Poor Ben is Lo – because he’s no longer, as of last week anyway, officially classified as a Bennifer. He has, in fact, been declassified into yet another overexposed gambling freak of an actor. And that’s sad.
The Ben-J.Lo breakup/breakdown began with Ben’s mother’s objections to her son’s much-married movie-star fiancée showing up at their Massachusetts home with a personal entourage in tow (hey – you never know when your fiancé’s family will kidnap you, or when you’ll need a haircut during dinner) and ended last week with Ben’s allergic reaction to commitment.
Tragically, the man is a classic, undiagnosed commitment-phobe, while his ex, J.Lo, has exactly the opposite but equally tragic malady – marriage mania. She’s never met a man she didn’t marry – or want to. Not to be mean, but really, the woman’s been married more than most women have been manicured.
The most tragic aspect of this on-again-off-again-on-again-who-cares-again love story, however, is that we won’t have the Bennifers to kick around anymore. Well, not this week anyway. But don’t take it too hard – after all, there’s always the Bradifers.
FULL-COURT DRESS IS MARTHA’S RIGHT
What’s an arbiter of style to do when indicted? According to the press, she should dress like a big nun for her big day in court – that’s what.
Yes, now Martha Stewart, a self-made billionaire, is being criticized for dressing like a million bucks! Do they think she should wear a homemade housedress and carry a cheap tote bag from the knockoff king in Chinatown? (The guy the rest of us buy from?)
The fact that Martha is the only female defendant in history who refuses to be dressed by her lawyers is exactly right if you ask me. I mean, have you ever gotten a load of most female defendants?
Somehow, when they get pinched they’re wearing leather bras, but when they show up in court they’re decked out in full Mother Teresa.
I swear there’s a secret catalog that only sells female defendant clothes – a J. Crew for prison crews – because, really, who but Judge Judy and female serial murderers wear lace collars in court? And these outfits end up looking as believable as Pamela Anderson’s second set of breasts.
PETA STOOPS TO MALIGN
From the Page Six PETA files: Last week they reported that PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) was having a cow over the fact that their controversial, not to mention sexist, commercial was turned down for airing during the Super Bowl.
Not for nuthin’ No. 1: The ads on the Bowl go for $4.2 or so mil a minute! You know how many yaks you can rescue from the yak-packing plant with that kind of coin? PETA says it’s no problem since sponsors literally line up to pay out long money for those ads.
Not for nuthin’ No. 2: Sure, it’s good to protect the lobsters, but you should be protecting women while you do it. PETA’s rejected commercial shows two sexed-up women dragging a pizza-delivery boy behind a couch. When he can’t perform sexually, they whine, “What happened to the extra sausage?” He probably had to sell it to buy an ad on the Super Bowl.
Not for nuthin’ No. 3: Making women act like feral pigs in an ad is swinish enough, but doing so during a gigantic sporting event (there’s evidence that there are more violent acts committed against women after sporting events than at other times) is downright bestial. I mean, you wouldn’t do that to a dog. Would you?
PETA man Dan Mathews said, “The networks won’t show cruelty ads or anything that upsets people, so we’ve had to stoop to sexuality.” They stoop to conquer?
THE SKINNY ON MAYOR’S MOUTH
In a bizarre attempt to be one of the guys, Mayor Bloomberg, who is not one of the guys, slipped last week while chowing down on pasta in a firehouse.
“Atkins is dead,” Mayor Diplomacy said of the late diet doctor Robert Atkins, who died after he slipped on ice and cracked his head last year. “I don’t believe in that bulls- – – that [Atkins] dropped dead slipping on the sidewalk. Yeah, right!” The guy’s a regular laugh riot!
When Atkins’ widow complained on TV about the sour taste the mayor’s remarks left in her mouth, Bloombucks suggested that she “lighten up.” Get it? Good! Maybe he can next bring his dead-guy accident jokes to a hit-and-run funeral near you.