For everyone out there complaining about Coldplay as halftime entertainment at Sunday’s Super Bowl, know this: It could be much worse.
So, so much worse.
In fact, for the majority of the big game’s history, the break in the middle was about as much of a must-see event as an XFL game. For the first Super Bowl back in 1967, commissioner Pete Rozelle had to be talked into doing something — anything — at halftime by his friend, USC band director Tommy Walker.
“Why would we spend all that money?” Rozelle reportedly asked him.
“That’s when everybody goes to the bathroom.” (No, Pete. Everyone goes to the bathroom during whatever lame, sexually suggestive commercial GoDaddy is putting on this year.)
In the end, Rozelle changed his mind, and he commissioned a mix of high school and university marching bands for entertainment.
And that’s how it stayed for a many years. Carol Channing performed in 1970, and other vocalists occasionally joined the marching bands, but it wasn’t really until 1993 — and Michael Jackson — that the show became about global spectacle.
Jackson was at first confused when he was approached for the gig, but when he was told the game would be broadcast in 120 countries around the world, he signed up.
Jackson begat U2, Justin Timberlake, the Rolling Stones and the rest of the A-list artists who now have the honor of playing the (unpaid) gig.
At this point, it’s difficult to remember when the halftime show served as anything other than a gigantic marketing gig for a musical artist coincidentally about to launch a tour.
So here’s a reminder.
Up With People, the incredibly square, corporate-sponsored, “educational” group founded in the ’60s as an attempt to bring young people together, has played more halftime shows than any other act. When you think of all the socially conscious, hard-driving, anti-establishment music that came out of the ’60s, this ain’t part of it. You know that singing group the Brady Bunch kids once formed?
Multiply that by 50.
The 1976 show featured a celebration of America’s bicentennial. Up With People would last perform at the 1986 Super Bowl.
“You know what the Super Bowl needs?” someone apparently asked. “An Elvis impersonator.”
And so, in 1989, a singer-magician called Elvis Presto took top billing. The act was sponsored by Diet Coke and was supposed to be novel in that it was the world’s largest 3-D broadcast. The soda maker handed out millions of pairs of 3-D glasses, but in the end, the tech fell a bit short.
So did the show.
Rozelle reportedly wasn’t a fan of using big-name acts at halftime because he feared it would deflect attention from the game. As a result, many of the shows turned out to be Broadway-lite clusterbombs built around a concept, as opposed to a band.
In 1992, the theme was “Winter Magic,” and it showcased skaters Dorothy Hamill and Brian Boitano, inflatable snowmen and lots of taffeta.
Cheese was the word in 1995 — followed by “synergy.”
Disney, who produced the halftime show, opted to just throw everything it was selling into a blender, and out poured this cringe-worthy spectacle.
Got a new Indiana Jones ride at Disneyland? Cool, let’s have an actor dressed as the character trying to steal the Super Bowl trophy.
“The Lion King” opening on Broadway? Let’s have Tony Bennett and Patti LaBelle sing “Can You Feel the Love Tonight.”
No matter what you think about Coldplay, it’s unlikely they’ll do anything as embarrassing as 1995. Unless lead singer Chris Martin invites ex-wife Gwyneth Paltrow onstage to sing with him. That will leave us wishing for an encore by Up With People.