It’s a campy feature of pretty much every rom-com: the two BFFs with major sexual tension gaze into each other’s eyes: “If we’re not with anyone when we’re ready to have a baby, let’s do it together!”
“Platonic co-parenting” is the latest real-life spin on non-traditional child-rearing, where close friends — who are not romantic partners — decide to raise kids together.
Just last week, Anderson Cooper announced the birth of his new son Sebastian, who he plans to bring up with his former partner Benjamin Maisani, even though the pair split in 2018.
Meanwhile, CNN’s Van Jones just revealed that he and his good friend Noemi welcomed a baby girl, after realizing during the COVID-19 pandemic that they both wanted more children. The 53-year-old, who already has two children with his ex-wife, told People magazine that he and Noemi were embarking on “conscious co-parenting.”
But while celebrities are putting the “modern” in modern families, experts warn that arrangements like these can be rife with drama.
“Co-parenting can get very complicated, even among very good friends,” Barbara Greenberg, a clinical psychologist in New York City and Connecticut, told The Post.
She said that while the idea of bearing a child with your bestie might sound amazing at first, the realities are riddled with potential conflict. “You have to do some major advance planning and talk through a wide range of scenarios, including what the labels will be for each parent, how holidays will be celebrated, where the child will live and what happens if someone gets a romantic partner.”
Lara Traum, a family law attorney and mediator in New York City, said she recommends hashing this all out in legal documents well before the baby is born. She said that both parties should hire their own lawyer to nail down the details of how you’ll raise the child, much like in divorce proceedings.
“Hopefully, as friends you’re like-minded and share values to embark on this together but you need to iron everything out,” she said, referencing logistics such as where the child will sleep on given days of the week. “This document is the place to sketch out how you will make decisions about your child’s life.”
There are also custody issues to consider.
If both friends are the biological parents — meaning that both parents supplied the baby’s genetic material — you might want to make your co-parenting commitment official before the baby is born by filing a petition in court called an order of parentage that confirms you’re this child’s parents, Traum said.
She added, “if you’re both biological parents, you have parental rights as a matter of law, but you’ll want to make sure you are both named on the birth certificate.”
And if only one friend is the biological parent, Traum said things can get even thornier.
“Just like in a same-sex marriage where an outside sperm donor waives rights and the non-biological parent adopts the resulting child as their own, in a platonic co-parenting arrangement, once the child is born, a non-biological parent needs to file a second-parent adoption,” Traum said. “This paperwork is necessary to show that the second parent is formally adopting the child and will be the child’s second legal guardian.”
Despite the potential snags, Ivan Fatovic, CEO of Modamily, a dating and co-parenting app that connects people who are ready to start a family, believes platonic co-parenting will become even more of a trend in the coming years.
“Most people who choose this option are feeling the ticking of their biological clocks,” Fatovic said. “It’s kind of ideal: you have someone to help raise the child, you have someone contributing financially and you can still date and meet someone to grow old with while the child is getting taken care of by the other parent. It’s kind of like raising a child in an amicable divorce — without the divorce.”
But Traum isn’t convinced it’s the way of the future.
“Sometimes friends who are in it for the long haul — they’re friends from childhood, they’re besties for life, ride or die — can’t imagine that they might have conflicting interests or that the friendship could naturally cycle away,” Traum said of the way even the closest relationships can eventually fizzle out.
“That’s worth thinking about.”
