You're The Worst recap: The Sweater People

Welcome back to You’re The Worst, where the party don’t stop when you move in with your boyfriend, especially if you’re both emotionally damaged, fun-addicted Angelenos with poor judgment, a diet consisting of margaritas and Bagel Bites, and an affinity for cocaine and mystery pills from strangers.

After a first season that introduced fans to the horribly charming Gretchen Cutler (Aya Cash) and Jimmy Shive-Overly (Chris Geere), FXX’s critical delight is back to show what a hangover really feels like when you fall in love with someone who enjoys wrecking stuff, relationships, and themselves as much as you do.

Season 2 finds Gretchen and Jimmy living together in Jimmy’s house after they burned down her apartment with a vibrator mishap, but before we get into the season premiere, “The Sweater People,” let us introduce the Worstie Rankings, where we’ll detail who was the worst. Each week we’ll dive into who did what to whom, who came out unscathed, and who looked like an okay member of society compared to these delightful messes.

Ready? Maybe we need a shot of clear liquid first. Yup, that works. Let’s do this.

4. Nope, not the worst. Far from it! In fact… least worst: Edgar

Poor Edgar. Jimmy’s roommate, the army vet with PTSD, finally has a steady job at a gym and just wants to have a night of peace and quiet every once in a while. No can do with Gretchen and Jimmy partying until 5 a.m. and rejecting his weeknight curfew suggestion. (They also reject his breakfast lasagna.)

In an attempt to seduce Lindsay with kindness, he brings the lasagna to her house and helps her de-Paul the garage. Together, they throw out his beer and his model airplanes, and Edgar thinks he really has a shot at love with Gretchen’s best friend. (He doesn’t.) It’s a sad week for this sap, but he’s an all-around good guy, nowhere near No. 1 on this list.

3. Eh, not great, but could be worse: Gretchen

Things are kinda-sorta-okay for Gretchen when she moves into Jimmy’s house, but the couple is still trying to figure out what’s normal when most of their relationship in season 1 consisted of partying and toying with each other’s emotions. But here they are, and they’ll stop at nothing to renounce the world of “sweater people,” where couples get boring and life gets lame.

After a pep talk from Lindsay, who, when Gretchen says she needs a night in, responds with this excellent jab: “You can’t stop. Were you born yesterday? Did you slither out of your mother’s cooch yesterday, Gretchen? Are you a little born-yesterday diaper face?” she decides to go home and do “butt stuff.” (Yes, that was Lindsay’s suggestion, too: “You go home tonight and you dress up real slutty and you do butt stuff with your boyfriend for all of us who let love die by becoming ordinary. Do it for the sweater people.”)

She does all the “stuff,” and after Jimmy introduces a “whole mess of cocaine” into the mix — more on that soon — they wind up stealing a DVD rental machine, trashing their apartment, and waking up in the living room with bloody noses.

It’s not a great look for Gretchen because she actually has a steady job! A novel concept on this show, really. She wakes up late and her rapper client, Sam, gives her a new phone because hers doesn’t get reception at Jimmy’s place. “Sleepy bitches lose their right to use normal people phones,” Sam, played by the hilariously timed Brandon Mychal Smith, screams. “Sleepy bitches only get to use phones made for hookers and drug addicts, and irresponsible garbage people.”

Gretchen only nabs the No. 3 spot in the Worstie rankings because she still has a job, and let’s be real, illegal drugs < "butt stuff."

2. Oof. It gets worse: Jimmy

Which brings us to Jimmy, who also got a nudge from Edgar, who warned him against melting into the land of the sweater people. Hence the cocaine. After Gretchen realizes she really does need a new phone, she decides to get on Jimmy’s family phone plan. But once they get to the store and hear about the boring stability that occurs when you merge lives (and cell phone bills), he and Gretchen wind up at a bar. Five shots and ribbing from a younger group of partiers later, they’ve taken synthetic Belgian drugs used to chemically sterilize horses and wake up in the woods with a Google Earth-like car from Zoiddle used to take photos for geolocations programs.

Though the pills were Gretchen’s initial idea — “I was doing drugs since I was 9. Eat s—, haters!” — we’re deeming Jimmy worse because of the drugs, yes, but also because of the rolling credits scene, which shows what happens when Jimmy and Gretchen try to have a chill night in. They get into bed, he turns on his head lamp, she’s ready to fall asleep, and they kiss good night. But, psych! No way can they do that. Instead they head to the bar, “stick to clear liquids,” and wind up at a convenience store with their Zoiddle-mobile. Someone drives away with the car, Jimmy stumbles after it, throws food in its direction, beats up the driver, and steals the car. Second worst, indeed.

1. Absolute, hands-down, no-questions-asked worst: Lindsay

Lindsay, played by the refreshingly brash Kether Donohue, is the obvious worst in this season’s opener. Newly separated from Paul, she’s coping with singledom, loving her “sprawl,” and given the best one-liners (“I’m assing everything”). But whatever independence she’s trying to project is thrown when Paul comes to the house. She beds him, talks of plans to go through with their divorce to get remarried and register for more wedding presents, and freezes his sperm for a later date. Well done, Lindsay. You’re the worst.