As my 3-year-old sang every word to “I Can’t Feel My Face” from the back seat the other day, it finally dawned on me — wait, this song is about cocaine.
Not sure what I thought The Weeknd was singing about before — perhaps the importance of proper winter attire or the dangers of strokes. But suddenly I was paying a lot more attention to Top 40 radio and the human sponge in the back seat, panicked that the munchkin would start wondering why Demi Lovato really likes cherries.
This is what drives parents into the questionable arms of “Kidz Bop,” the popular series of albums that sanitize pop hits. Since 2000, this bane of toddler birthday parties has cumulatively sold nearly 16 million copies, and Friday, the 31st edition arrives, covering everyone from Justin Bieber to X Ambassadors, though, alas, not The Weeknd.
But do I really want to inflict these bleached ballads on her — and, more importantly, me? I listened to a sampling of “Kidz Bop” to see if I could feel my face afterward.
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1. “Hotline Bling,” Drake — "Kidz Bop 31”
Yes, seriously. This ode to phone sex would seem an unlikely choice for the latest “Kidz Bop,” but they forge bravely ahead. Drake’s “You used to call me on my cellphone/Late night when you need my love” becomes the innocent “You used to call me on my cellphone/Any time you need to talk.”
Sure, let’s talk, as long as we don’t go over my family plan’s minutes.
Also, while Drake’s ringing phone “can only mean one thing,” on “Kidz Bop,” “I can only say one thing” . . . which is left a mystery.
But the most convenient way “Hotline Bling” is scrubbed is by skipping entire verses. “Wonder if you bendin’ over backwards for someone else”? They don’t even try. The “Kidz Bop” version is a full minute shorter than Drake’s hit. For songs like Iggy Azalea’s “Fancy,” you wonder why they even bothered. So many lyrics are skipped — including the entire first verse — that the kids’ version is just 2 minutes long.
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2. “Sorry,” Justin Bieber — “Kidz Bop 31”
Not a lot of work here, but it shows off one of “Kidz Bop’s” secret weapons. When in doubt, repeat lyrics!
Justin’s “ ’Cause I’m missing more than just your body” becomes “ ’Cause I’m missing you and now I’m sorry.”
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3. Taylor Swift, “Style” — “Kidz Bop 29”
Taylor Swift in the "Shake It Off" music video. Some “Kidz Bop” alterations are puzzling. Katy Perry’s “Dark Horse,” for instance, remains mostly unchanged, except the name “Aphrodite” is dropped — presumably not because it’s too dirty but because it’s too sophisticated a reference.
In Swift’s love song, meanwhile, midnight is far too late to be going out with a boy, and certainly not without headlights. While she sings “Midnight/You come and pick me up, no headlights/A long drive/Could end in burning flames or paradise,” Kidz get: “Soon tonight/You come and pick me up, the headlights/A long drive/Could end in broken hearts or paradise.”
Most amusingly, Taylor goes through a makeover. The “red lip classic thing that you like” becomes “red dress classic thing that you like” because lips are bad, bad, bad.
Also, her outfit:
“You got that long hair, slicked back, white T-shirt/And I got that good girl faith and a tight little skirt” has apparently been seen by Dad, who marched her right back up the stairs to change: “You got that long hair, slicked back, white T-shirt/And I got that good girl faith and my favorite shirt.”
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4. P!nk, “Get the Party Started” — “Kidz Bop 2
“Boulevard is freakin’ as I’m comin’ up fast/I’ll be burnin’ rubber, you’ll be kissin’ my ass.”
No, no, no.
“Boulevard is freakin’ as I’m comin’ up fast/I’ll be burnin’ rubber, you’ll be watching me pass.”
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5. Maroon 5, “Sugar” — “Kidz Bop 29”
Favorite substitutions for “Kidz Bop” including “smile” for any reference to “body” or “booty” and “dancing” for any sex act. Because what’s wrong with dancing?
“Your sugar/Yes, please/Won’t you come and put it down on me?” becomes “Sugar/Yes, please/Won’t you come and dance away with me?”
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6. Pitbull and Ne-Yo, “Time of Our Lives” — “Kids Bop 29”
A night out with Pitbull: “This is the last $20 I got/But I’mma have a good time ballin’ or out/Tell the bartender line up some shots/Cause I’m a get loose tonight/She’s on fire, she’s so hot/I’m no liar, she burned the spot/Look like Mariah, I took another shot/Told her drop, drop, drop, drop it like it’s hot.”
And with “Kidz Bop”: “This is the last $20 I got/But I’m a have a good time dancin’ or not/Tell my friends line up some spots/Cause I’mma get loose tonight/She’s on fire, it’s so hot/I’m no liar, she burned up the spot/Sounds like Mariah, she sang it from the top/Told her sing, sing, sing, sing it like it’s hot.”
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7. Meghan Trainer, “All About That Bass” — “Kidz Bop 27”
Meghan Trainor in the "All About that Bass" video. Apparently you’re never too young for body confidence, especially when it comes to sulking in your room.
“Yeah, my mama she told me ‘don’t worry about your size’/She says, ‘Boys like a little more booty to hold at night’ ” becomes “Yeah, my mama she told me ‘don’t worry about your size’/She says, ‘Don’t let it keep you in your room at night.’”
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8. Jason Derulo, “Want To Want Me” — “Kidz Bop 29”
This one is of particular interest because my Adele Jr. heard it, loved it, and started singing it. But with lyrics like: “You open the door/Wearing nothing but a smile, fell to the floor/And you whisper in my ear, ‘Baby, I’m yours.’/Ooh, just the thought of you gets me so high, so high.”
I just hope she doesn’t start singing it at day care. “Kidz Bop” offers: “You open the door/And it’s good to see you smile, locking the door/And you hold my hand and say, ‘Baby, I’m yours.’/Ooh, just the thought of you makes my heart fly, so high.”
It’s fine, though the wife wonders if it was really so hard to just close the door. Let’s not be locking doors here.
Valiant effort, “Kidz Bop,” but I just can’t do it.
Jason Derulo at the People’s Choice Awards.REUTERS/Mario Anzuoni First, there’s the cheery veneer the young singers give to every remake. It’s like a really enthusiastic high school glee club. What they did to “Elastic Heart” is probably why Sia wears the wig.
I also can’t shake the feeling that this is rather pointless, like watching an edited-for-television version of a Quentin Tarantino film. Especially in a technological age untethered from the radio, wouldn’t it better to curate a playlist of cleaner — and let’s be honest, better — songs?
It’s OK for there to be shows a child can’t watch, music they can’t listen to. That’s what makes growing up worth it. When I was a kid, thanks to Tipper Gore, there was nothing I wanted to listen to more than the album “Purple Rain.” I had to wait until I was old enough, and cunning enough, to get a copy, and relished the transgression. I shudder to think what a “Kidz Bop” version of Prince would have sounded like.
Some day — hopefully in a very, very long time — a teenage kidlet will find the music I won’t let her listen to now. That’s what the best rock and pop songs are: rebellion.
