IN the dog days of August, restaurants go the extra mile to stir the foodie press and drum up business.
Sure, we’re thrilled over the latest fusion menus and chefs’ ego trips.
But peer behind the farfetched claims and goofy grammar, and you’ll find some genuine truths about the ever-entertaining dining scene.
Here, in boldface excerpts from actual promotional material, are an even dozen stabs at whipping up excitement during these waning days of summer – and our takes on them.
1. “industry (food): In the East Village, a tribute to the people of the ‘creative’ industries.”
Maybe industry (food) – yes, that’s the name of the restaurant – will inspire creative punctuation of other places that could really use it. How about:
Alain Duca$$e
Shun Lee: Palace?
Blue S%$&!
2. “Olive oil replaces butter and vegetable fats exclusively in Bay Leaf’s Indian menu, with lighter, tastier, healthier results.”
Golly, no ghee! Is this the first step toward Tuscan-Goan fusion?
The obsession with “healthy” cooking is a howler. Has there ever been such hypocrisy? For a houseful of flesh-destroying tattoos and infection-breeding nose and lip rings, look no farther than the nearest vegetarian/macrobiotic joint.
3. “Ben Benson believes in putting his money where his mouth is … Ben B’s serves only USDA prime/dry-aged beef.”
We trust you, Mr. B. But every major New York steakhouse makes exactly the same claim. Isn’t it curious that meat industry people say there isn’t enough genuine USDA prime beef in the country to stock them all?
4. “Michael Schenk Breathes New Life Into Menu at Oceana.”
We’re glad to hear it, but a little puzzled, too.
For years, the Oceana people put out hourly updates on every latest wondrous creation by former chef Rick Moonen. Now they make it sound like the joint was actually gasping for air. Were they kidding us all along?
And speaking of Rick Moonen …
5. “Rick Moonen opens Branzini restaurant at the Library Hotel.”
I’ll be darned. I thought he was opening his own restaurant, RM, at the old Lure site next month.
He must be one fast-moving guy, able to launch two places at once. Do chefs actually cook any more?
6. “Alfama introduces regional gastronomic weeks.”
Just think, the cuisine of a different region of pint-sized Portugal highlighted the third week of each month, starting with the Algarve in September, through Beira Litoral in January, “and so forth, until the full circle is complete again.”
Set your Palm Pilot now.
7. “Rustic Chateau introduces new look and life to the space formerly Moomba, with barn-wood walls, unfinished beams and deer-antler chandeliers.”
Forest imagery recalls the “look and life” of Wagnerian opera or early Adolf Hitler footage.
We’ve seen enough of this at Butter. Perfect for the Jaegermeister crowd.
8. “Inagiku extends the boundaries of Japanese cuisine.”
We are promised clams “casino” made with uni, among other breakthrough cross-cultural dishes.
Culinary imperialism looms as well downtown, where …
9. “Danube begins a culinary ‘secession’ movement: New menu, new look and new prices for TriBeCa’s temple to Klimt.”
Asian influences are threatened. Can even David Bouley make yuzu work with wiener schnitzel?
10. “Scheduled to open Oct. 1, Aix has set the Upper West Side abuzz.”
A spot check found streets calm.
In any event, we hope Didier Virot’s new place enjoys a less ignominious fate than his last: The closing of Virot in the Dylan Hotel paved the way for Britney Spears’ Nyla.
There goes the neighborhood.
11. “Citarella the Restaurant announces the arrival of a new executive chef.”
It’s about time: Amazing how many restaurants we’ve panned as under-performing (like Citarella and Moda) or plain lousy (like Thom and Suba) have gotten new chefs since then.
And does anybody know who’s in the kitchen at Nyla?
12. “Cumin, hibiscus, calendula, quince puree, wild leek! Peculiar cocktail ingredients that explode with flavor and excite your palate.”
Pico’s “cocktailer” Eben Klemm “received a Bachelor of Science degree in evolutionary biology.”
This news release came with a packet of the spice cumin, used in a gruesome-sounding drink made with cachaca, cucumber and kumquats. It’s called a Cujo.
Is Klemm a pseudonym for Stephen King? And can I get rabies from this thing?