You don’t have to be Al Roker to know it’s oppressively cold out there.
As I walk down the street, I see you all have been doing a bang-up job of bundling up. You’re properly layering under your bulky parkas and protecting your delicate heads with those cute wool hats adorned with pompoms.
You’ve smartly obscured half your faces with chunky, cozy scarves that look like they’re hot off Grandma’s blazing knitting needles. (Shout-out to those intrepid souls going for the full O.J. Simpson ski mask.)
And then I look at your feet to admire your insulated duck boots and I’m almost breathless. You’re not wearing boots at all. In fact, those are sneakers on your feet. Furthermore, you’re not even wearing any socks!
I’ve seen loads of you bare-ankled fools wandering the streets this past week and have had to suck down the temptation to give you a Sophia Petrillo slap across the face.
Let me remind you sockless morons: This is an Arctic blast, not crabcake and martini night at the country club. We’re not admiring your slim patrician ankles. We’re saying a rosary for them.
Even Eliot Spitzer kept his socks on while having sex with hookers in swanky hotels where the heating bill was on the house. And yet you can’t muster the sense to wear them in what feels like the biggest freeze we’ve ever had in New York City.
Yes, we can all agree that socks are the least sexy item of clothing, but they’re the engine of the winter wardrobe. They’re the Eli Manning of clothing — so important that they have their own official drawer in the dresser. The Clintons even named their cat Socks because they are cuddly and comfortable. So-called “sock mogul” Rob Kardashian could have followed his vapid sisters into sexier ventures like diet pills, lingerie and lip kits, but he instead chose to dominate the humble foot category with his Arthur George brand, favoring substance over empty flash.
As we await this “bomb cyclone” storm, don’t eschew a fluffy, functional pair in the foolish name of fashion. Show your feet — and Rob Kardashian — some respect.
Put on some damn socks.