With books like last year’s “You Had Me at Woof” and the new “Love at First Bark,” New Yorker Julie Klam has established herself as a funny, astute observer of dogs and the obsessives who own them — including herself.
In honor of Pet Peeves Week (yes, there is such a thing!), Klam turns her sharp-eyed wit on her fellow New Yorkers to tell us about the most common “breeds” of dog owners she encounters in the city — and how to cope with them. “Most of the dog owners in New York are more amusing than dangerous,” she admits. “I try to look at them and believe they are doing things for the best reasons, not because they’re jerks.”
As the owner of three spirited Boston terriers, Klam, who will be signing books at Greenpoint’s Word Bookstore on Tuesday, admits she looks like “a complete wreck” when walking her own pack in her Central Park neighborhood. “But that doesn’t stop me from judging everybody else.”
BREED: Big Dog
People
“They’re not accepting the fact that they live in a small apartment in the city. They have this air that says, ‘’I’m not really here. I live in Pound Ridge or Bedford, so I have this giant beige dog. And I pick up bigger poops than you, so I am better than you.’ ”
COPING MECHANISM:“You can’t shame them — they won’t see you behind their $700 sunglasses. You can just mock them internally.”
BREED: Non-Dog Owning Dog People
“Sometimes really scary people will approach you and start chatting and, especially when it’s dark, all I can think is, ‘Are they really a dog person? Or are they trying to distract me because they’re trying to kill me?’ ”
COPING MECHANISM: “When this happens to me, I will tell my dog to, ‘Say hi,’ as if they will suddenly speak. It works, though, because when they don’t talk the people leave. Or, I immediately get on a fake cell phone call.”
BREED: Know-It-Alls
“One day, I was walking my three dogs, and one got out of her collar. I grabbed her straightaway, but a neighborhood dog walker came up to tell me everything I had done wrong. That I had the wrong kind of collar and I’m not holding the leash the right way.”
COPING MECHANISM: “I think the best thing to do is say, ‘Actually, I was trying to kill him.’ ”
BREED: Dog Park Space Cadets
“Some people take their dogs to runs to network for jobs and dates. Their dog might be taking a dump and they’re oblivious, chatting away. You’re like, ‘Uh, excuse me?’ ”
COPING MECHANISM: “Take your dogs to the dog run when it’s empty so they can go crazy and not feel embarrassed if they act like bratty kids.”
BREED: Tie-&-Runners
“There’s a cafe across the street from my gym, and I can watch frommy treadmill as people go into a cafe for a coffee and muffin—and leave the dog outside for an hour, barking or with his tail between his legs. They’re trying to be carefree, but not thinking about the dog. Like the people who take newborn babies into a bar, thinking, ‘Nope, my life isn’t going to change one bit.’ ”
COPING MECHANISM:“Go stand with the dog and watch until the person comes out.”
BREED: Purse Dog Princesses
“I used to see a guy in my old building pushing a stroller and thought he had a baby. Nope, it was a dog, and it was completely capable of walking. These people should have a child or get a doll. The poor dogs don’t even know they’re dogs. I wish they could say to their owners, ‘Thanks for the perfume, I’m going to roll in a dead rat now!’ ”
COPING MECHANISM: “Tell the women that a dog in a purse makes them look fat.”
BREED: Treat Dispensers
“My first dog, Otto, never ate treats because I fed him good people food. But he always ate the treats the vet gave him. I never thought to ask what they were, because I figured, well, he’s a vet. It turned out they were Raisinets! Raisins and chocolate—two things that can kill dogs! The vet was like, ‘They love them, it’s fine.’ ”
COPING MECHANISM: “Say, ‘I’m sorry, my dog’s vegan.’ ”