mint Chocolate Chip
Winning sits atop the hierarchy of needs for a Leo, and mint chocolate chip was born of competition.
In 1973, British culinary student Marilyn Ricketts conceived of the flavor and entered it in a contest to provide an ice cream dessert for Princess Anne, herself a Leo, on the occasion of her marriage to Captain Mark Phillips.
Calling it the Mint Royale, Ricketts was crowned the victor and given a silver cup for her ingenuity and the world was given a frozen gift. Leo is the most regal sign in the zodiac and it tracks that this flavor was designed for a royal member of the lion pride.
VIRGO (AUGUST 23 – SEPTEMBER 22)
Strawberry
In a surprise to absolutely no one, Alfred L Cralle, who invented the ice cream scoop and thereby improved the daily lives of his fellow man with clean efficiency, was a Virgo.
Prudish, puritanical, or plain punishing when it comes to their food habits, Virgos are most akin to strawberry ice cream.
This flavor is healthy enough to be admitted into the temple of their bodies and close enough to the source to qualify as “earthy.”
Check out more of The Post’s food astrology content:
- Here’s which beer embodies your zodiac sign
- What kind of pizza are you based on your zodiac sign?
- What wine are you based on your zodiac sign?
LIBRA (SEPTEMBER 23 – OCTOBER 22)
Vanilla
Popular, people pleasing, foundational if not fun, and unlikely to start a war or trigger an allergic reaction, Libra is the vanilla ice cream cone of the zodiac, the hummus of the potluck party, the Subaru Outback of the parking lot.
Libra is the sign of partnership, and vanilla was the sidekick to chocolate for centuries until it went solo in France in the 1700’s.
Things really took off from there, and likewise, Libras hit their stride when they are able to strike out on their own and break free of their need to be all things to all people.
SCORPIO (OCTOBER 23 – NOVEMBER 21)
Chocolate
Scorpio is a bowl of chocolate ice cream, preferably triple dark chocolate with a fudge swirl and a sprinkling of the ashes of a risen phoenix on the warpath.
This flavor, like this sign. eqauates to darkness in a sweet sea of darkness (pets one-eyed cat and laughs wickedly.) Thought by the Aztecs to be the food of the gods, chocolate, like the average Scorpio, is revered for its depth of flavor, medicinal properties, and potential for transcendent decadence.
SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)
Pistachio
According to Biblical lore, Adam, the original Old Testament thrill seeker and probable Sagittarius planted pistachios in the Garden of Eden.
From there, the nut, which is, in fact, a seed, made its way throughout Asia Minor and into the fast lane of barter and trade on the Silk Road. Pistachios and Sagittarians alike are well-traveled and flourish in desert environments. Case in point: the lizard king himself, ladies and gentlemen, Jim Morrison.
Sagittarius is ruled by Jupiter, the planet of luck, and it tracks the sound of a pistachio shell cracking, like the sound of an archer laughing at their own jokes, is considered a good omen by people the world over.
CAPRICORN (DECEMBER 22 – JANUARY 19)
Rocky Road
Invented during the Great Depression and named as a nod to the bleak financial situation facing Americans at the time, this combination of chocolate, marshmallow and chopped nuts is a perfect edible allegory for Capricorn.
Most sea goats live through less than stellar childhoods easily described as “rocky” if not utterly oppressive, yet these people are made to endure, born to build, and set to see it through.
Capitalizing on a market crash? very, very on-brand. Further, the tarot card for Capricorn is the devil, and we all know the path to hell ain’t a smooth one.
AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)
Chocolate Chip Cooke Dough
Aquarius rules the eleventh house of friends and community and true to form the inspiration for the flavor came courtesy of an anonymous fan who left the suggestion tacked to a feedback board. Aquarius is the sign of the humanitarian and Ben & Jerry’s has proven itself to be a brand vested in social justice and environmental initiatives.
Future leaning and flavor loyal, the brand released a vegan version of chocolate chip cookie dough in 2019.
PISCES (FEBRUARY 19 – MARCH 20)
Cotton Candy
The heart meat of the average Pisces is made of cotton candy, water-logged stuffed animals, prescription pills, mix tapes, glow-in-the-dark stars, and polaroids of their first loves.
Since only one of these items has a tangible flavor, it’s cotton candy for the cone and the win.
Astrology 101: Your guide to the star
- The 12 zodiac signs
- What are the astrology houses
- Here’s what each planet represents
- Sun, moon, and rising signs: Get to know your Big 3
Astrologer Reda Wigle researches and irreverently reports back on planetary configurations and their effect on each zodiac sign. Her horoscopes integrate history, poetry, pop culture and personal experience. She is also an accomplished writer who has profiled a variety of artists and performers, as well as extensively chronicled her experiences while traveling. Among the many intriguing topics she has tackled are cemetery etiquette, her love for dive bars, Cuban Airbnbs, a “girls guide” to strip clubs and the “weirdest” foods available abroad.
