A federal judge in Florida shot down a Justice Department request to postpone a trial due to an agent’s pre-paid trip to see the eclipse.
Judge Steven Merryday of the US District Court for the Middle District of Florida denied the request by a Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives agent in a three-page ruling Friday that borrowed heavily from “Star Trek” and singer Carly Simon.
“In a popular 1970s song, the splendid Carly Simon introduced the attendance of a former suitor (reportedly the actor Warren Beatty) at a solar eclipse as probative evidence of his putatively insufferable vanity,” Merryday wrote, before adding a few lines of Simon’s 1972 seminal hit, “You’re So Vain,” including mentions of the total eclipse and the noteworthy “you’re so vain” line.
A total solar eclipse, Merryday wrote, is no longer a “mysterious, supernatural, foreboding or ominous” astrological event, adding in a footnote that there have been six opportunities in the last decade to see one, according to NASA data.
“On this occasion, an Assistant United States Attorney boldly moves (where no AUSA has moved before) to postpone a trial because an agent of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives has pre-paid the cost of visiting the zone of ‘totality’ of a solar eclipse that will occur on August 21 (about the eclipse, the motion oddly used the phrase ‘scheduled to occur,’ as if someone arbitrarily set the eclipse, as an impresario sets a performer, to appear at a chosen time and place, subject always to some unstated exigency),” Merryday wrote.
“Cruel fate has dictated that the August 21 eclipse will occur during the trial of an action in which the agency is a principal participant on behalf of the United States,” the order continued.
The ruling, which was posted on the blog of a Miami-based attorney, also noted that each judge in the Middle District of Florida oversees about 400 court actions per month.
“… Each action typically involves several lawyers, at least two parties, and an array of witnesses,” the ruling continued. “A trial prompts the clerk to summon scores of potential jurors. The present motion proposes to subordinate the time and resources of the court, of the opposing counsel, of the witnesses, and of the jurors to one person’s aspiration to view a ‘total’ solar eclipse for no more than two minutes and forty-two seconds. To state the issue distinctly is to resolve the issue decisively.”
Assistant US Attorney Kaitlin O’Donnell filed the motion seeking a delay in the trial involving a felon accused of illegally possessing firearms, the Washington Post reports. The ATF agent, identified as Chad Horst, had already paid for out-of-state travel and is also a potential material trial witness, the newspaper reports.
But Merryday — who also denied an attorney’s request in 2012 to postpone a trial so he could attend an Ernest Hemingway look-alike contest — wasn’t having it.
“When an indispensable participant, knowing that a trial is imminent, pre-pays for some personal indulgence, that participant, in effect, lays in a bet,” he wrote. “This time, unlike Carly Simon’s former suitor, whose ‘horse, naturally won,’ this bettor’s horse has — naturally — lost. The motion is DENIED.”