When Mick* was 18, he was like many other college students, cramming for exams and scrounging up enough cash to get into weekend parties.
But there was one big difference between Mick and his freshman friends: He was engaged.
“I remember being the only engaged kid at college orientation and everyone being shocked,” Mick says.
But today, the 25-year-old isn’t married. Or divorced.
He’s single.
Mick canceled the wedding years ago — something that happens in about 13 percent of engagements, according to stats from a research company called The Wedding Report.
For Mick, getting down on one knee wasn’t the scariest moment of his life — it was the prospect of going through with a wedding he didn’t want.
So he called it all off: His wedding, his relationship, his certain future.
Breaking an engagement is a monumentally hard decision, and there aren’t any tried-and-true rules to help guide you through the process.
There are, however, the stories of real men and women who pulled the plug. Consider their advice if your feet are feeling cold.
Related: The Better Man Project — 2,000+ brilliant tips for living a richer, more fulfilling life
The early warning signs
Maybe you popped the question at a young age, like Mick.
He proposed to his girlfriend the summer after his senior year of high school.
“Having grown up in communities with traditional ideals, the norm was, first you date, then you fall in love, then you got married, then you have kids,” Mick says. “I thought, ‘Well, we’ve done the first two steps—might as well get working on the next ones.’ ”
But that’s a bad way to approach a marriage, says Jonathan Alpert, L.M.H.C., a New York-based counselor.
Stop thinking about the lost money, the Save-the-Dates that already went out, the ring, the apartment, and the dog.
“A lot of times, there’s such a rush for marriage,” Alpert says, “and people get married for the wrong reasons.”
Research from the Bureau of Labor Statistics shows the younger you are when you decide to wed, the more likely you are to call it quits.
Most experts pin this to younger couples lacking the maturity, experience, and life skills needed to make a union last—or youngsters tying the knot for the wrong reasons.
For Mick and his fiancée, who went to a different school in a different time zone, the writing was on the wall. Midway through freshman year, the pair broke off their engagement.
Related: The right age to get married
“We decided that we weren’t together, and we shouldn’t hold each other back from new experiences and meeting other people,” he says. “Part of me figured after college we’d just hop right back into everything.”
But they didn’t. While they kept in touch throughout school, Mick hasn’t seen his ex in 3 years.
Questioning your fundamentals
There’s a lot to consider before deciding to get married, and nervousness is normal.
You should have discussed fundamental issues like children or religion, says Justin Lavner, Ph.D., an assistant psychology professor at the University of Georgia.
Also important, though, is HOW you address these and other issues. Think about what happens when you discuss difficult issues with your partner: Are you able to work through them, or do your conversations result in big fights without resolution?
If you’re starting to question whether someone is right for you—or if you can’t work through your struggles without blowing a lid—you should talk to a therapist, Lavner says.
When to trust your gut
Even if you have agree on the fundamentals—from how many kids you want, to how you’ll handle finances—something might still not be right.
Pay particular attention to how you feel when you tackle preparations for the wedding.
It was this step that sunk 27-year-old Beth*, who called off her engagement when she was 23.
It hit Beth when she and her fiancé sat down to write the final check to pay for their reception hall.
“We both looked at each other, realizing not only did we not want to spend $9,000 on this deposit—we had also been quite out of sync for a while,” Beth says.
Related: 20 subtle clues she’s about to break up with you
Beth and her fiancé took a weekend away from each other.
“I was confused because we had had all the big conversations,” she says. “We had our money worked out, we knew how many children we wanted, and we had half a down payment saved for a house. We were following everything cookie-cutter perfect.”
But something was missing.
“Part of me craved a little bit of mess,” she says. “Maybe I’d go off traveling somewhere. Maybe I would move across the country or volunteer in Africa. None of that seemed possible while I was with him.”
How to call off an engagement
When Beth and her fiancé met back on Monday, they both knew what was coming.
“We sat on the bed and cried,” she says. “I just told him that I couldn’t marry him when I had so many questions. He didn’t even fight for it — which, in a way, made it that much more of the right decision in my mind.”
Having such a big conversation can seem hugely scary or impossible. But when you deliver the blow, focus on being clear, honest, and respectful, Lavner says.
A lot of times, there’s such a rush for marriage and people get married for the wrong reasons.
- Jonathan Alpert, New York-based counselor
Practice your speech and prep a calm response for every possible question: “Why now?” “What are we going to do?” “What are your reasons?”
Sometimes, the reasons are obvious.
After the vendors were booked and the invitations were sent, 30-year-old Erik* caught his fiancée hooking up with an ex. They didn’t break up right off the bat—instead, he began his own affair.
