Like Rupert Murdoch, my fiancé wants his ex at our wedding

Wedding planner and venue owner Alison Rios McCrone helps solve your dilemmas, this time helping a groom whose fiancé wants his ex at their nuptials, just like Rupert Murdoch had at his wedding this weekend.

Dear Alison, 

My partner and I are figuring out our invite list for our wedding next year, which was going pretty smoothly – until he said he wanted to invite his ex-boyfriend. 

My fiancé and his ex were together for five years, a decade ago. They’re friendly now but it’s not like they’re the best of friends, more that they see each other at parties every couple of months. 

They broke up amicably (ironically because my boyfriend wasn’t ready to settle down) and I’ve met his ex, and he is really nice. But it just feels odd to me. 

When I suggested my fiancé not invite his ex, he argued that it would look weird not to, given that we’re inviting the rest of his social circle. We’re going big – around 200 people – so it’s not like we need to cut down for space reasons..

I see my partner’s point but I also don’t think we should be having exes at our wedding. 

How do I get him to see my point of view?

Thanks,

Marcus 

Dear Marcus

Weddings can bring up unexpected and sensitive issues, and guest lists are often a big part of that, so it’s understandable that you feel uncomfortable having your fiancé’s ex there on your big day.

While, as you say, your fiancé does seem to have a genuine, amicable relationship with his ex, your feelings of unease are entirely valid. This is a special day for you both, and it is essential that you both feel happy and comfortable with the plans.  

By communicating your feelings openly, you may be able to find a compromise that respects your comfort as well as the social dynamics of your friendship groups.

Here are a few suggestions to help you approach a discussion with your partner.

When you bring up the topic, express how you feel about your partner’s ex without placing any blame. You mentioned that you do like his ex, so this might be a good starting point, and that your discomfort simply comes from having him at the wedding.

It will also be helpful to show you understand your partner’s viewpoint. Acknowledge that he wants to show consideration for your combined social circles, and that excluding the ex might indeed stand out and disrupt social harmony.

Remember, too, that they were together over 10 years ago and that life moves on, situations change and that a lot of time has passed. Their relationship is more of a casual acquaintance now.

As a compromise, could his ex be invited to the reception or evening only?  Or could your partner ensure his ex is not seated too closely to you at the meal, or involved in intimate parts of the celebration? Setting your own boundaries about when and how the ex attends may be enough to make you feel OK with the situation.

I would also encourage you to consider the bigger picture about how one guest would impact your enjoyment of the day. With a guest list of 200 guests, they would likely not be such a distraction. And hopefully you will have plenty of your own close family and friends around you to make you feel comfortable.

A conversation focusing on mutual respect and understanding will likely lead to a solution that works for both you and your partner. 

Wishing you a wonderful wedding day.

Best wishes

Alison

Do you have a story you’d like to share? Get in touch by emailing jess.austin@metro.co.uk. 

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