Here’s the secret to the perfect wedding

It’s June, when the church bells come alive and somebody at the reception is going to end up doing something stupid. Let’s see what the experts have to say about throwing the perfect wedding — from that oh, so beautiful dress to an everlasting honeymoon.

Martha Stewart Weddings

Martha Stewart Weddings has the latest on “naked” wedding cakes — an increasingly popular concession to the phobia of icing, which has presumably left tons of sugar-sculpted roses forlorn and crusting up on little dessert plates worldwide. Call us crazy, but these naked cakes don’t look quite as tempting as their traditional, scary-sweet-looking counterparts. That’s despite some desperately cute designs, one decorated with pansy petals and another with plastic sheep frolicking in a green “meadow” of pistachios and fennel blossoms. Elsewhere in the hard-to-swallow department, heiress Lydia Hearst models a series of white wedding gowns with floral arrangements nested in her hair that are so huge that they come off looking like clown wigs. Still, hats off to Martha for a bridal magazine that isn’t boring.

Bridal Guide

Bridal Guide takes a brief break from its gown obsession to talk grooms’ tuxes with designer Joseph Abboud. Consider buying a custom-made tux rather than renting, he says, as you can re-use it after the wedding. “A black suit jacket with a white shirt, no tie and jeans is a great look for a party,” according to Abboud. For some amusing (crazy?) advice elsewhere, check out the “Planning 101” calendar. Of course, it counsels that you “look through magazines for attire ideas” 12 months ahead of the big day. A month later, you should “meet with several caterers; arrange for tastings” before booking one. Seven months in, “review and finalize your wedding details with a consultant.” A lot of tips here, but they’ve left out one big one for the groom, namely, “run for the hills while you still can.”

Brides

Brides has a feature on “53 ways to save” that perfectly encapsulates what bridal magazines are all about — that is, dangling as many insane ideas for spending money as possible, forcing you to feel like you’re skimping and scrimping every time you cross one of them out. “To cut staffing costs, consider a buffet,” and “eliminate labor-intensive specialty foods like sushi rolls, which require more staff to prepare,” two consultants helpfully advise. And “instead of renting a photo booth for thousands of dollars, create a Polaroid station with a few cameras,” says wedding consultant Duana Chenier, as if this budget-friendly alternative had occurred to not a single budget-strapped couple.

The Knot

For those who truly want to bathe in bridal-gown ideas, the 416 pages of The Knot offer the most spacious tub by far. We enjoyed the “Runway Report,” whose freakish selections included a translucent, above-the-knee dress by Mira Zwillinger, which barely conceals the model’s crotch with a few deftly placed, embossed silk flowers. A bright pink ombré ball gown by Christian Siriano is “perfect for the edgy bride,” according to the mag. Elsewhere in a nutty “Ask Carley” Q&A column, a reader asks: “We’re serving two cakes since I love vanilla and my fiancé is obsessed with chocolate. Who gets to design the groom’s cake?” The answer, of course, is that “choosing the designs and flavors for both cakes should be a joint effort.”

New Yorker

The New Yorker has a piece on “the business and politics of the gun industry,” focusing on concealed-carry handgun laws. It’s predictably alarmist in its hand-wringing over the clout of the National Rifle Association. Of course, it fails to answer — or even ask — a few interesting questions: 1) exactly who is supposed to decide who owns the guns and who doesn’t, 2) how are they making their decisions, and 3) where exactly does their authority begin and end? Elsewhere, the mag lately has had some strong coverage of the crisis in Syria. This week, Ben Taub writes about the underground race to expand medical expertise in war zones as Bashar Assad’s military forces brutally attack hospitals, doctors and nurses.

Time

Time’s post-Orlando cover story notes that the FBI did a 10-month “preliminary investigation” of Omar Mateen before closing the case for a lack of evidence. Tim Murphy, the FBI’s retired No. 2, says the current rules discourage long-term monitoring of potential terrorists. “Someone should have been monitoring his social media 24/7,” Murphy says, adding that the FBI should have been alerted when he bought weapons. Sounds more sensible to us than, for example, banning weapons sales to terrorist suspects. Elsewhere, columnist Joe Klein notes that Hillary Clinton has finally backed off broad-brush declaration that, “Muslims are peaceful and tolerant people and have nothing whatsoever to do with terrorism,” admitting there are dangerous sects funded by the Saudis, Qataris and Kuwaitis. Awkward truth: The Clinton Foundation has also taken donations from all three of those countries.