New Girl recap: 'Backslide'

As we learned in the series opener, Jess doesn’t deal well with break-ups. Only, instead of watching Dirty Dancing 937 times in a row, this time she listened repeatedly to Joni Mitchell’s “River.” Suffice it to say, the roommates had very little sympathy 18 hours of proto-emo later. Or, as Winston put it, “I liked it when you played it for the first time at 10 o’clock last night. I liked it a little bit less at 2 a.m., and now I’m kind of hoping that the sun comes up, thaws that river, and that woman drowns.” Nick and Caroline even made up a clapping and booty-popping dance mocking Jess’s despair. On the bright side, their smug crap finally got Jess off the floor and out of the house.

She went straight to the bar, where Schmidt was the Designated Backslide Blocker, confiscating Jess’s bunny-eared iPhone so she wouldn’t call Russell. Soon enough, he was distracted by Cece, who was in a bulky hoodie and a knit cap — “like a women’s studies major” — so as not to arouse him (more on that later). Jess swiped her phone and snuck off to call her ex. But not the ex you’re thinking. She actually called on the long-lost Paul Gunslinger (Justin Long), or as Schmidt and Winston know him: Mercedes Genz, Genzel Washington, and It’s the Genz of the World As We Know It. Paul brushed off the gentle ribbing and (am I wrong?) kind of got a little racist when he called Winston “Washington.” And so, with a possible slur and an excruciatingly awkward hug, Paul was gone.

Schmidt was also occupying himself by running interference on Nick’s reunion with Caroline. Not very well, mind you. Nick had convinced himself that their timing had simply been off and that he and Caroline could work through the “mental, physical, and emotional abuse” this time. If nothing else, said Nick, “Caroline is way hotter than that voice in my head that sounds like Tom Waits and tells me I’m a failure and that I look bad in hats.” The next day, he even seriously considered moving in with Caroline, who was in the market for a new apartment.

When the guys heard this, they enacted some sort of secret signal that must have been established on a drunken bender. While cuckawing to each other like psychotic birds, Winston held Nick down and Schmidt retrieved a DVD they had hidden away the last time Caroline dumped Nick. They full-on Clockwork Orange‘d Nick to force him to watch himself wallowing in his own despair, muttering disconsolately (see dotables), looking like Charles Manson and the Unabomber’s illegitimate child while wearing the exact same hoodie (only, ironically, with less stains), and drinking nearly as much as one would during an average game of True American.

NEXT: Schmidt, Paul, and Nick step up the commitment, for better or worse

The final prong of Operation: Don’t Break Schmidt’s Wang was a trip to the nursing home to see Cece’s grandma, who raised her. Schmidt tagged along because he figured he couldn’t possibly get turned on in the presence of all those geriatrics. (“They’re like the human version of pleated pants. Like giant walking raisins!”) This unfounded for at least two reasons: 1.) This is Schmidt and 2.) Old-timers actually have lots of sex. To wit, Cece’s grandma asked off the bat for a “hot-blooded man and a hotel room.” That wasn’t the only reason she was awesome, though. She also told Schmidt when Cece stepped away, “If you hurt her, I will let myself die, and I will haunt you.”

After the mild threats, Schmidt let the Yoda-like codgers drop some knowledge on him. For example, how do you build a relationship? Viagra, one old man, “I use it just to keep from falling out of bed.” On a more serious note, Schmidt wanted to know how to make his relationship with Cece last. His earnestness was not lost on Cece’s grandma, who gave Schmidt her blessing. Overhearing her grandma’s praise, Cece finally admitted she wanted to be with Schmidt for real. He said he felt the same and then passed out from the pain induced by his commitment hard-on.

Elsewhere, Winston was smugging it up about his perfect life, including an invitation to play poker with his boss. Poker turned into impromptu ear piercing, which gave the roommates all the ammo they needed (read: a rotating array of horrible earrings) to take Winston down a peg(leg) — see the dotables. On the upside, Winston nearly tore out the stupid peacock earring (a particular favorite of mine) in the struggle to force Nick to watch his cautionary DVD. That piercing is not long for this world.

Back to Jess and her ex. It turned out that, not unlike Rachel with Russ, Paul had moved on… to Jess’s Asian dorkelgänger. Unfortunately, Jess only found that out after sleeping with Paul. On her first meeting with the spurned woman, when Paul was crying about being a cheater, Jess lied that he was upset because she had just explained the electoral college to him (“So votes don’t mean as much…?” — “It upsets me, too!”) The next time, Paul had been fully paralyzed by remorse and anxiety. Jess somehow managed to turn the fractured couple’s mutual ugly-cry jag into a joyful occasion by basically proposing to Jen (of course that’s her name) on Paul’s behalf. As luck would have it, a tween student had wandered in to overhear everything and play “Here Comes the Bride” on his recorder. Because otherwise that would have been so awkward!

