THERE’S no sex — real or even computer-generated — in “Virtual Sexuality,” a clueless British teen comedy that’s unaccountably stopping briefly in theaters en route to the video racks.
Justine (Laura Fraser, who resembles a younger, prettier Kristin Scott Thomas) is a London high school girl eager to lose her virginity to a “Mr. Right Bloke.”
An accident in a makeover booth at a computer fair turns her into her dream guy (Rupert Penry-Jones), a blond airhead. Justine’s new male persona, Jake, and the movie in general share an obsession with a certain part of the male anatomy, which goes on view in the boys’ locker room thanks to a few quick full-frontal shots.
This barely tolerable comic conceit turns ridiculous when Justine turns up in female form as well — and develops a roaring crush on Jake. He’s understandably skittish about deflowering his female self, not to mention being confused by his feelings for a man-trap named Hoover.
Mightily baffled by this all — an emotion audiences will no doubt share — is Justine/Jake’s nerdy best friend, Chas (Luke De Lacy), whose parents cheerfully tolerate his bunking with a teenage boy who minces around in a pink bathrobe and keeps asking to see his “willie” to compare sizes.
Will Justine give it up (off screen, of course) to Jake, Chas or a hunky but boorish soccer player? The answer is a no-brainer, just like this movie.
In addition to a cast that appears to be a decade too old for their roles, “Virtual Sexuality” presents such a thicket of accents and British slang that subtitles wouldn’t hurt.