The Scorpion King

When you get right down to it, The Rock is famous for two simple reasons — he can beat people up and cock his eyebrow real nice. These, of course, are among the traits Hollywood adores most, which would explain why the wrestler now gets to star in blockbuster motion pictures. The thing is, as the ancient-Egyptian epic The Scorpion King shows, he’s really good at it, especially when sticking his fist or sword in somebody’s face. (No computer-generated skeletons here, just real, live bad guys who feel real, live pain.)

Unfortunately, the star is surrounded by a predictable posse of supporting characters (the Rockettes, if you will), each more cliché — and annoying — than the last. There’s the useless zany sidekick, who in the end turns out to be not so useless; the pickpocket kid with the heart of gold; and, of course, the wacky inventor with even wackier hair. Enduring one of these lame stereotypes is painful enough, but all three? Of course, teenage boys don’t care about all of that. They just wanna smell what The Rock is cooking. Too bad in this case, it’s a big hunk of cheese.