True, there are no bones in a boner. But penis breakage is a real thing. There are no bones in a stalk of celery or (if you prefer) a giant redwood either. What doctors call “penile fracture” happens when the tunica albuginea membrane tears. That is the bit surrounding the corpora cavernosa, the part in the center of the penis that becomes engorged with blood during an erection.
A tearing of the tunica albuginea means the blood in the area spills out into other tissue. You’ll know it’s happening because there is a cracking or popping sound, accompanied by severe pain, purple bruising and (if you’re smart) a trip to the ER. Tim-ber! Your woody just became kindling. Look up penile fracture on Wikipedia if you want to see a picture of what this looks like — but you really, really don’t.
This unpleasant happenstance once inspired an episode of “Grey’s Anatomy,” but if you’ve ever seen the show, you’re probably not in possession of a penis in the first place. In many cases, penile fracture can require surgery — going in and sewing up the tears in the tunica albuginea — though if left untreated, the tears may heal themselves, albeit leaving scar tissue that could result in erectile dysfunction or a permanent curvature that may change your pocket rocket to more of a man-banana.
Sexperts say that certain bedroom maneuvers involve a much-increased risk of busting your junk. Among them, the leading culprits involve any sex act in which the penis strikes an unyielding surface, such as the perineum. Among cases in a study compiled between 2000 and 2013, heterosexual sex resulted in most of the injuries, followed by “penile manipulation,” with gay sex a distant third place.
The weenie-crackingest position, by far, is woman on top, with its potential for a lot of weight to be concentrated on a small area. That position led to 50 percent of penile fractures. In second place was doggy style (28 percent) and in third was man on top (21 percent). But don’t worry: According to the doctors’ study, “Immediate surgical treatment warrants long-term very low morbidity,” meaning you probably won’t die. Except of embarrassment.
Even better news: Penile fracture is so rare that, over a 13-year period studying three emergency rooms covering a metropolitan area that is home to 3 million people in Brazil, only 42 men were confirmed as suffering from the condition in the first place. Moreover, good, healthy nooky may be less worrisome than hiding the salami somewhere other than where nature intended: In Iran, most cases of penile fracture involve “manual bending of the erected penis to achieve detumescence due to cultural circumstances.” In other words, most boner breakages in Iran are the result of trying to conceal your man-parts via the not-wise tactic called “Taghaandan,” which means “to click or snap into place.” Ow.
Now watch how technology is improving the penis.