Premiere is for Party

At People’s Revolution, Whitney and Lauren continue to act as little footsoldiers supporting the denim faction of the fashion regime, intently running their hands over racks of expensive blue jeans and gossiping about Horsey’s upcoming birthday party at the Sorority House that Lauren and Not Lauren are throwing. Well, Not Lauren has not been much of a planner in this regard. Not Lauren is Not a lot of things, but primarily at this juncture she is Not Horsey’s Friend and hence she is Not Interested in Doing Nice Things For Horsey.

Oh, BTW, Lauren has a date with a guy named Doug with whom she shares a past, i.e., with whom she went to prom and probably third base sometime after that… Whitney can’t believe Lauren’s luck finding Doug after all of this time and cross-county distance. “That is so a small world.” Then Whitney performs her classic name analysis: “DUHg… Doug… Doug’s such a funny name.” Lauren says its about time she went out on a proper date with a non-douchebag.

Now, the last time we saw Heidi, she had totally blown off Bossman Bolthouse and Sam Lufti or whoever that other guy was in Vegas and ran back to L.A. with Spencer to resume making the biggest mistake of her life. By some miracle – probably involving airtight contractual language with the producers of the show – Heidi appears to still have a non-job at Bolthouse, although this is still not clear because she walks into the office with Animatronic Kimberly and they proceeds to plop down in the reception area. I’m pretty sure she’s not allowed past the receptionist desk.

Heidi tells Kimberly that her sister Holly is coming to visit but she hasn’t dropped this bomb on Spencer yet. You can see the fright on her artificially plumped frosty pink Wet-n-Wild lips. What if the She-Tag shows up at fashion school with Lauren and the She-Pratt? Genius! I mean, Disaster!

At Epic Records, Horsey asks Chiara about her plans for the weekend. Chiara says she’s house hunting, since you asked. Chiara looks too bitchy to have a boyfriend, so maybe she’s starting her own sorority like Horsey, Not Lauren and Lauren did. Well, says Horsey, if you’d rather come to my sorority pool party rather than make the biggest purchase of your life, you’re welcome to come. Horsey doesn’t know if Not Lauren has been in on the party planning or if this is solely Lauren’s doing. “Lo’s always just super bitchy. That’s just how she is,” as she shrugs and looks around for the feed bag.

Heidi arrives home to find – surprise! – the She-Tag and Spencer chillin’ awkward-style in their crib. Heidi makes a “whoopsie” face at Spencer as she hugs her much larger yet less surgically-altered sibling. The She-Tag is remarkably uncomfortable both with the situation and being on camera. Heidi tells Spencer to be nice, to which Spencer replies, with a glare in his eye, “Nice is my middle name.”

That evening at the Sorority House, Lauren is getting ready for her date with Doug when Not Lauren comes by to tell her she looks pretty and butter her up. Lauren encourages Not Lauren to go make nice and have fun with Horsey while she’s off getting some, to which Not Lauren makes a face and responds, “Yeah, well.” Yeah, well, Doug’s here, so get out my way or I’ll choke you with my braid.

Lauren gets the date started off right by asking a few thoughtful questions on ride over to the restaurant.

“Are you hungry?”

“Are you adjusting well to L.A.?”

“Do you remember that time when I used to drive by your house and call you from the side of the road?”

Doug elects to continue with the date in spite of the inquisition and unfortunate trip down psycho memory lane. Two can play this game, so he asks what she’s been up to for the past, oh, four years. Lauren responds appropriately by asking for a drink called “The Fuzzy Dragon,” which is all Doug needs to know. Doug orders a Stella, which Lauren says means that he is a “guy’s guy.” Before the drinks arrive, Doug asks if they can go on another date because this Fuzzy Dragon stuff sounds hawt. Well actually, says Lauren, why don’t you come to this party I’m throwing? You can meet my friends who all hate each other.

The next morning, the sun is shining, the birds are chirping and the She-Tag is inexplicably fixing breakfast for Heidi and Spencer. Spencer stumbles out of his room, takes one look at She-Tag’s food and says, “I’m gonna take a pass.” Obviously “Polite” is not Spencer’s middle name. While Heidi lectures Spencer about how rude he is, the She-Tag casually comments that their dishes appear to have been festering in the sink for a month. Spencer, who is intent on being a hobo, goes back to bed.

Carrots and apples? Check. Bales of hay? Check. It’s time for Horsey’s parrrr-tttty! Among the first guests to arrive is the infamous Douche Squad, led by Captain Frankie, sporting matching Lakers jerseys. Hey now, it appears that Doug is now a part of the Douche Squad, so we know he may be a good match for Lauren. But then things take a turn for the worse when lots of scary rocker types and street punks invited by Horsey show up. Not Lauren looks out at them from the safe confines of the kitchen, remarking, “There’s so many people,” while casting a disapproving look at the grungy punks playing leapfrog in the pool. It’s Not your party, Not Lauren. But she doesn’t know any of these cretins. Well, she resolves, “We’re going to just have to enjoy the company that comes.”

Across town, Heidi is giving She-Tag an “L.A. makeover” but it doesn’t look like they’ve been by the plastic surgeon’s office yet. She-Tag asks why Heidi hasn’t told Mom-Tag about the rekindling of her relationship with Spencer. “I don’t always want my family all in my relationship like that,” snaps Heidi, except when I invite MTV to come to Crusted Butt for some staged bonding/melodrama with the parents. She-Tag asks a tired question about Lauren and says she doesn’t want Heidi to sacrifice anything else for her relationship, like her sense of self-importance.

Let’s move back to the party, because the Lauren-Heidi drama is old news. Besides, Justin Bobby just arrived, so things can only get better. Doughe tries to get Lauren to sit on his lap for a bit but she rebuffs his advances because she’s got a party to run. Meanwhile, Not Lauren has been upstairs for an hour playing with the dog. “This is the part where we need to make an effort,” chides Lauren, because Horsey is our roommate, and I’m really trying to make this a happy place. Not Lauren’s over it. She says, “It’s just uncomfortable and I’m done,” and then she stomps back upstairs, mousy hair and all. She sucks. Outside, all the Summer Steves in NBA jerseys watch the misfits roughhousing in the pool to the delight and amusement of Horsey.

Time flies, because it’s time for She-Tag to go home… or is it? “Maybe I should just move out here,” says She-Tag. I mean, its obvious there can’t be much action in Crusted Butt when She-Tag describes the past weekend in L.A. with Heidi and Satan as “the best time of her whole life.” Spencer slams the trunk of her car shut when She-Tag casually suggests that she could crash with them temporarily, to which Heidi responds, “Yeah, sure, we’ll figure it out.”

At People’s Revolution, Lauren explains to Whitney how she felt bad about ignoring Doug at the party and how Not Lauren did not come out to play with Horsey. “I told Lo she has to talk to Audrina because I can’t take this anymore.”

Cut to Not Lauren crossing the vast expanse of the backyard pasture to visit Horsey at the stable so they can share their feelings. Not Lauren says she feels like they’ve tried to foster a friendship three-way but Horsey says she feels put on the outside. “I feel like the blame is being put on me for the reason you an Lauren are drifting apart,” snaps Not Lauren. Horsey retorts that all she gets is attitude from Not Lauren and then explains why they really aren’t getting along.

“I feel like I have friends who try and make me feel included.” Not Lauren tries to protest but Horsey rears up both hind legs and jacks Not Lauren across the room. “It’s like I just don’t care. We’re never going to be friends.” Not Lauren wishes she hadn’t made the effort by wearing a side ponytail.

– Nicole Homewood