Ah, yes. The pilgrimage home for the New York transplant.
Hannah packs up her trash bag and heads back to Michigan for her parents’ thirtieth anniversary. It starts off with smiles, but that doesn’t last long. Once she’s trapped in the back seat of their car, they unleash a string of questions about work and her life in New York. This wouldn’t cause one to tense up unless one just quit their job and didn’t want to tell one’s parents yet. Hannah gets snappy and her dad responds with, “You’ve got a mood on.”
We see Hannah’s old bedroom that has been frozen in time — Goo Goo Dolls poster on the wall, high school graduation pictures. (Enjoy reminiscing now Hannah, it’s only a matter of time before that room becomes a home gym or office.) The next morning, Hannah is sent to pick up her mother’s menopause prescription. She stops for a coffee and runs into an old acquaintance who tells Hannah the story of Carrie. Apparently Carrie had the same exact fate as Natalee Halloway. And there will be a benefit held for her that night.
Then, at the pharmacy, the pharmacist recognizes Hannah from her “Holla at Hannah” advice column in the high school newspaper. After giving her some free lubricant to go along with her mom’s menopause medicine (ew), he asks her to be his date for the Carrie benefit that night.
Hannah breaks the news to her parents about bailing on their dinner, justifying it by saying, “I dont think you guys are understanding the severity of this issue. I’ve been dating someone who treats my heart like it’s monkey meat. I feel like an delusional, invisible person half the time, so I need to learn what it’s like to be treated well before it’s too late for me.”
Her predate pep talk to the mirror is pure Hannah perfection. “You are from New York, therefore you are just naturally interesting. It is not necessary for you to fill all of the pauses. You are not in danger of mortifying yourself. The worst stuff you say sounds better than some of the best stuff other people say.”
Her coffee shop acquaintance, who is moving to LA to be a dancer next week, performs at the benefit. Hannah looks around in disbelief as the crowd seems to enjoy the horrifically awkward performance, including her date.
They end up back at his place. Hannah uses every sex trick she learned from Adam on the unsuspecting pharmacist, who would like an evening of good-old-fashioned missionary with no dirty talk.
While Hannah is on her date, we see her parents on theirs. They talk about their concern for Hannah — dad is more concerned than mom.
“What does a person like that turn into? … When she realizes shes not going to be what she wants to be when she grows up,” he ponders.
Mom defends that cutting Hannah off gave her something to write about. Well, they give her something else to write about that night when mid-shower-sex, dad falls and hits his head and Hannah walks in on her mom reviving his naked body.
After that inspiring episode, Adam calls Hannah. The viewing audience rolls their eyes when he awkwardly tells her he misses her in the least romantic way possible. We all know that’s all Hannah needs to revert back to her monkey-meat-hearted ways.