There’s a famous scene in The Simpsons when Homer, coaching son Bart’s pee wee football team, cuts a bunch of players from the squad.
“Wendell is cut, Rudy is cut, Janie you’re gone,” he says. And so on.
Well, pretend that instead of listing different names, Homer is listing different reasons, telling the same player over and over exactly why he’s been cut.
That’s essentially what happened after a Cleveland teenager was kicked out of his junior soccer league for a variety of infractions.
A copy of the email sent to Brian Garruto outlining the reasons for not being allowed to compete any longer found its way onto Reddit, and it makes for some hilarious reading.
If Gordon Bombay — the man ordered to coach the Mighty Ducks by way of court order in the first movie — had to put up with Garruto, there wouldn’t have been second or third instalments in the series. He would have quit right away.
It seems the teenager wasn’t quite entertained enough by the prospect of simply putting boot to ball on the soccer pitch, so he put all his effort into finding other ways to amuse himself out there.
And we’ve got to give it to him, he definitely succeeded on that front.
He reportedly tweeted out the email he received explaining his ban, and it was picked up and tweeted out by others. It begins normally enough.
“Hello Mr. Garruto, after a meeting with the management of our league we have decided to ban you from our U17/U18 co ed soccer league because of your behaviour,” it reads.
“We have given you warnings on multiple occasions and it seems you still have not respected our authority.
“Here is a list of your recorded incidents that other teams and coaches have reported.”
And then hilarity ensues.
Our personal favourites are:
“Making a phone call while playing on the field.
“Running into goal while hiding ball in shirt.
“Wearing cowboy hat in game.
“Changing jerseys after receiving a red card and attempting to play the remainder of the match.
“Wearing natural light tank top as a uniform.”
Childish? Yes. Immature? Absolutely. Disrespectful to opposition teams? No question. But useful for providing a good laugh? Without doubt.
We probably won’t be hearing about Garruto’s exploits for the American national team at any point, but we’ll never forget him.
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