Jim Mullen's Hot Sheet

1 War footing No red carpet at the Oscars. You look at the stars’ sacrifice and think, ”When will they stop giving?”

2 Dreamcatcher Four friends do the unthinkable and save the planet from total destruction by an alien invasion. Later, they agree that the only experience more hellish would be a sequel.

3 Academy Awards Some critics say all the campaigning, self-promotion, and advertising for the statue is pretty tacky. And they’ll be happy to appear on your TV show to talk about it.

4 Boat Trip Cuba Gooding Jr. accidentally winds up on an all-gay cruise — the S.S. Streisand from South Beach to Key West.

5 Miss USA She would like world peace. As long as it doesn’t interfere with her acting and modeling career.

6 Goodbye Mr. Fish & Chips A New York fishmonger swears a carp spoke to him in Hebrew saying the end was near. But a cow in Kansas said, ”Fish — what do they know?”

7 Dixie Chicks Some stations won’t play their songs because they dissed President Bush. What do they think this is, a free country or something?

8 Halle Berry She may be the next Catwoman. She won the part by sleeping on top of the producer’s desk while he was trying to work.

9 David Gest & Liza Minnelli They’ve scrapped their 1,200-person anniversary party. Why? The war in Iraq might get more publicity.

10 Don Johnson German police say they found $8 billion in credit notes and bank statements in his car. Along with a pewter dog and a bunch of little red hotels.

11 Razzies The Oscars for the year’s worst movies. The best part is that you rarely have to sit through an acceptance speech.

12 Oscar speeches Producers want to limit them. So they’ll have more time for insanely boring musical numbers, naturally.

13 Spider-Man Tobey Maguire’s back problems may keep him out of the sequel. It may be an old wives’ tale, but they say a piece of the gross can cure that very quickly.

14 View From the Top The harrowing story of Gwyneth Paltrow’s long and difficult struggle to become a flight attendant — when all she really wanted was to be an airline stewardess.

15 Russell Crowe He’s getting married on his birthday. How much do you want to bet he still forgets their anniversary?