The Premier League season will open on August 15th and at least three things will be different (Wolverhampton, Birmingham City and Burnley instead of Newcastle United, Middlesbrough and West Bromwich Albion).
Oh, and Cristiano “Show me the Money” Ronaldo is finally gone, for what Sir Bobby Charlton is calling a “vulgar” sum of money. I’ll never like them, but I feel less badly towards Manchester United now that he and his greasy hair have left the building.
The fixtures for the aforesaid August Saturday are as follows: Aston Villa v. Wigan Athletic: Villa will be re-tuning this off-season to put behind them the awful form with which they ended the campaign. They had enough to put down Newcastle United, but that was a bit like smothering a cripple.
Steve Bruce’s Wigan will be looking to build on their impressive (for them) campaign last season. He is proving to be quite the coach and, compared to his old teammate Sparky (Mark Hughes), he might be the better Red-Devil-turned-Prem-gaffer.
Blackburn Rovers v Manchester City: Speaking of Sparky, Mr. Hughes — who was a favorite to get the sack last season — will be back and hoping for more from his Billionaires. Sam Allardyce got the last laugh by keeping Rovers up while his old club, Newcastle, sank like the Titanic. Feel free to make jokes about Mike Ashley’s weight.
Bolton Wanderers v Sunderland: The Black Cats are the North East’s sole survivors. Go buy a lotto ticket, kids, or kiss your posteriors good-bye … because it probably means the world will soon end. Yeah, the Mackem supporters are still pissing on the graves of the Magpies and the Smoggies … and the Candy Canes will visit Prem mainstay Bolton for the opener.
Chelsea v Hull City: Thank goodness Phil Brown grew back his goatee. When he shaved it off, the Tigers plummeted into the drop. And, if his goatee wasn’t the reason Hull survived, Brown probably sent a fruit basket to Mike Ashley for being the most incompetent boss in the history of football, and presiding over Newcastle’s demise. Hope Phil’s got some facial hair when his team goes to the Bridge to face the Pensioners.
Everton v Arsenal: David Moyes is a brilliant coach. Tim Howard has been good in goal for them and he has Tourette’s. Ever wonder what kind of outbursts he has when players come near him? I’d love for him to be mic’ed up. Arsene Wenger will bring his wooden personality and his non-English side to blue half of Liverpool to begin another of Arsenal’s futile chases for the League crown. Maybe Moyes’ men can vie for a top four finish.
Manchester United v Birmingham City: The Red Devils versus the newly promoted Blues. Thrashing, anyone?
Portsmouth v Fulham: The Cottagers survived two campaigns ago in dramatic fashion and shot right up the table last season. Portsmouth looked bound to drop after ‘Arry left them for dead, but they surged back into safety. The result is that we get to see these two mercurial clubs face off in the first match of their ’09-’10 campaigns.
Stoke City v Burnley: Two — count them — two (2) sides survived promotion and will return to fight again in the Premier League. Stoke City, pegged to go back to the League Championship last season, survived with breathing room. They’ll face promoted side Burnley, who kept Sheffield United crying in the league below about the cruel unfairness of life.
Tottenham Hotspur v Liverpool: Tune in to this match for the Battle of the Choke Artists. Consistently middling Tottenham take on Consistently Just-Shy-of-the-Mark Liverpool. Just remember that Rafa Benitez is not fat, he’s a-big bo-ned .
(the three-way call between ‘Wenger’, ‘Ferguson’ and ‘Benitez’ is around the 2:40 mark, but Rafa’s big bo-ned comment comes around 4:15)
Wolverhampton Wanderers v West Ham United: And at the end of the alphabet, Wolves try to ring in their return to the top by taking down the Hammers, who have been rescued from financially insolvent Icelandic ownership.