JUST who, exactly, is Madonna to be calling New York snoozey in the newest Vanity Fair? It’s “not the exciting place it used to be,” is it?
Strange words, indeed, coming from the woman who sang in her 2005 song “I Love New York,” “I don’t like cities, but I like New York / Other places make me feel like a dork.”
Forget the bad poetics – what could have happened in three years to turn her against us? Wait, we know: Madonna’s gotten old! Is it not the epitome of old to kvetch about how much better things “used to be”? Somebody better tell her that Andy Rooney wants his shtick back.
Sure, New York’s changed in the past 25 years, but so have you – Botox/nip/tuck/dye job/electrolysis notwithstanding.
And not for nothing, but Madonna – who hasn’t lived on this isla bonita for years – wouldn’t know “edge” if it bit her in her nearly 50-year-old keister (which, airbrushing and power yoga aside, it’s time to stop flaunting).
What Madge seems to have forgotten while simplifying kabbalah and honing a fake English accent to replace her fake New York accent, is that it’s OK for New Yorkers to knock our city, but that license is not extended to those who aren’t paying their dues on our streets, subways and in overpriced apartments every day.
And really, if the club scene of Madonna’s day produced the Queen of Pop, who went on to record a dozen No. 1 hits and 20 Top 10 singles, how edgy was it?
It’s worth noting that Madonna’s rise in the early ’80s came when Studio 54 existed in name alone, disco had all but died, and the punk scene headlined by the Ramones and New York Dolls (a k a more exciting times) was expiring, as well.
Madonna’s cultural progeny is the likes of Britney Spears – with whom she performed, recorded and even canoodled. On the edge, to be sure. Edgy? Not so much.
Face it: Madonna was a blond, blue-eyed commercial package delivering watered-down funk and Latin music typically performed by dark-skinned people whose posters would never be tolerated on the walls of girls in Madonna’s Midwestern hometown of Bay City, Mich. Madonna revolutionized dance music much the same way Elvis invented gospel and rock ‘n’ roll.
If Mrs. Ritchie really wants some sizzle, maybe she should sell her Upper West Side apartment and check out properties in Bushwick, Brooklyn – where fashion, music and muggings still come together regularly in a style reminiscent of that cracking ’80s synergy.
Sure, we could do without the Meatpacking District and Times Square, but here are 25 ways in which New York is better than it was 25 years ago – and why we expect the next Madonna will be arriving at Grand Central any minute now.