As we open this week after a hiatus that seemed far too long, the girls are working out so they are in primo shape to make âawesomeâ and âspiritualâ connections with Bret Michaels. Ambre says she needs to step up her game. Schitzy Joe is worried because Bret said at the last elimination that it might be âtoo little, too lateâ for her.
Bret Michaels
After pondering what would be the best course of action here, Schitzy Joe elects to call up her second husband. You know, the one to whom she remains married. She advises this poor boob that she has a really strong connection with Bret and that she wants to go through with the divorce. This is the first weâre hearing that this was not a foregone conclusion. Hubby Joe is confused â Schitzyâs only been away for two weeks and now she wants a divorce? Over the phone? Schitzy Joe tells the camera that this phone call was her way of moving on with her life, because sheâs here for Bret, and she loves Bret. Itâs been two whole weeks. What I want to know is, when does Schitzy Joe take out a restraining order on Bret?
Bret was âreally upsetâ this morning about the drama that he instigated the night before, so he jets out of there in his Ferrari convertible, with only his camera crew to make him feel better.
The girls get their next challenge clue, leading Ambre to make her typical Jack-in-the-Box face. There should be calliope music playing whenever sheâs on screen. Schitzy Joe does not appear happy about the next challenge. She needs to talk to Bret, but of course heâs off tooling around in his douchemobile. Schitzy Joe starts to get emotional, and Ambre tells her to pull it together. This is when Schitzy Joe tells Ambre that earlier that morning she had âreleasedâ her second husband, explaining that she called because âI havenât talked to my ex-husband in like, two, weeks.â Ambre canât believe that wasnât already done and is appropriately aghast. âDoes Bret know this? No f*ing wonder Bret doesnât trust you, know what Iâm saying?â Bret finally comes home to tell the girls that their next challenge is âinsanely awesome.â Theyâre going to make two music videos to two of Bretâs songs. Daisy is elated. âI love music. I love videos. Perfect.â Oh Daisy.
Bret introduces Dean Karr with a thoughtful detail. âThis guy has done everybody.â Deanâs going to help direct the videos. Each team chooses creative director, and the winning creative director gets a solo date with Bret. Jessica, Destiney and Daisy are on a team, withDestiney as creative director. They will make a video to that Bret Michaelsâ masterpiece, âGo That Far,â which conveniently serves as the opening theme song to the show. Jessica is psyched about her teamâs chances because Destiney has âdone music videosâ and Daisy âcan sing.. in her own mind.â
Ambre, Megan and Schitzy Joe are a team, and Megan makes Ambre get on her knees to beg to be creative director. The concept of the video for the ballad âFallenâ is apparently a sad Schitzy Joe lying in bed all day. Megan says, âCrying and lying in bed all day? Not such a hard acting job for Kristy Joe.â Regarding Ambre, Megan says, âShe was hyperventilating and gasping for air. I mean, sheâs an old lady. Iâm not surprised.â Go teamwork!
Elsewhere in the house, Daisy is describing her concept of the video to Destiney, who is less than amused. âWeâre getting ready to go out.. and then we go to the strip club, and weâre having a good time, and then you meet us upstairs and weâre all like whatâs going on and then you give us these outfits and weâre unsure and then we come out and weâre all like decked out but weâre still cuddling and not confident…â
Back over at Team Schitzy, Ambre decides she doesnât need Deanâs help because sheâs getting fantastic shots on her own. But in the end, getting all of the footage into the video is difficult. To make matters worse, thereâs a system failure on the editorâs computer. âThis is so, like, not fair,â says Ambre.
Cut back to Team Skanky, where Daisy continues to talk. âI feel like I have some good ideas… Iâm telling the editor, like, you know, you should keep this and cut there or whatever. I didnât even know we could add Bret in there somehow, which is like, important. And damn, does he look good in our clips.â Wait, is this a rhetorical question? Destiney, in a red feather boa, is annoyed because Daisy is totally monopolizing the editing process. She is the creative director. I mean, she has the red feather boa on and everything.
