‘DID u get the text message that I sent u?” the Facebook message from a young man who desperately wanted to intern for me read demandingly. “Pls respond to let me know, ok, thank u.”
After two more text messages, I finally did respond – but I also felt my flesh crawl.
This sweet, well-meaning, limited-in-real-world-experience young man violated perhaps the biggest rule in the unwritten handbook of networking.
I now thought he was a psycho.
Was he an extreme example? Yes. But as I learned while fielding inquiries from dozens of young up-and-comers who responded to my posting on Craigslist, he’s got plenty of company among his fellow recent college grads.
“This is the first generation that grew up with blogging and social networking where everything is public, super-democratic and you can ‘friend’ anyone,” observes Laura Gilbert, editor of lemondrop.com, an advice site for young women. “A lot of new grads don’t have any frame of reference to understand that friendliness isn’t the same as being friends.”
In fact, it was my experience with this young man – the sloppy text abbreviations, the hint of neediness in his demeanor and the astounding lack of deference – that made me resolve to start being more brutal with other applicants.
“I’m going to be straight with you,” I told one 20something who applied using a collegiate e-mail, shared with me his error-strewn blog and failed to put a signature file in his e-mail, forcing me to work to find his contact info. “People are looking for reasons to eliminate you, and right now you’re giving them plenty.”
Harsh? Maybe – but he thanked me.
And, in doing so, he passed the most important character test, especially when it comes to young people. That is, how do you deal with constructive criticism?
If you’re defensive, then you resolutely fail. (I once told a young woman it was bad form not to say thank you after I helped her find an internship, and she wrote back to say, “I too am very busy, Mandy.”)
Are you graceful? Appreciative? Integrate the advice? A++.
Or as Biz Stone, co-founder of Twitter, told me: “It’s about understanding that people’s in-boxes are full every day, and if you want to get your foot in the door you need to put yourself in that other person’s shoes.”
And for recent grads, understanding such things is more important than ever. Because during boom times, a 20-year-old might be given the chance to be a work in progress. Today? He’s competing against a 20-year veteran out of work.
Which leads me to my first “Do,” to help young people raised on social-networking who aren’t being told what they’re doing wrong by time-strapped potential employers.
D0: Understand your place. Antonia Townsend, chief marketing officer for a Brooklyn-based Web start-up (and a mentor for high schoolers at imentor.org), puts it like this:
“Here’s one of my favorite maxims in life. I often ask young people when they are applying for a job, ‘What do you think your job is?’ And if they tell me the job description, I say no, ‘Your job is to make your bosses’ life easier.’ “
Also, Townsend advises: Dress up, “knock their socks off” with knowledge of competitors and ask great questions.
Do: Communicate that you “get it.” This means that in every interaction you show your respect for the other person’s time – and your position in the hierarchy. You can do this by not bothering someone with any question that can be found by Googling or a phone call. This includes directions to a job interview. If the person volunteers it, fine, but otherwise, it’s called hopstop.com.
Do: Show you’re confident – but still respectful. Until you’re the CEO, and even then, this cannot be emphasized enough, because most higher-ups simply write off young people who fail to get this lesson.
My boss tells me the story of a young Post copy kid who asked to borrow her New Yorker. “I’m not done with it,” the editor said, a bit amazed at the lack of deference. “OK,” the clueless kid said. “Then I guess you can keep it.”
If you don’t understand why this is bad behavior, then, seriously, read about 20 books on job etiquette (Martin Yate’s “Knock ‘Em Dead” books are among the best) until you get it.
Do: Show gratitude, in an earnest way. If you get a call about an internship or job, have an excited, appreciative tone in your voice. Say things like, “It’s great to hear from you,” or “I really appreciate your time.” Even if the employer is casual, show respect and professionalism in your interaction. As Gilbert says, “Keep in mind the stodgy aunt you want to please.”
Do: Write short, conversational yet still deferential (note how I keep using that word?) e-mails. Power comes from an authentic and enthusiastic tone – which means not sounding like a press release. Befriend a more experienced person who can help you with this.
Do: Establish and gain value through others. Here’s the secret to networking. You are looking for credits and introductions to show potential resources that you are “vetted.” That is, that you’re not a psycho. Do I pay more attention to someone introduced to me by someone I trust? Absolutely. Great reading on this subject: “Little Black Book of Connections,” by Jeffrey Gitomer, or any classic Dale Carnegie tome.
Do: Scrutinize every detail about yourself. That means getting rid of the goofy e-mail address and attaching a signature file. Explains Sam Blake Hofstetter, a manager in digital programming at MTV Networks and an intern supervisor: “It’s tough to take someone seriously if I’m supposed to write back to a resume that has the e-mail ‘lollipop5.’ “
If you’re really freaked out by adult responsibilities, check out a basic primer like “How Do You Work This Life Thing?” by Lizzie Post. For women, especially, Gilbert recommends the works of Lois Frankel, who wrote “Overcoming Your Strengths” and “Nice Girls Don’t Get the Corner Office.”
Do: Shut up about your plight. Yes, it sucks out there right now, but optimism is infectious and will get you the job. What to do during lean times? Consider marketing your services on elance.com and guru.com (but be careful to research the sites first). Increase your skill set and Web savvy with free tutorials on YouTube and elsewhere. There are always opportunities. Always. Yes, always.
Do: Realize how far a little ego stroking will get you. I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve bothered to have coffee with a young person who e-mailed me to say exactly why she genuinely liked something I’ve written – and would I have time to give advice?
Seriously, it’s the informational interviews in life that will take you everywhere. But just like in dating you don’t say, “I’d like to potentially see you naked,” you’d never say, “I think you could do something for me.” See yourself as someone with value (even the energy of youth is a huge asset, just don’t forget the – that word again – deference) and instantly, you become more of a player.
Do: Pay a few bucks for a career coach and go to industry networking events. I’m a fan of fiveoclockclub.com, investing in a business card and doing things like writing out goals. And when you’re networking, don’t appear to be a desperate, insincere vulture. Instead be confident, excited, grateful (but not reeking of neediness) and engaged, and after a few minutes of quality talking, simply ask: “Do you have a card?” It’s really as easy as that.
Do: Not let all these command-ments scare you off. As the man who taught me to network, John Kupetz, a legendary former placement director at Northwestern University, told me recently, persistence is still key.
“I always told students: I never had an employer tell me, ‘I hired this person because they were the one person who never bothered me.'”
mstadtmiller@nypost.com