Pervy Spice and Cackle Puss kick-off ‘SYTYCD’

Rayven and Jamie: Disaster

Rayven and Jamie – Hop-Hop

Rayven is the oldest dancer in this season’s competition – 28 years old – and she’s not going to let her hip prosthesis or her dentures get in the way of becoming Americker’s Fah-vo-rit Dahncer. Jamie is a West Coast Swing dancer with an apparent penchant for AquaNet hairspray who originally auditioned with his girlfriend but she couldn’t cut the mustard. Boo-hoo. They do this hip-hop marionette dance that is neither funky nor really interesting but there’s a fair amount of butt waggling and, um, nonsensical peen. It’s probably the most ridiculous dance I’ve ever seen. No really. I just said out loud, “That was the stupidest dance I’ve ever seen.” Thumbs down for choreographers Napoleon and Tabitha. You’re no Wade Robson. Dress-Up Ferret agrees with me that there was no funk. And ferrets know funk.

Kourtni L. and Matt: Tamale Train
hobos

Kourtni is already a winner just from having survived that scissors attack by her hairstylist. Matt, like Benji and Neil before him, is a fan of dancing in athletic shorts and socks. Mandy Moore’s latest choreographed dance to “Tainted Love” by Soft Cell may as well be last year’s Annie Lennox “Sweet Dreams Are Made of This” boardroom dance, except avec leather and sans table, right down to the backbends and the planche. And oooh there’s a fake jewel prop that adds absolutely nothing to the routine. Pervy Spice says Matt looks like he has a broomstick up the arse and tells him to relax and start “feeling it” a little bit more. Cackle Puss cannot give Kourtni a spot on the Hot Tamale Train. Perhaps she can trade that faux gem in for some magic beans, though.

Chelsie H. and Mark: No really,
I’m into deranged ogres

Chelsie tells us her family has issues and seriously, whose doesn’t – don’t you have a better backstory? Mark is from Hawaii and seems a little off, but hey, I’m sure he’ll do great. Mia Michaels is not so sure. Her dance is supposed to be like “what Tim Burton’s wedding would be like.” Mark appropriately flits around like a freak and Chelsie soaks it up. It’s creepy, and they are both on narcotics, but the judges love it because, as they all verbalize, Mia is the poster child for turning WTF into OMG. It’s interesting anyway.

Twitch and Kherington – Broadway

lay off the sauce

Kherington is jailbait, and she has a knack for kicking Twitch in the face a lot. Twitch is funny and grateful to finally be on the big stage. They’re known as “Twitchington.” Cute. They do a Broadway routine, and Kherington is super cute and Twitch does quite well for being hip-hop inclined. Query: Is Twitch keeping it real? Discuss. The decibel level of Cackle Puss keeps increasing with each dance. I wouldn’t be surprised at this point if howling dogs started to find their way into the studio audience. Everyone loves Twitchington.

Comfort and Chris – Jive

tree that can do this, with that

Now, Comfort is keeping it real. Chris is out to prove that he’s got more personality than a tree. Good luck with that. For a jive that’s supposed to be energetic, this just looks slow for some reason. I need a little more bounce, except I fear that Comfort will bounce right out of her bra. Pervy Spice likes her undergarments and offers helpful advice such as, “use your knees to get the bounce down.” Comfort dislocated her shoulder during rehearsals, but she’s down wit it. “I’m a soldier!” Dress-Up Ferret wants to see more chemistry. Word.

Katee and Joshua – Hip-Hop

Could you move your foot, Sasquatch? I’m trying to look up your dress

Jessica has enormous boobs and can’t spell, and unfortunately, I fear, will never be as famous as another Jessica we all know with enormous boobs and limited intellectual capacity. Will has been training with Debbie Allen since he was 16, so Debbie Allen is barred from judging this year. This Will character better be worth a few less “ooohs” and “honeys” from the judging panel, because Debbie Allen was always one of the best guest judges. The staging and flashing lights do not make this song any less boring. Jessica’s face and feet are even distracted by her boobs, or else by the dance, because she is alternating between looks of horror and delight. Cackle Puss is shouting at them and now Jessica is shouting back at her. Cackle Puss shrieks that they’re the couple to beat. Dress-Up Ferret cannot agree, but he calls them “hot like fire” so that Jessica will understand just what he means by “hot.”

Courtney G. and Gev – Disco

on multiple levels

Courtney is a Knicks City Dancer and Gev (pronounced, um, “Gev”) is from Kazakhstan. Very nice, how much? Doriana Sanchez, the choreographer, reminds us in her typical defensive manner, that disco is actually a really hard dance to do. Seriously, people. Like, this is hard. They do some impressive spins and lifts, but again, lots of the same moves from last season’s kick-ass Neil and Sara disco routine. Maybe it’s time for some new choreographers, SYTYCD, although I still say that Napoleon and Tabitha should be on some kind of probationary period. Pervy Spice wants more “boo-gee” and less “Disco Duck.” Dress-Up Ferret is presently deaf from sitting next to Cackle Puss, so he mumbles something about it being good but not the best disco ever. Courtney G. is visibly bummed by the judges’ responses. Suck it up, sweetie. You had to cheer for the New York Knicks. How bad can this be?

I think that Rayven and Jamie and Susie and Marquis should definitely be poised to Dance For Their Lives tonight. The last couple is up for grabs, and I mean that figuratively, just in case Pervy Spice is reading. See you next week.

– By NICOLE HOMEWOOD