Kristy Joe ‘Rocks’ The ‘Love’ Boat

As we open this week after a hiatus that seemed far too long, the girls are working out so they are in primo shape to make “awesome” and “spiritual” connections with Bret Michaels. Ambre says she needs to step up her game. Schitzy Joe is worried because Bret said at the last elimination that it might be “too little, too late” for her.

Bret Michaels

After pondering what would be the best course of action here, Schitzy Joe elects to call up her second husband. You know, the one to whom she remains married. She advises this poor boob that she has a really strong connection with Bret and that she wants to go through with the divorce. This is the first we’re hearing that this was not a foregone conclusion. Hubby Joe is confused – Schitzy’s only been away for two weeks and now she wants a divorce? Over the phone? Schitzy Joe tells the camera that this phone call was her way of moving on with her life, because she’s here for Bret, and she loves Bret. It’s been two whole weeks. What I want to know is, when does Schitzy Joe take out a restraining order on Bret?

Bret was “really upset” this morning about the drama that he instigated the night before, so he jets out of there in his Ferrari convertible, with only his camera crew to make him feel better.

The girls get their next challenge clue, leading Ambre to make her typical Jack-in-the-Box face. There should be calliope music playing whenever she’s on screen. Schitzy Joe does not appear happy about the next challenge. She needs to talk to Bret, but of course he’s off tooling around in his douchemobile. Schitzy Joe starts to get emotional, and Ambre tells her to pull it together. This is when Schitzy Joe tells Ambre that earlier that morning she had “released” her second husband, explaining that she called because “I haven’t talked to my ex-husband in like, two, weeks.” Ambre can’t believe that wasn’t already done and is appropriately aghast. “Does Bret know this? No f*ing wonder Bret doesn’t trust you, know what I’m saying?” Bret finally comes home to tell the girls that their next challenge is “insanely awesome.” They’re going to make two music videos to two of Bret’s songs. Daisy is elated. “I love music. I love videos. Perfect.” Oh Daisy.

Bret introduces Dean Karr with a thoughtful detail. “This guy has done everybody.” Dean’s going to help direct the videos. Each team chooses creative director, and the winning creative director gets a solo date with Bret. Jessica, Destiney and Daisy are on a team, withDestiney as creative director. They will make a video to that Bret Michaels’ masterpiece, “Go That Far,” which conveniently serves as the opening theme song to the show. Jessica is psyched about her team’s chances because Destiney has “done music videos” and Daisy “can sing.. in her own mind.”

Ambre, Megan and Schitzy Joe are a team, and Megan makes Ambre get on her knees to beg to be creative director. The concept of the video for the ballad “Fallen” is apparently a sad Schitzy Joe lying in bed all day. Megan says, “Crying and lying in bed all day? Not such a hard acting job for Kristy Joe.” Regarding Ambre, Megan says, “She was hyperventilating and gasping for air. I mean, she’s an old lady. I’m not surprised.” Go teamwork!

Elsewhere in the house, Daisy is describing her concept of the video to Destiney, who is less than amused. “We’re getting ready to go out.. and then we go to the strip club, and we’re having a good time, and then you meet us upstairs and we’re all like what’s going on and then you give us these outfits and we’re unsure and then we come out and we’re all like decked out but we’re still cuddling and not confident…”

Back over at Team Schitzy, Ambre decides she doesn’t need Dean’s help because she’s getting fantastic shots on her own. But in the end, getting all of the footage into the video is difficult. To make matters worse, there’s a system failure on the editor’s computer. “This is so, like, not fair,” says Ambre.

Cut back to Team Skanky, where Daisy continues to talk. “I feel like I have some good ideas… I’m telling the editor, like, you know, you should keep this and cut there or whatever. I didn’t even know we could add Bret in there somehow, which is like, important. And damn, does he look good in our clips.” Wait, is this a rhetorical question? Destiney, in a red feather boa, is annoyed because Daisy is totally monopolizing the editing process. She is the creative director. I mean, she has the red feather boa on and everything.

