150 random celebrities, painstakingly sorted into Hogwarts houses

On July 8, J.K. Rowling released a short, short story about grown-up Harry Potter and the Sequel She Swore She'd Never Write, and over in the magical land of central Florida, the Harry Potter theme park's Diagon Alley expansion is entertaining six-hour lines on opening day. So apparently, it's Harry Potter day, and to celebrate this completely random occasion, I've decided to do something equally arbitrary and sort a bunch of celebrities into the four houses of Hogwarts. Why? Art needs no reason.

First, the criteria. The Hogwarts houses are divided based on traits: Slytherins are cunning, ambitious, and resourceful. They are not evil, just misunderstood—they are perhaps just as likely to be watching Real Housewives as they are flocking to a Dark Mark. Hufflepuffs are hard-working, patient, loyal, and seem generally pleasant to be around; they are the kind of people you would invite to a barbecue and not have to worry about entertaining. Ravenclaws are intelligent, witty, and just overall smarter than you—and they will likely make sure you are aware of that. And Gryffindors are Gryffindors. There's an unplaceable mystique with these paragons of society. Everyone wants to be a Gryffindor. Typically, if someone says, "I'm such a Gryffindor," they're really a Hufflepuff.

Also, it's worth mentioning that only a small portion of the stars on this list would ever reach superstardom in the world of Harry Potter. Wizards are really into things like musicians and athletes and, weirdly enough, historians. Actors aren't really a thing. Eschewing a Walk of Fame, wizard A-listers know they've made it when they're featured on the back of a Chocolate Frog Card, likely because they either invented or killed something. And so, fame would elude most of this list, unless Meryl Streep has a secret background in slaying feral Hippogriffs (which is likely).

Using the power of imagination and a deep well of fully formed opinions about celebrities I've never met, I have chosen to act on my prejudices and make the painful decisions you didn't know you needed made for you. Thus, here is a list of 150 celebrities and their unequivocal, indisputable placement in Hogwarts houses.

SLYTHERIN

Kris Jenner

Michael Cera

Pitbull

Rachael Ray

Bert from Sesame Street

Jeremy Renner

Macklemore

Catherine Zeta-Jones

Dave Franco

Jaden Smith

Charlie Sheen

Kristen Stewart

Vin Diesel

Kate Mara

Shailene Woodley

Alec Baldwin

David Schwimmer

Gaston from Beauty and the Beast

Jennifer Garner

Jason Biggs

Orlando Bloom

Robin Thicke

Matt Lauer

Anne Hathaway

Adam Sandler

Victoria Beckham

Willem Dafoe

Lea Michele

Idina Menzel

Hulk Hogan

Phil McGraw

Mario Lopez

Ethan Hawke

Betty White

Seth MacFarlane

Solange Knowles

Joe Jonas

HUFFLEPUFF

Josh Hutcherson

Tom Hanks

Jimmy Fallon

Helen Mirren

Ernie from Sesame Street

Kristin Chenoweth

Emma Thompson

Jason Bateman

Katy Perry

Mindy Kaling

Sarah Jessica Parker

Sigourney Weaver

Ansel Elgort

Jack Black

Zach Galifianakis

Octavia Spencer

Alicia Silverstone

Zooey Deschanel

Leonardo DiCaprio

Ty Burrell

Carson Daly

Ron Howard

Maggie Gyllenhaal

Pocahontas (original)

Pocahontas (Disney)

Ben Affleck

Halle Berry

Ariana Grande

Queen Latifah

Paul Rudd

Jimmy Kimmel

Melissa McCarthy

Tyra Banks in Life Size

Bob Marley

Drew Barrymore

Katie Holmes

Judy Greer

Carrie Underwood

Kevin Jonas

RAVENCLAW

Barbra Streisand

Vince Vaughn

Lorde

Niall Horan

Scarlett Johansson

Al Pacino

Robert Downey Jr.

Harriet the Spy

Sandra Bullock

Natasha Lyonne

Oprah Winfrey

Patton Oswalt

Jude Law

Ryan Seacrest

Taylor Swift

B.J. Novak

Ashton Kutcher

Jim Parsons

Channing Tatum

Diane Keaton

John Legend

Tina Fey

Adam Brody

Natalie Portman

Andy Serkis

Anna Kendrick

Christoph Waltz

Ben Stiller

Leah Remini

Zach Braff

Bryan Cranston

Lisa Kudrow

Stephen Colbert

Stefani Germanotta

George Clooney

Angelina Jolie

Morgan Freeman

Peter Dinklage

GRYFFINDOR

Jane Fonda

Julia Louis-Dreyfus

Rachel Bilson

Matt Damon

Pink

Jay Z

Wes Anderson

Julia Roberts

Tim Curry

Bruce Springsteen

Jessica Chastain

Elton John

Judd Apatow

Serena Williams

Simon Cowell

Meryl Streep

Samuel L. Jackson

Emma Stone

Tom Hiddleston

Aaron Paul

Kate Winslet

Tommy Lee Jones

Sting

Keira Knightley

Viola Davis

Celine Dion

Ian McKellen

Sean Combs

Jennifer Lawrence

Jon Stewart

Sara Bareilles

Adele

Wolfgang Puck

Sally Field

Andrew Garfield

Nick Jonas

HEADMISTRESS

Tilda Swinton