ART is everywhere this weekend, with the 2004 Whitney Biennial on the East Side, and the sixth annual Armory Show sprawled over two piers along the Hudson.
All told, we’re talking about slightly more than 100 more artists and “collaborative” groups showing their stuff at the Whitney – and about 2,300 of the same jostling for space at the Armory Show, subtitled the International Fair of New Art.
But if new art isn’t your thing, no one needs to know. With the right words and attitude (emphasis on “attitude”), you can fake your way through both shows – and all of Chelsea, for that matter – with the rest of New York’s art snobs.
The biggest trick, it seems, is not to look too enthusiastic – which may not be a problem, come to think of it.
Consider the following:
WHAT TO SAY: Take singular nouns and make them plural. Note “the geometries” of a painting, or make reference to “art histories.”
A good buzz word is “metatextual.” Generally speaking, you can use “meta” as a prefix for just about anything.
WHAT NOT TO SAY: “My cat could do that.”
GOOD NAMES TO DROP: Basel (as in Switzerland), Venice (which has its own biennials), and Documenta (an art fair in Kassel, Germany). Hot art spots, all.
WHAT TO BRING: A copy of ArtForum, The Nation (as opposed to the National Review or Bride magazine – unless, of course, you’re a man), a sketch pad for doodling and a tape recorder for capturing stray musings. (If in doubt, mumble.)
Best accessory of all: a hot date.
WHAT TO WEAR: It’s a no-brainer: black. Turtlenecks work for guys, as do really big, ugly glasses. (Think architect/trendsetter Daniel Libeskind.)
For women, go for cat’s-eye frames, clunky army boots and fatigues. Then again, if you’re especially shapely or, better still, statuesque, flaunt it, baby.
WHERE TO EAT: There’s a Sarabeth’s at the Whitney, but it’s too Stroller-set for the art snob. Try David Burke & Donatella at 61st Street and Lexington; just don’t ask for Versace (it’s a different Donatella).
Hitting the Armory? Good luck. Grab a cab and go drinking at Bungalow 8 or Marquee.
When in Chelsea, proceed directly to Pastis (9 Ninth Ave., at Little West 12th). Order the steak frites. Sneer.
****
The Whitney is at 945 Madison Ave. at 75th Street; the Armory Show is at Piers 90 and 92, 12th Avenue and 50th Street.
How to tell if it’s any good:
Ask yourself:
1. Is the medium clay, pen or paint? (subtract 10 points) Or is it “other” * i.e. elephant dung, blood or SlimFast? (add 15 points)
2. Is it from the Saatchi collection? (add 30 points)
3. Is the artist:
* A straight white male (subtract 10 points)
* Gay (add five)
* Transgendered (add 10)
* In rehab (add 20)
* In prison (add 50)
4. Was the artist ever denied a NEA grant? (add 20 points)
5. If the answer to (4) is Yes, was it for political reasons? (add 10 points)
6. Did Rudy Giuliani ever ban it? (add 40 points)
If your total exceeds 100 points, you’re looking at a masterpiece. Knock it off and try to sell it on Spring Street.