Related: 6 signs she’s thinking of cheating
The wedding was in two months. Hoping to save their relationship, they postponed the big day, blaming a hiccup with the venue.
But two weeks later, the couple threw in the towel.
How exactly do you tell hundreds of guests you’re calling it off?
Designate a messenger like your mom or best friend to call each guest, suggests wedding planner Crystal Adair-Benning, owner of Distinct Occasions.
“It’s always best to speak with guests directly,” says Adair-Benning.
Your spokesperson should be prepared for questions, but shouldn’t feel the need to answer any of the “whys,” she says.
The cost of canceling a wedding
Breaking news: Weddings cost a lot of money. In 2014, couples spent an average of $31,213 on their nuptials, according to research from The Knot.
When you say “I don’t” instead of “I do,” the tab can be expensive. So what can be salvaged? And who pays for what’s outstanding?
Fail to address the costs quickly and things get dicey, says Allison Moir-Smith, a counselor for brides and grooms who are anxious about marriage. She has seen couples wind up in court over payments and fees.
Your best line: “I know this is painful, but in the coming weeks, I want to find a way to talk with you or someone in your family about how we can settle the financial side of this.”
Related: 6 tricky money talks every man must have
If you were the one to cut bait, you should be prepared to take most of the hit, says Kristen Maxwell Cooper, the deputy editor at The Knot.
Though Beth was able to recover some expenses, “I lost $100 to the hair and makeup artists, $3,000 for the venue’s first deposit, and $1,125 for the dress deposit,” she says.
I just told him that I couldn’t marry him when I had so many questions. He didn’t even fight for it — which, in a way, made it that much more of the right decision in my mind.
“I wish I could say that he split them with me,” Beth says, “but he was very, ‘You called it off, you pay the price.’ ”
That’s where negotiating with your vendors can be important, says Maxwell Cooper. Make sure you know the policies of each vendor, and their deadlines for cancelation.
The venue is the hardest deposit to get back, Maxwell Cooper says, since it’s the priciest and the one you have to book the furthest in advance. You’ll have better luck with the photographer, florist, and baker, she says.
Most couples who call it off decide to cancel their honeymoons. But CanceledWeddings.com allows you to re-sell unused honeymoon trips and event spaces.
What to do with the engagement ring
Then there’s the ring. Do you ask for it back? Let her keep it? Smash it to pieces?
“If the groom calls off the wedding, the bride technically doesn’t have to give it back,” Maxwell Cooper says.
But if the bride cuts bait, she should relinquish the ring, she says.
“If the ring is a family heirloom, it should always go back to the family it came from, regardless of why the wedding was called off,” says Maxwell Cooper.
Related: Why you shouldn’t blow your savings on an engagement ring
Mick says he never asked for the ring back. “It wouldn’t have fit on any of my fingers,” he jokes.
Erik agrees. “I’d given it to her — it was hers,” he says. “It represented the good times with my best friend at the time, and I wanted her to keep that.”
How to move on
After Erik and his fiancée broke up, he vowed to stay busy—for his sanity. “I worked a lot on personal projects I’d been putting off for years,” he says.
He moved in with friends. He opened up to coworkers. In the process, he dropped his worries about “looking weak” and discovered how willing people were to listen when he needed to vent.
Beth also credits a strong support system for helping her move on, but that doesn’t mean she wasn’t sad.
“I was grieving, for sure,” she says. “When a decade-long friendship that you thought was going to be forever ends, naturally you grieve.”
But there’s an upside to sadness, Moir-Smith says. “It can make you wiser in relationships going forward.”
Just take your time. “It’s important to work through why your old relationship ended before you enter into a new one,” says Lavner, the psychology prof. If you felt you weren’t ready to say “I do”, focus on your career or personal hobbies.
Or change your aim. “We do know that patterns we have had in old relationships affect new relationships,” says Lavner.
Think about the things you loved about your relationship, and all the things that didn’t work at the end. Make that the benchmark for your next relationship.
Related: 5 things her ex can teach you
The most important thing to remember
Ultimately, if you’re having any doubts about walking down the aisle, always keep one person in mind: You.
“Stop thinking about the lost money, the Save-the-Dates that already went out, the ring, the apartment, and the dog,” Beth says. “Stop thinking about anything or anybody but yourself. It’s your life.”
When asked, not one of the people in this story regretted walking away instead of walking down the aisle.
“If you’re thinking about calling it off, do it,” says Mick. “It will set you free and might be the healthiest option for you and your partner.”
“And financially speaking,” he adds, “a divorce will f–k up your bank account way harder than losing a deposit on a venue.”
*Names have been changed