Timeâs up, and Bret saunters back in to watch these disasters. First we get to see the âFallenâ video. Iâll give you the play-by-play.
(1) Schitzy Joe lying in bed.
(2) Schitzy Joe considers, then rejects, placing a phone call.
(3) Megan and her ass-gobbling bikini bottoms tries to get in bed with Schitzy Joe, but Schitzy Joe rejects her.
(4) Megan calls someone and yells at them, storming off and shaking her head.
(5) Schitzy Joe runs down the stairs with a hopeful look on her face.
(6) Schitzy Joe answers the front door. An unseen person hands her a rose. She smiles.
Blech. Miserable job, ladies. Letâs see what Team Skanky came up with for âGo That Far.â
(1) Wayward schoolgirl Jessica pulls up to whorehouse where Destiney answers the door.
(2) Jessica tries on several skimpy outfits, has her hair and makeup done, licks her finger suggestively. No longer schoolgirl. Now sexpot.
(3) Jessica meets Daisy, who pole dances and makes out with her.
(4) Jessica is given a VIP pass by Destiney and makes out with her.
(5) Destiney leads Jessica into Bretâs room, VIP pass in hand. Closing scene is Jessica on the floor of Bretâs room with an apple.
Well, Ambre, says, that does it. Bret goes for the smut every time. But no! The winner is the âFallenâ video, which is great because Ambre âso neededâ the solo date with Bret, which he says will be âvery cool, very vibe-y.â Schitzy Joe and Megan will get to tag-team Bret on a follow-up date. Destiney is sooooo annoyed that that âstupid skank Kristy Joe has another date with Bret.â
Because she canât help herself, Destiney verbally harasses Schitzy Joe in the kitchen after the competition. âWhy are you still here? Didnât you have your f*ing bags packed? My mind is twisting!â Daisy chimes in with, âHave fun on your date tomorrow,â and then sheâs sobbing, her poor little crooked fingers up near her eyes to protect any wayward mascara slippage.
Bret sets up something âvery coolâ in his bedroom for his date with Ambre. Ding-dong, whoâs there? Oh, thatâs just Satish Dhalakia, an âEastern Master Healer.â Ambre is intrigued. âIâm thinking, threesome? Thatâs interesting.â Thatâs not the word I would have used, but Ambreâs been around the block. Satish explains, âThis is an invitation for you both to become a hallow bamboo.â âIâm a little confused,â says Bret. Satish has to spell it out for him. âYou have known each other since the twelfth century.â Ambre says, âUm, Iâm 32.â
Crazygonuts Schitzy Joe knocks on Bretâs door. Twice. While Satish is talking and master-healing. Bretâs irked. âUnless this is God, or Big John with a beer, I best not be interrupted right now.â Bret opens the door and thereâs Schitzy Joe, who is âvery hot, and very annoying.â He tells her to scram. âIâm going to do something really beautiful for you in a minute.â She smiles and leaves.
Bret goes back to the threesome and says, âSatish, there is someone here in this house whose soul is in turmoil.â He sends Satish up there to visit with Schitzy Joe so she can have her chakras cleaned up. I think thereâs a cream for that, but maybe thatâs just that pesky western medicine getting in the way of spiritual enlightenment. Satish puts it all in perspective for her. âHave you seen a sad tree? Have you seen a frustrated ocean? Have you seen a crazy mountain?â âThanks, Bret,â Schitzy Joe sarcastically remarks.
Back in Bretâs room, with Satish somewhere off with Schitzy Joe, Ambre and Bret are chillinâ on their pillows, whispering sweet nothings and making out. He says she is the best kisser in the house. âIâm feeling very emotionally connected to her right now,â so he asks, âDo you feel like making a porno right now?â Itâs a natural progression.
For whatever reason, after his date with Ambre, Bret feels compelled to spend time with Schitzy Joe. She slips that she finally told Hubby Joe that she wants a divorce. Bret is floored because he thought the divorce was a done deal. The other girls hover outside on the staircase, fuming. âOnce again, sheâs in Bretâs room, workinâ the magic.â Jessica is hysterically sobbing.
