What if Italy left the EU and joined Big East?

I refuse to do a column of predictions for next year. It’s too carny, not to mention corny. And there are just too many amateurs now in the business.

You want to know what’s going to happen in the year ahead? Go see the fortune teller down on Horatio Street and tell her you’d like to know if the stock market will go up or down.

She looks like she could use a good laugh; and she’ll be happy to take your money. (Mention my name and she’ll charge you extra.)

Instead, here’s my “What if” column for 2012.

Let’s start with this: What if Ron Paul suddenly became a serious contender for the Republican presidential nomination?

And what if the Mets stopped concentrating on scoring with investors and instead scored more runs against opponents?

And what if Congress did its job without grandstanding ahead of the vote for president?

The answer to those three what ifs is simple: They would be miracles. And where I come from, three miracles would make someone a saint.

Keep the Vatican’s phone number handy, just in case.

There’s a reason for the proliferation of predictive articles this time of year. First, people always feel a little smarter when they know nobody will be checking their calls for 12 months.

But there’s another reason — there is typically so little going on during the Christmas-to-New Year’s week that it’s difficult to fill newspapers.

The chatter of know-it-alls takes care of that need.

Technically, I’m on vacation this week. If you look hard enough you can see me sunning myself in the South of Jersey.

But I’m writing anyway for two reasons. One, my editor is either going to fill my space with me or doodles.

Second, and more important, my mother doesn’t like it when I’m not in the paper. Marge Crudele — hello, Mom! — worries that I’ve been fired whenever my column isn’t in The Post like it’s supposed to be. (Still employed, mom!)

Okay, back to the what-ifs:

* What if someone like Jon Corzine went to jail in 2012? Put this in the miracle category as well. But if the former New Jersey governor and ex-CEO of Goldman Sachs were made a bar-clanking neighbor of Bernie Madoff, it would go a way toward restoring confidence — not only in our financial system but in our courts as well.

* What if Washington started putting out credible economic numbers?

For one thing, that would pretty much put me out of a job. The incredibly bad data coming from Washington has been a boom business for any financial journalist who isn’t willing to buy into the hype.

* What if cars that could park themselves also had to pay for their own gas?

* What if someone fed the hungry by coming up with a delicious recipe for roasted Canada goose and then started looking into squirrel hors d’oeuvre?

* What if Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke suddenly started raising rates, perhaps in the mistaken belief that the economy was on its way to recovery?

This won’t happen in 2012.

But let’s just say it did, then savers would suddenly have more money to spend but borrowers would be paying more for credit.

This is a prime example of how nothing that can be done by Congress, the president or the Federal Reserve will have a beneficial effect without hurting some segment of the public.

* What if Italy said fuggedaboutit to the European Union and joined the Big East — in all sports?

* What if companies stopped worrying about the profits they reported publicly and, instead, did what was best for their business?

More people would be hired for expansion in anticipation of an economic expansion that will come someday. Execs would be less rich from their stock portfolios but, in the end, everyone would benefit.

* What if Apple stopped updating its iPhone and, instead, started putting its technology brains to better use? They could work on replacing the external combustion engine in cars, for starters.

* What if the price of oil started reflecting the actual consumer supply and demand, instead of trading tactics on Wall Street? We’d all have several thousands dollars more in our pockets, which we would be free to waste on other things.

* What if the NFL put markings on players’ jerseys designating the only spots where they can be hit. In a few years, the quarterback? could only be touched lightly on his left thigh pad and only on alternate Sundays.

* What if traders stopped controlling the stock market and let average people also play?

Suddenly, the market would be what it used to be — a place where companies could raise money from people who believed in them. People who enjoy the thrill of a casino would lose out.

* Last, what if later this week you are waiting for hours in the New Year’s Eve crowd in Times Square and suddenly have to go to the bathroom?

Really, what can you do about that? I mean, nobody wants to start off a new year by peeing their pants, do they? Now that’s a real dilemma.