If all you want for Christmas is a well-behaved Florida … well, good luck with all that. Ol’ Nick may be sainted, but he can’t weave straw into gold — especially in the Keys.
That angelic insular fringe that doesn’t even consider itself part of America — where Hemingway was christened Papa and where the spirit of Jimmy Buffett will live forever — is going big for the holidays this season.
Here’s a look at what the Conch Republic has in store this Christmas.
Key Largo
When the Beach Boys name-drop you on one of their best-charted bangers of all time, the pressure is on: Such is the good problem Key Largo has thanks to 1988’s “Cocktail.” Never fear, the island will be Tom Cruise-sexy this yuletide.
How we roll: The first new resort to arise in the Upper Keys in more than two decades, 177-roomer Playa Largo Resort & Spa is best enjoyed on wheels and throwing ‘bows as it unveils its Winter Wonderland pop-up roller skating rink from Dec. 24 to 31. Rates at the iguana- and hammock-rife Autograph Collection hotel, situated on 14.5 acres of beachy bliss, start from $299 a night.
Sea to shining she: If you’re not kung-fu kicking jellyfish in the whatever it is they consider a face, you’re doing snorkeling wrong. At least that’s how the hardcore diving and ship-helming mermaids at Islander Girl Snorkel and Tours do it. Although they had to hire some dudes — “because of COVID,” one captain half-joked — their staff is nearly 100% Y chromosome-free.
Their ability to locate schools of fish and turtles for you to hang with while simultaneously warding off pesky jellies with their bare hands and feet is second to none. And if you get easily seasick, good news: Fish are attracted to human emesis — is just one of the many fun facts you’ll learn along the way! What’s better, they’ll take you to meet Santa for lunch at the Islamorada Sandbar on Dec. 9 and 16. Three-hour tours are $80 for adults, $60 for kiddos.
Hull lotta fun: Put on by the good civic folk at the local Rotary club, the Key Largo Boat Parade is The. Place. To. Be. come Dec. 9, with thousands in cash and prizes set to be awarded to participating Jack Tars. The boats line up at 6:30 p.m. and parade on down Blackwater Sound an hour later where only the most colorful, most original and best-themed, shall so be crowned.
Key West
Way, way, way down at the southern-most end of US 1 — about two-and-a-half-hour’s drive away from Largo Land — you’ll find Key West, which needs no introduction. Shocker: The lowest part of the contiguous United States gets the highest when it comes to Christmas cheer. And it’s the polydactyl cat capital of the country: The more claws for Claus, the merrier!
Trolley-la-la-la: You’ll find Key West’s mass transit considerably jollier than the MTA when the famed Old Town Trolleys taxi guests by the city’s best-decorated homes and ‘hoods on hour-long rides from Mallory Square Dec. 8 to 23. Hop on for $34.60, or $24.10 if you can’t yet vote.
Christmas spirits: It wouldn’t be the holidays (nor Florida) without chugging copious amounts of…Christmas cheer. So book the Christmas Day Brunch Sail aboard the Schooner America 2.0 and toast to denial — er, the season! The 2.5-hour voyage, kicking off at 10 a.m., includes mimosas, bloody Marys, wine, beer and, yes, for the li’l ones, soda and water. Brunch includes spiraled ham, bagels and pastries, meats and cheeses, smoked salmon, crudités and other Christmas-themed snackage. All in, it’s $136 for adults, $63 for kids.
That candle’s lit: All mangered out? It happens. Take a much-needed breather at the Annual Lighting of the City Menorah Ceremony at Bayview Park, from 5:30 p.m. to 7:30 p.m. on Dec. 10.
FOMO? SOMO! Just an elf’s throw from Duval Street and Old Key West, Southernmost Beach Resort is hosting a snowman sandman-building contest and resort-wide candy cane hunt. Its “12 Days of SOMO” (as in SOuthernMOst) shenanigans include festive poolside games and holiday-inspired cocktails like Jingle or Mingle Sangria and Naughty Margarita. Romper rooms from $700.
