'New Girl': Abby and Schmidt, Jess and Nick become live-in lovahs

We had two returns to celebrate tonight, Newbies! First (and most importantly) FURGUSON! Oh yeah, and a financially ruined Schmidt is moving back into the loft. Also, Abby’s moving out. So much has changed, so much has stayed the same…

Picking up a week after “Sister II,” Tuesday’s episode saw Abby and Schmidt in coital bliss at a stomach-turning group brunch. Watching her sister lick syrup off Schmidt’s face triggered Jess’s competitive side (“Remember how long it took you took to get boobs?” — “Yeah, but I started shaving my legs at nine, so… joke’s on you!”). Alas, Jess’s attempts to help Nick with a face full o’ powdered sugar backfired, as he greedily accused her of trying to steal his French toast. (Ha!) Long story short, Jess convinced Nick to officially move in together when he couldn’t think of a single reason why not to. (Flash forward to maybe an hour later when he’d thought of 14, minimum.)

On their first night together, Jess and Nick discovered the kind of secrets only live-in couples know about each other. For starters, Nick wears a nightgown. He calls it a “long shirt,” but it’s a straight-up nightgown that “keeps [his] top really warm and lets [his] bottom breathe.” (Why does his bottom need to breathe? Because “it’s like a plant — it needs sun and air to survive.”) Nick also had some truly gnarly feet. That said, things weren’t much better for Mr. Miller, who was blinded by Jess’s reading light and immediately suffocated by her presence.

Just as things were about to reach a breaking(-up) point, Jess learned that Abby and Schmidt had a vacant hotel room through the next day. Abby suggested Jess take Nick there to go get their freak on and, as gross as it was to take refuge in her sister’s den of sin, Jess was desperate. Only, she didn’t invite Nick. She lied that she had to chaperone a school trip to Sacramento before fleeing the apartment. Cut to later that night: If anyone remembers Jess home alone in “Cooler,” you can trust that the resulting shenanigans were similarly adorkable.

The next morning, Winston caught Jess… well… whatever the hotel-robe equivalent of red-handed is. Jess hoped she could get off scot-free, but Winston is turning out to be the worst investigator ever because he told Nick everything. The lovebirds had an argument, Jess went to the bar for a little day drinking, and Abby showed up. In affirming Jess’s relationship, she had a self-realization (more on that in a bit). Jess returned to the loft, where she and Nick acknowledged they’d moved too quickly. The whole conversation was impressively adult as they decided to keep their separate rooms (though Nick totally made an attempt to move into Jess’s because it’s bigger).

And everything was right again… until Schmidt showed up and told them he’d lost everything by renting a retail space for Abby — did I mention she had started a handcrafted line of hideous (and actually dangerous) jewelry? Anyone who knows Abby wouldn’t be surprised to find out that was a losing proposition, and so Schmidt had to break the lease on his loft across the hall and move back in. He asked Jess and Nick if he could occupy Jess’s room and, before they could object, reminded them the request was actually just a formality since his name was on the lease. Welcome back, Schmidt!

But Schmidt wasn’t the only returning loftmate this week…

NEXT: Welcome back, Furguson!

Furguson made an appearance! I missed that little stankface. The kitteh’s return was brief as he watched Winston prepare for the LAPD fitness exam. Still, I think he brought an invaluable amount of gravitas to the situation. For his part, Lamorne Morris brought physical comedy like nobody’s business. Converting Jess’s former room into a workout space, he had no qualms about getting his running man and his crab-walk on. Winston was on fire, y’all. I could watch an entire episode of him just working out — that’s how delicious (and pitiful) it was.

Speaking of pitiful, Coach had basically become Cece’s lapdog since they decided to keep their relationship platonic. On the upside, it gave him an excuse to embrace his inner flamboyance (and boy were those snaps in Z formation just waiting to emerge!). On the downside, it landed Coach in a bit of a tricky situation when Cece decided that Abby was using Schmidt and recruited Coach to find proof. Long story short, they were caught, and Schmidt was more than a little annoyed they’d messed up his meticulously organized trash.

Cece decided to take their vendetta on the road, so she, Coach, and Schmidt followed Abby to a shady late-night rendezvous. All they succeeded in doing was getting Cece’s car stolen. And that was after Schmidt “hit a parked car in the same neighborhood they shot friggin’ Children of Men,” and they nearly got attacked by a hobo sleeping in an abandoned car. Turns out, Abby had only come to that part of town for zippers, but the confrontation ultimately made her realize that she had latched on to Schmidt because she was terrified of being alone. It also motivated Coach to ask Cece why she was really trying to undermine Abby — and what that meant about her intentions toward Schmidt. Regardless, now that Abby’s out of the picture, the door for Schmece is wide open.

Notable Dotables…

Schmidt: What makes Abby’s jewelry so interesting is that it’s actually dangerous and can cut you. She’s going to open up a store one day, mark my words.

Coach: She shouldn’t do that.

Cece: Nope.

Abby: I’m going to open up a store in your mouth!

Jess: We have so much left to learn about each other — stuff you can only learn about if you’re crammed together in a small space, and you can’t get out. Just you and me, four walls, no boundaries, no escape!

Nick: When you put it like that, it sounds amazing… and like prison.

Schmidt: You don’t change in front of your girlfriend? You get naked in front of her.

Nick: Yes, but those are different things. When you’re naked, you’re powerful and it’s glorious. When you’re changing, you’re hunched over and cowering like an animal.

Schmidt: Animals don’t wear clothes, Nick.

Nick: All I’m saying is I need my space.

Schmidt: True intimacy. Embrace that. Abby and I? We have one sponge, and we use it for everything.

Nick: I don’t like that, but you seem happy.

Schmidt: Don’t hold back, Nick. Expose your cracks, and love will fill them.