Sticks and stones may break our bones, but this TV junk is gonna kill us.
On consecutive Sundays here, Dolphins-Jets then Dolphins-Giants, CBS had the opportunity to display right-there, can’t-miss, must-see shots.
Sunday, in what was billed as Eli Manning’s likely last home game, CBS cut to commercials after the first change of possession, a missed Dolphins’ field goal. CBS did not stick around to provide the scene and sounds as Manning hit the field.
Upon returning from those commercials, play-by-play man Spero Dedes said Manning was “showered” with cheers “during that commercial break.”
Oh. So better late than never, CBS would next provide those sounds and that scene on videotape.
Nope. CBS remained tethered to its unconditional playbook, thus it was time to post the Giants starting offense and the Dolphins starting defense. Didn’t matter if Manning entered the field on a fire truck or in flames, Dedes, on TV, was left to only tell us about it.
The telecast soon became a further abomination with CBS’ NYC audience told for second consecutive Sunday that starting Miami running back Mark Walton is no longer on the team.
The reason — Walton, in the past six months, had been arrested four times — went politely unspoken, hidden from those who might’ve thought Walton was in Timbuktu having taken a monastic vow of seclusion.
Then there was analyst Adam Archuleta, who spoke three hours of long-form artificial intelligence. For example, of the Giants he said, “Losing nine straight takes a huge toll on your franchise and the rest of your football team to overcome.” Who knew?
When Manning threw an interception, Dedes reported a neat stat: Manning has now thrown an INT vs. every team in the league.
CBS then made common stupid out of common sense with this graphic: “Eli Manning has thrown at least one interception against every NFL team except the Giants.”
Imagine the exhaustive research expended on that goodie.
Two weeks ago, after the outcome of Dolphins-Jets was determined by the preposterous use of the NFL’s latest preposterous replay rule — the new pass interference rule — enraged Miami coach Brian Flores charged the on-field officials to protest. When Williams arrived, CBS cut to a shot of two kids in the stands likely watching what we, with a minimal application of common sense, should have been watching.
That telecast was loaded with analyst Jay Feely’s long-form silly talk, starting with the first play when he revealed his sneak peak at Miami’s defensive game plan: it “wants to create negative plays.”
But this is the bag we’re in. Over on the Home Shoplifting Network, they were selling shiny new U.S. quarters, certificates of authenticity included, for just two bucks apiece, plus shipping and handling. Offer limited to the first 15 million ordered.
Baylor keeps bombing 3s despite big lead
That “special place in hell” will be too crowded to remain special.
Obviously with the school’s annual blessings, Baylor women’s basketball coach Kim Mulkey has made it her unapologetic practice to humiliate opponents by further stomping them after they’ve been thoroughly stomped.
So add another ill-attained, uncompetitive achievement to the college record book. Wednesday, Baylor defeated Arkansas State 111-43, with Juicy Landrum setting the NCAA record for made 3-pointers — 14 — the last with 1:58 left. Landrum played 33 minutes and took 23 3s.
Afterward, a proud, beaming Mulkey claimed credit for encouraging her to keep shooting 3s. What a champ!
Days earlier, the Abilene Christian women defeated Schreiner, both Texas colleges, 110-37. The “winners” stole the ball 21 times and took 30 3s.
Both of these needlessly slaughtered teams— the latest in a relentless sports destruction by adult design — could have applied the successful Coach Feldman Plan, named for the Fallsview, N.Y., high school girls coach. In 1982 Mel Feldman had his kids score into their opponents basket to reverse the opposing coach’s humiliation process. Bingo!
There’s an aging gag: Television is called a medium because when well done, it’s rare. Yet, there’s something consistently appetizing about MSG’s Islanders telecasts under producer Jim Gallagher and director Joel Mandelbaum.
Saturday, Buffalo tied the game with a minute left after the Isles’ Mathew Barzal was hit with a roughing penalty.
Analyst Butch Goring didn’t pander or blame the refs. He said Barzal had indefensibly blundered at the worst time. A camera then shot Barzal, head down, on the bench. Goring added that only an Isles overtime goal or shootout win could rescue Barzal.
And after Anthony Beauvillier scored three minutes into OT, we were treated to tape of Barzal rushing cross-ice to be among the first to hug Beauvilier. That’s good TV.
NBC’s Cris Collinsworth must now think of himself as Father Football. Sunday night, Steelers wide receiver James Washington, fabulous at Oklahoma State as a 5-foot-10 receiver, had fallen to the depths of Pittsburgh’s depth chart because he was out of shape. He returned this season, having dropped nearly 20 pounds.
So when he caught a long pass, Collinsworth declared, “I’m really so proud of James Washington!” Good grief.
Smoothie Bowl so exciting
Let’s work this out together: First, who do you like in the Tropical Smoothie Frisco Bowl (satire-proof, I know): Utah State or Kent State on ESPN?
Kent State, 6-6, became “bowl eligible” with a 26-23 out-of-conference home win vs. Georgia’s Kennesaw State, the latter a member of the Big South Conference. The Big South this season was won by Monmouth — the one in Central Jersey, ya’ll.
Not too long ago there were two teams that swore fealty to their sacrosanct traditions. Neither Penn State football nor the New York Yankees would allow anyone or anything to mess with their uniforms. As of this week, the Yanks have followed Penn State in betraying that vow to sell jersey space to Nike.
Things we just don’t get: In the weeks since David Fizdale was fired by the Knicks, tributes have been issued from current NBA coaches attesting to Fizdale as a superb coach.
If, as Janoris Jenkins claims, calling people “retards” is to be excused as part of his “culture” — fresh news to me, as it was part of my “culture” — it might be time to change that culture.
Throughout Oregon-Michigan on Saturday, CBS provided a strange sight, especially for a national basketball telecast: Both teams, though under Nike’s dangling dough demands, wore their school’s colors.
Poor CBS. Throughout the Army-Navy telecast, it couldn’t head to commercials with its usual slow-motion replays of players showboating because none of the players did. How sad, CBS was stuck showing football action.