The next morning, Big John tosses something on a cushion, and it says something about Megan and Schitzy Joeâs date. Bret takes them to the Shade Hotel in Manhattan Beach for dinner. As though it is the most natural and appropriate thing in the world to do, Megan crawls up on his lap and they make out. Schitzy Joe canât take it and bolts. Bret tells us that âI like Megan a lot, but the problem is that I havenât made a real connection there. But for now, I choose to suck face.â
Schitzy Joe is sulking in the lobby when Bret realizes heâs totally neglected her because heâs been âsucking faceâ with Megan. He brings her back to the table. âI donât like you.â She says. Then they just chew food. A lot. No talking, just chewing. âHow about those Oakland Raiders?â quips good old Schitzy Joe. I feel like we missed something. Back comes Megan. Dateâs over.
Ambre is stalking Schitzy Joe upon her return from her date because Schitzy Joe busted in on Ambreâs date and is generally a mess. âThis is how I deal with my stress,â explains Schitzy Joe. âYouâve been f*ing with Bret, youâve been f*ing with me, itâs never consistent – Iâm sick of it!â She ends with a flourish and a shriek, so sheâs obviously been hanging out with Destiney a little too much. Schitzy Joe tells us that Ambreâs really starting to mess with her head.
Oh goody, its elimination time. Ambre is wearing a tankini-style top with her weird, pasty, lumpy stomach hanging out and then a floor-length skirt. In spite of this fashion gaffe, Ambre gets a pass from Bret because she is unlike anyone heâs ever dated before (read: over the age of 25), and because he wants to have sex with her after knowing her since forever.
Daisy gets the next pass and is asked if she will stay in the house and rock his world. âIâm solidly planning on it… right now.â Sheâs such an urchin.
Jessica has stepped it up and showed a sexy side, so Bret gives her a pass. âThank God, one more day.â Bretâs obviously running out of nice things to say, so he gives Destiney a pass for doing a good job on the video.
Thereâs one more pass left â weâre down to Megan and Schitzy Joe. Bret calls down Schitzy Joe and holds her hand and lets her in on the fact that sheâs an emotional mess. That being said, âthereâs something about you I really care about a lot.â Megan is on the verge of totally fake tears. Bret asks Schitzy Joe whether she wants to stay in the house. She isnât answering. âYou tell me. What do you want to do?â Still no response. Finally, she chokes out, âI just have a lot of stuff to take care of at home.â Bret tries to get her to stay. âAnd I couldnât take care of it with you?â Nope! âI need to go home and take care of my business.â And so ends the ballad of Schitzy Joe.
Bret walks her out to the patio. âMaybe somewhere in the future weâll find each other again.â They hug, and she cries. âI think it was one of the hardest decisions I ever had to make. It definitely scares me to know that he could have been the right person for me and Iâm walking away.â Bret tosses her pass out the door.
Evil Megan is still standing there, classless and passless, wondering if sheâs going to get the boot or will reap the bounty of Schitzy Joeâs breakdown. Despondent Bret says he would love for Megan to stay in the house and then tells the girls to âenjoy the night, alright? Iâm gonna step out.â He later explains, âI was emotionally destroyed. I really had feelings for this girl, and Iâd be lying to say it didnât kill me that she wanted to leave.â Get over it dude. Go snuggle with Big John and everything will be okay in the morning.
The drama does not phase Evil Megan. âEven though Kristy Joe ruined Bretâs mood, and I didnât get my speech and my pass, what I deserved, Iâm just going to move on and focus on me and Bret.â You crazy evil tramp, you were going home! You donât deserve anything but a lifetime supply of Hooked on Phonics cassettes.
So any thoughts on who will win now that Schitzy Joe has gone home to deal with her husbands and her myriad mood disorders? Will it be Daisy, the speech-impaired plasticine imp? Or perhaps Jessica and her bad highlights and curious head tilt? Destiney, the bisexual pouty instigator? Or will it be evil Megan with her seriously annoying voice and catty comments? Maybe Good old Ambre, the leftovers from the first episode, premium face-sucker and moral crusader?
– By NICOLE HOMEWOOD