LET me be the first one, and maybe the only one, to congratulate Mr. and Mrs.-to-be Tom Cruise.
This is a genuine Hollywood fairy-tale romance: An aging, unglued hunk teams up with an asexual ingenue desperate to get onto the A-list of perky. I, for one, feel a tear coming on.
If you can’t get into this story of passion and extreme publicity, I offer seven reasons you should.
No. 1 – Complexion. Katie was recently photographed with an unfortunate eruption on her face. With enough smooching, she should develop an immunity to Tom and a return to that fresh-scrubbed look.
No. 2 – Put to rest those nasty rumors, Part I. In 2001, Tom found himself in the unenviable position of putting this in a lawsuit: “Tom Cruise is not, and has never been, a homosexual.” It was filed against a male porn star who claimed a fling with the Cruiser. Cruise won the suit.
No. 3 – With religion playing an increasingly minor role in American life, Katie and Tom can reverse the trend – by growing their own Scientologists!
No. 4 – Put to rest nasty rumors, Part II. First wife Mimi Rogers once told “Playboy” that Cruise had considered becoming a monk and rejected sex because “he thought he had to be celibate to maintain the purity of his instrument.” Said Mimi: “My instrument needed tuning.”
No. 5 – Popping the question atop the gloriously rigid Eiffel Tower? I’m not touching that one.
No. 6 – Nuke those rumors, Part III. Not that we asked, and not that we’re unimpressed, but Katie claims to be saving herself for marriage. Mimi, call this girl immediately.
No. 7 – A Cruise-Holmes marriage would prove May-November couplings can be deep and meaningful. Think Michael Jackson.