Time’s up, and Bret saunters back in to watch these disasters. First we get to see the “Fallen” video. I’ll give you the play-by-play.

(1) Schitzy Joe lying in bed.

(2) Schitzy Joe considers, then rejects, placing a phone call.

(3) Megan and her ass-gobbling bikini bottoms tries to get in bed with Schitzy Joe, but Schitzy Joe rejects her.

(4) Megan calls someone and yells at them, storming off and shaking her head.

(5) Schitzy Joe runs down the stairs with a hopeful look on her face.

(6) Schitzy Joe answers the front door. An unseen person hands her a rose. She smiles.

Blech. Miserable job, ladies. Let’s see what Team Skanky came up with for “Go That Far.”

(1) Wayward schoolgirl Jessica pulls up to whorehouse where Destiney answers the door.

(2) Jessica tries on several skimpy outfits, has her hair and makeup done, licks her finger suggestively. No longer schoolgirl. Now sexpot.

(3) Jessica meets Daisy, who pole dances and makes out with her.

(4) Jessica is given a VIP pass by Destiney and makes out with her.

(5) Destiney leads Jessica into Bret’s room, VIP pass in hand. Closing scene is Jessica on the floor of Bret’s room with an apple.

Well, Ambre, says, that does it. Bret goes for the smut every time. But no! The winner is the “Fallen” video, which is great because Ambre “so needed” the solo date with Bret, which he says will be “very cool, very vibe-y.” Schitzy Joe and Megan will get to tag-team Bret on a follow-up date. Destiney is sooooo annoyed that that “stupid skank Kristy Joe has another date with Bret.”

Because she can’t help herself, Destiney verbally harasses Schitzy Joe in the kitchen after the competition. “Why are you still here? Didn’t you have your f*ing bags packed? My mind is twisting!” Daisy chimes in with, “Have fun on your date tomorrow,” and then she’s sobbing, her poor little crooked fingers up near her eyes to protect any wayward mascara slippage.

Bret sets up something “very cool” in his bedroom for his date with Ambre. Ding-dong, who’s there? Oh, that’s just Satish Dhalakia, an “Eastern Master Healer.” Ambre is intrigued. “I’m thinking, threesome? That’s interesting.” That’s not the word I would have used, but Ambre’s been around the block. Satish explains, “This is an invitation for you both to become a hallow bamboo.” “I’m a little confused,” says Bret. Satish has to spell it out for him. “You have known each other since the twelfth century.” Ambre says, “Um, I’m 32.”

Crazygonuts Schitzy Joe knocks on Bret’s door. Twice. While Satish is talking and master-healing. Bret’s irked. “Unless this is God, or Big John with a beer, I best not be interrupted right now.” Bret opens the door and there’s Schitzy Joe, who is “very hot, and very annoying.” He tells her to scram. “I’m going to do something really beautiful for you in a minute.” She smiles and leaves.

Bret goes back to the threesome and says, “Satish, there is someone here in this house whose soul is in turmoil.” He sends Satish up there to visit with Schitzy Joe so she can have her chakras cleaned up. I think there’s a cream for that, but maybe that’s just that pesky western medicine getting in the way of spiritual enlightenment. Satish puts it all in perspective for her. “Have you seen a sad tree? Have you seen a frustrated ocean? Have you seen a crazy mountain?” “Thanks, Bret,” Schitzy Joe sarcastically remarks.

Back in Bret’s room, with Satish somewhere off with Schitzy Joe, Ambre and Bret are chillin’ on their pillows, whispering sweet nothings and making out. He says she is the best kisser in the house. “I’m feeling very emotionally connected to her right now,” so he asks, “Do you feel like making a porno right now?” It’s a natural progression.

For whatever reason, after his date with Ambre, Bret feels compelled to spend time with Schitzy Joe. She slips that she finally told Hubby Joe that she wants a divorce. Bret is floored because he thought the divorce was a done deal. The other girls hover outside on the staircase, fuming. “Once again, she’s in Bret’s room, workin’ the magic.” Jessica is hysterically sobbing.