Emboldened by Paul and Jen’s ability to overcome almost anything because of their love, Jess marched home to tell Nick that relationships shouldn’t be so complicated and that he should leave Caroline if he only wanted to be with her to stave off loneliness and silence his insecurities. Even though she was essentially slapping him in the face, this speech came from a good place. She promised to be there for Nick and even did a Tom Waits voice (much better than her Daffy Duck impression) to say, “We don’t have to settle, Nick. You’re the best!” But it was too late. Nick had already signed the lease.

NEXT: The way to a man’s heart is through his broken penis

Notable dotables:

Schmidt: Know this, you’re not the only one that’s hurting here, Jessica Day. The economy stinks, bees are dying, movies are pretty much all sequels now, and I–

Jess: Don’t say “broken penis.”

Schmidt: …have a broken penis. Don’t pretend you know my pain!

Jess: I’m going to end up alone. I’m going to be a single, old lady flashing people on the subway.

Schmidt: Jess, you’re never going to be old because humans, we’re going to be immortal by 2026.

Jess: Schmidt, I actually need my phone back. I need to call Russell to just tell him I left my pajamas there.

Schmidt: The fact that you were wearing pajamas in the presence of your lover tells me that that relationship was doomed from the start.

Winston: I got kind of drunk last night with Joe and got my ear pierced. You know, traditionally the male of the species is more glamorous.

Schmidt: When’s it coming out, by the way?

Winston: The earring?

Schmidt: No, no. The smooth jazz album you’re dropping.

More imagery inspired by Winston’s earring

Huge diamond stud, Schmidt: “Take it easy on him, he just came back from Carnaval.”

Gold hoop, Schmidt: “I’m going to miss you, Winston. I’m going to miss you when your caravan moves on to the next village.”

Gold hoop, Jess: “Take it easy, black George Michael.”

Peacock feather, Nick: “How’d the audition go? For the Disney pirate movie?

Peacock feather, Nick again: “Hey, Mr. T called. He wants to punch you because that earring looks stupid.”

Peacock feather, Nick responding to Winston’s claim that Lil Wayne wears a feather: “Oh, Lil Wayne Gonzalez, who came from Brazil and just wants to dance and be free?”

Peacock feather, Schmidt: Captain Black Sparrow

Peacock feather, Schmidt again: “You look like you were caught by a fly fisherman.”

Peacock feather, yet more Schmidt: “You look like you should be standing in line to get into Shaquille O’Neal’s birthday party.”

Jess: You cheated on her with me?

Paul: Is that bad? That’s bad.

Jess: It’s really bad.

Paul: It’s really bad! [Starts to ugly-cry]

Jess: Why would you do that?

Paul: Now I know what Bill Clinton feels like.

Jess: Yeah, well, now I know how Monica Lewinsky feels!

Paul: I’m sorry I made you feel like Monica Lewinsky!

Things that trigger Schmidt’s “knotted wizard staff”

• Cece “dressed like a women’s studies major” (that plan backfired!)
• Mama birds and their eggs
• Asian Jess
• Emotional intimacy

Nick Miller’s DVD note to his future self

“Hello, Nick, you magnificent dumbass. You decided to get back with Caroline? Well congratulations, you idiot. She destroyed you. [Pulls out a jar holding a clear liquid] These, my dumb friend, are your tears. You saved them all. Think back, Nick — or whatever they call you in your times. Who dumped you three times? Once before your brother’s wedding! This is the poem you wrote about Caroline: ‘Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? No, a summer’s day is not a bitch.’ Look at how far you’ve come. Want to be a bartender forever, pal? You want to be a grown man who dresses like an unsponsored professional skateboarder? You don’t want to live like this. You’re movin’ on! [Double barrels Jack and beer] Hey, what’s the different between me and Bill Cosby? [does Cosby jazz hands]”

And later… “Now that I’ve got your attention, Future Nick, there are few things I’d like to talk to you about: Be nicer to your mom when she calls. Stop giving yourself high fives. Put your head under water, you 2-year-old! Be nicer to Coach or he’s going to take off… live with a bunch of other white people. … I know karate! … I’m Nick, I’m grumpy, I’m going to put my baby hood on! Sex is a sprint, not a marathon. [singing] You are special, you are special! [abruptly stops to look around] We’ll see each other in the future.”

Paul: Jess and I slept together!

Jess: Oh God.

Paul: I want to be completely honest with you. It happened two days, and we did lots of stuff. There was talking, and there were hands… and I think we ruined a throw pillow!

Jess: He’s making it sound a lot more erotic than it was.

Only one more episode left this season, Newbies! Was the return of Paul Gunslinger what you hoped it would be? Did you love Cece’s sassy grandma? Might Schmidt’s disorder down there be the season’s biggest cliffhanger? Are you placing bets on and/or writing fan fiction about what will break up Nick and Caroline by the end of the finale?