Change is in the air as Season 5 of HBO’s “Game of Thrones” begins: Cersei’s on the ropes, Mance is on the pyre and Tyrion is on the move. It’s looking like this just might be the season of the underdog, though “GoT” viewers know by now not to get too attached to anyone; author George R.R. Martin and showrunners David Benioff and Dan Weiss have a disturbing habit of killing off the characters we love best.
In an opening straight out of a fairy tale, we begin with two young girls walking through a forest. One of them is Cersei Lannister, who clearly picked a hairstyle at an early age and stuck with it. She and her girlfriend solicit fortunes from an older woman in a hut: “They said you were terrifying, with cat’s teeth and three eyes. You’re not. You’re boring,” says Cersei, with her usual level of tact. “Tell me my future or I’ll have your two boring eyes gouged out of your head.” But it’s not all happily ever after for the Lannister lass: “You’ll be queen for a time,” the witch cackles. “Then comes another, younger, more beautiful, to cast you down and take all you hold dear.” (Even odds on Margaery and Danaerys?)
Cut to adult Cersei (Lena Headey), en route to her father’s funeral. There are long lines of obligated-looking mourners outside the church, but they’ll have to go on waiting as Cersei stomps inside for some alone time with her dead dad. Except twin brother Jamie (Nikolaj Coster-Waldau) is already there, standing over Tywin’s (Charles Dance) corpse, adorned with creepy painted eye-stones. “They’re going to try to take it away — all of it,” he warns his sister, who doesn’t care about mass uprisings but does rip his head off (figuratively!) for letting Tyrion (Peter Dinklage) go. Their scene ends, for a change, with zero rapey incest.
The dwarf in question is finally uncrated in the Caribbean-esque city of Pentos, where he’s reunited with his rescuer, Lord Varys (Conleth Hill). “I still don’t see why I had to stay in this f—king crate once we set sail,” he spits, downing one goblet of wine after another. Varys ignores this ingratitude and makes his pitch to Tyrion: Come with him to Meereen and meet the realm’s new best hope, Daenerys Targaryen (Emilia Hill). “Can I drink myself to death along the way?” Tyrion asks.
Though a meeting between Dany and Tyrion might make “GoT” fans’ heads explode with joy, they’ll have to wait; the Mother of Dragons is still struggling to rule the newly conquered slave city. One of her castrated Unsullied soldiers has been murdered in a brothel by a member of a rebel group calling itself Sons of the Harpy — a reference, likely, to the golden idol we saw torn down moments before. Dany’s being advised to reopen the city’s gladiatorial fighting pits to placate the people, but she’s not a fan of “human cockfighting.” She is, however, a fan of the mercenary Daario Naharis (Michel Huisman), who emerges naked from her bed to suggest she do it — and that she get back in touch with her dragons, two of whom are unhappily caged in a dungeon underneath the city and one of whom hasn’t been seen for months.
Back at the Wall, where it has never NOT been winter, Jon Snow (Kit Harington) is summoned by Melisandre (Carice Van Houten) to a tete-a-tete with Stannis Baratheon (Stephen Dillane). The meeting’s inconveniently scheduled atop the Wall, which means Jon must take the interminable Wall elevator up with Stannis’ henchwoman. “Are you not cold, my lady?” he politely asks Melisandre, who’s wearing only her omnipresent plunging-necked red gown. Nope; “The Lord’s fire lives within me.” Clearly bad at segues, she asks if he’s a virgin; he awkwardly admits that he is not.
Littlefinger (Aidan Gillen) and Sansa (Sophie Turner) are quietly enjoying themselves watching the hapless Robin (Lino Facioli) go through swordfighting training at the school for young inbred royalty at which they are clearly abandoning him. Later, aboard a carriage, Littlefinger lets on to the increasingly canny Sansa that he’s taking her “to a land so far away that even Cersei Lannister can’t get her hands on you.”
Brienne of Tarth (Gwendoline Christie), recovering from her fight to the death with the Hound, is on the road with Podrick Payne (Daniel Portman), who insists on being her squire despite her insistence that he can’t be because she is not a knight. “I don’t want anyone following me,” she says. “All I wanted was to fight for a good leader.” And all of them, she says, are dead.
Cersei’s intended, Loras Tyrell (Finn Jones), is interrupted in bed with a blond gentleman; “We’re late for dinner as it is,” his sister Margaery (Natalie Dormer) snaps at him, adding that he could be more discreet. “Why?” shrugs Loras, saying there’s no point trying to keep anything secret in a gossipy hive like King’s Landing. Furthermore, he says, his sister should really be worried about the prospect of Cersei not marrying Loras and staying in town as the world’s worst mother-in-law. “Perhaps,” says Margaery ominously.
Jon Snow’s pleas for wildling leader Mance to bend the knee to Stannis are falling on deaf ears, though the King Beyond the Wall concedes death by burning is “a bad way to go.” He wants the respect of his people, though, so he’ll suck it up. “Behold the fate of those who choose the darkness,” lectures Melisandre as she lights a pyre under Mance’s feet. Will we have to watch yet another gruesome, drawn-out death as the wildling king begins to catch fire? Thankfully, no; a well-placed arrow rains on Stannis’ sadistic parade. Contrary to the saying about Jon Snow’s lack of knowledge, he IS good at putting a guy out of his misery.