The next morning, Big John tosses something on a cushion, and it says something about Megan and Schitzy Joe’s date. Bret takes them to the Shade Hotel in Manhattan Beach for dinner. As though it is the most natural and appropriate thing in the world to do, Megan crawls up on his lap and they make out. Schitzy Joe can’t take it and bolts. Bret tells us that “I like Megan a lot, but the problem is that I haven’t made a real connection there. But for now, I choose to suck face.”

Schitzy Joe is sulking in the lobby when Bret realizes he’s totally neglected her because he’s been “sucking face” with Megan. He brings her back to the table. “I don’t like you.” She says. Then they just chew food. A lot. No talking, just chewing. “How about those Oakland Raiders?” quips good old Schitzy Joe. I feel like we missed something. Back comes Megan. Date’s over.

Ambre is stalking Schitzy Joe upon her return from her date because Schitzy Joe busted in on Ambre’s date and is generally a mess. “This is how I deal with my stress,” explains Schitzy Joe. “You’ve been f*ing with Bret, you’ve been f*ing with me, it’s never consistent – I’m sick of it!” She ends with a flourish and a shriek, so she’s obviously been hanging out with Destiney a little too much. Schitzy Joe tells us that Ambre’s really starting to mess with her head.

Oh goody, its elimination time. Ambre is wearing a tankini-style top with her weird, pasty, lumpy stomach hanging out and then a floor-length skirt. In spite of this fashion gaffe, Ambre gets a pass from Bret because she is unlike anyone he’s ever dated before (read: over the age of 25), and because he wants to have sex with her after knowing her since forever.

Daisy gets the next pass and is asked if she will stay in the house and rock his world. “I’m solidly planning on it… right now.” She’s such an urchin.

Jessica has stepped it up and showed a sexy side, so Bret gives her a pass. “Thank God, one more day.” Bret’s obviously running out of nice things to say, so he gives Destiney a pass for doing a good job on the video.

There’s one more pass left – we’re down to Megan and Schitzy Joe. Bret calls down Schitzy Joe and holds her hand and lets her in on the fact that she’s an emotional mess. That being said, “there’s something about you I really care about a lot.” Megan is on the verge of totally fake tears. Bret asks Schitzy Joe whether she wants to stay in the house. She isn’t answering. “You tell me. What do you want to do?” Still no response. Finally, she chokes out, “I just have a lot of stuff to take care of at home.” Bret tries to get her to stay. “And I couldn’t take care of it with you?” Nope! “I need to go home and take care of my business.” And so ends the ballad of Schitzy Joe.

Bret walks her out to the patio. “Maybe somewhere in the future we’ll find each other again.” They hug, and she cries. “I think it was one of the hardest decisions I ever had to make. It definitely scares me to know that he could have been the right person for me and I’m walking away.” Bret tosses her pass out the door.

Evil Megan is still standing there, classless and passless, wondering if she’s going to get the boot or will reap the bounty of Schitzy Joe’s breakdown. Despondent Bret says he would love for Megan to stay in the house and then tells the girls to “enjoy the night, alright? I’m gonna step out.” He later explains, “I was emotionally destroyed. I really had feelings for this girl, and I’d be lying to say it didn’t kill me that she wanted to leave.” Get over it dude. Go snuggle with Big John and everything will be okay in the morning.

The drama does not phase Evil Megan. “Even though Kristy Joe ruined Bret’s mood, and I didn’t get my speech and my pass, what I deserved, I’m just going to move on and focus on me and Bret.” You crazy evil tramp, you were going home! You don’t deserve anything but a lifetime supply of Hooked on Phonics cassettes.

So any thoughts on who will win now that Schitzy Joe has gone home to deal with her husbands and her myriad mood disorders? Will it be Daisy, the speech-impaired plasticine imp? Or perhaps Jessica and her bad highlights and curious head tilt? Destiney, the bisexual pouty instigator? Or will it be evil Megan with her seriously annoying voice and catty comments? Maybe Good old Ambre, the leftovers from the first episode, premium face-sucker and moral crusader?

– By NICOLE HOMEWOOD