Stepping onto the Grandstand court Monday morning, Mardy Fish had nothing left to accomplish. He was ready to say goodbye.
Returning to the U.S. Open for the first time since withdrawing three years ago because of an anxiety disorder that took him away from the sport for nearly two years, the 33-year-old was prepared to call it a career, able to smile while standing face-to-face with one of the darkest memories of his life.
“This tournament is where it all came crashing down and where I had the worst feelings of my life,” said Fish, recalling the anxiety attack that hit prior to his 2012 fourth-round match against Roger Federer. “That’s a tough thing at my favorite tournament, so I sort of desperately wanted to come back and change that narrative.”
Successfully swinging the sympathetic image to one of resilience, Fish extended his farewell tournament with a 6-7 (5), 6-3, 6-1, 6-3 win over Italian Marco Cecchinato.
Fish, who will face 18th-seeded Feliciano Lopez in the second round, had only played in three tournaments this summer prior to coming to Queens, winning his first match in nearly two years in August.
“I want to embrace the whole thing,” Fish said. “I certainly don’t expect myself to make a run. … A huge part of it is just coming back here, enjoying the experience of this tournament one last time and sort of conquering what happened where it was all sort of pulled away from me three years ago.”
Fish’s spiral began with an accelerated heart rate and led to a point where he wasn’t comfortable leaving his house for more than two months. Slowly, he returned to regular activities while taking medication and undergoing therapy.
Following a brief return to action in 2013, Fish spent more than a year and a half away from the tour.
“It’s still a constant battle, day-to-day sort of stuff,” said Fish, who won a silver medal at the 2004 Olympics and reached a career-high No. 7 world ranking in 2011. “I think about it constantly. I work on the mental health side constantly. … It’s unfortunate that it happened when it happened, but what happened to me was expectations changed. All of a sudden, it wasn’t quite good enough to make the fourth round of a Grand Slam, when my whole life before that it was an incredible achievement.”
Expectations had long evaporated by the time Fish returned this summer to conclude a career most already believed was finished. And after falling in the first set Monday, Fish remained at peace, knowing the end might be near.
“I took it as my last match — until I won,” Fish said.
With nearly every winner hit, Fish would crack a smile, almost always combined with a fist pump. And after hitting two aces to end the match, he threw both arms in the air, enjoying the adulation of a crowd not quite ready to say goodbye.
“That’s why you want this to be your last one,” Fish said of the Open fans. “That’s the memory I want to last.”