THE EAGLES.
God. The Eagles.
By now, this is enough to warrant an instant infusion of Maalox, right? The Eagles. The damned Eagles. The $#$%*&%$ Eagles. The Eagles make you so sick, you rush to switch the radio off when “Peaceful Easy Feeling” comes on because those Eagles remind you of those Eagles. The Eagles make you so sick you’d be willing to vote the sturdy Central Park pigeon as the new symbol of American freedom.
The Eagles make you so sick, the only exception you’re willing to make is for Ian Eagle, who of course makes every game better simply by walking in the door.
But that’s it.
Yes, from Chuck Bednarik to Herm Edwards to Doug Pederson, the Eagles have been among the franchises that have torched and tortured New York the most. It is a small, distinct list of teams across the sporting landscape, but they are the No. 1 carriers of angst and agita. Who else belongs on the list? Here are a few. They are not ranked in any order because … well, because who cares who actually ruins our days most often? The fact is these guys are Out There, ready to pounce. We loathe them. We detest them.
(We’re petrified of them. Just don’t tell anybody.)
Philadelphia Eagles
I mean, these guys got under your skin by actually losing last year, that season finale against Washington, when you actually wondered if Arnold Rothstein’s great-great-great grandson might be coaching the team. That is what you call an expert in the field.
Boston Red Sox
And, man, whoever saw that one coming?
From 1920-2003, this was so much the other way around that entire two-hour documentaries were written about the teams’ hammer-and-nail relationship. The Yankees won 26 World Series and the Red Sox none in that 83-year stretch. Death, taxes and the Yankees (and even the Mets) beating the Sox when it mattered — those were life’s three givens.
And now … yeah. Not so much. This year’s wild-card calamity at Fenway Park was just the latest indignity the Yankees have endured since losing the 2004 ALCS, including the 2018 ALDS, and the count of four titles to one in those 17 seasons (and, for good measure, the Sox went 4-0 this past season against the Mets, upping their record against them to 21-14 against them since interleague play started).
Atlanta Braves
Well, at least for the National League portion of the town. The Yankees, of course, have won a couple of World Series — 1996 and 1998 — at the Braves’ expense. But since 1994, the Braves and the Mets have shared a division.
The Mets have finished in first place twice in that time. The Braves have finished first 16 times.
The Braves beat the Mets in the 1999 NLCS.
They are, roughly, 933-4 against the Mets in Games That Matter in that time.
And they have won two World Series titles in that time.
There are other teams that occasionally occupy the Mets’ anxiety closet — Cardinals, Phillies, Yankees — but the Braves are the most sadistic.
Indiana Pacers
Sure, the Bulls might’ve brought the most intensity to MSG. But if we’re being honest, of all the times the Bulls beat the Knicks, the only true upset was 1989. And even then, Chicago had Michael Jordan.
But even though the Knicks have had their playoff moments against the Pacers, Indiana has delivered three of the worst buzzkill playoff losses ever: 1995 (when Jordan and the Bulls had already been dismissed by the Magic), 2000 (when the Knicks were defending champs in the East and seemed to have an unshakable playoff mojo) and 2013, when the Knicks were clearly the better team and craved a shot at the Heat and never got one.
Tampa Bay Lightning
The rare team that has thrown haymakers at multiple New York teams. The past two years they’ve ended the Islanders’ dreams one stop shy of the Stanley Cup finals — and the more the Isles struggle this year, the harder it is to remember that 1-0 loss in Game 7 last year that really should’ve been 0-0 in regulation because the Lightning scored their goal with too many men on the ice.
And don’t forget 2014, when the Lightning skated into a deafening Madison Square Garden and knocked off the Rangers, 2-0, in Game 7 of the Eastern Conference finals. The Lightning also ended the Devils’ most recent entry into the playoffs, in 2018.
Vac’s Whacks
Michael Strahan was always a wonder to watch as a football player, and he always had a remarkable knack for saying exactly the wrong thing. Which is what saying, “I would have expected it a little bit sooner” this week about his number retirement, was. Guess what, 92? Frank Gifford had to wait 36 years to have his number 16 retired. Pipe down.
Watching Iona beat Alabama and Rick Pitino positively school Nate Oats on Thanksgiving night, it was impossible not to think about what Bum Phillips once said about another ’Bama coach of some renown: “Bear Bryant can take his’n and beat your’n, and then he can turn around and take your’n and beat his’n.”
After seeing Brian Snitker push every right button for the Braves for a month, I had to go back and re-read Chris Ballard’s masterful “One Shot at Forever,” in which Snitker plays a small role on an unforgettable Illinois high school baseball team in the early 1970s. If you haven’t read this yet, you’ll have to just trust me and get your hands on it at once.
Lane Kiffin might be a handful — he might be seven handfuls — but he can coach my football team any time he wants.
Whack Back at Vac
Keith Kannenberg: I agree with your decision on Alex Rodriguez. The Hall of Fame isn’t just about whether someone had great stats. It’s about “honoring” the player, and someone who cheated like this isn’t worthy of that honor. I wish you’d stuck with your initial thoughts on Bonds and Clemens. Both of them knew what they were doing was wrong — illegal even — regardless of whether it was explicitly called out in the rules.
Vac: I do often yearn for the old days when the thing you wrung your hands about as a Hall of Fame voter was whether Pete Rose should be on the ballot or not.
Alan Hirschberg: As long as Julius Randle is the Knicks’ “best player” they will never be good enough to compete for a championship, and they will never be bad enough to draft LeBron James or Tim Duncan first overall. They will reside in play-in purgatory forever.
Vac: I think if you gave him a shot of truth serum, even Julius would agree about that.
@aghease: I respect your prerogative, but do you also think that the Beatles and Stones et al should be banned from the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame due to their prodigious use of PEDs? Without PEDs, do the Beatles go from Chuck Berry covers to Sgt. Pepper’s? Do the Stones do “Exile?”
@MikeVacc: I think it’s likely that without PEDs the most recent inductee into any music hall of fame might have been Johann Sebastian Bach.
William Thurlow: I laughed when you compared Avery Bradley to World B. Free. You are dating yourself, Mike!
Vac: Some kids wanted to be Reggie Jackson or Joe Namath. All 11-year-old me wanted was to be able to fill it up like All-World.
