Jim Mullen's Hot Sheet

1 Psycho
A shot-by-shot re-creation of the Dennis Rodman-Carmen Electra marriage.

2 Rush Limbaugh
He lost 80 of his 290 pounds. Fortunately, doctors found the leak before he deflated entirely.

3 Oxygen
A new cable channel just for women being started by…[Click] ”Welcome back to Extreme Curling on ESPN2.”

4 Marilyn Manson
He did several thousand dollars’ worth of damage to a hotel room in Poughkeepsie, N.Y. He unplugged the mini-bar.

5 Tom Hanks
The popular actor says he may run for office. Even though he has no pro-wrestling experience.

6 Jack Kevorkian
Charged with murder, he wants to be his own lawyer. Isn’t that a form of suicide?

7 The NBA
Some players are thinking of going back to college and becoming amateur athletes. So that they can keep getting a steady paycheck until the lockout is over.

8 Online Shopping
It makes some people uncomfortable. They miss interacting with rude and incompetent salespeople.

9 Michael Jackson
He’s thinking of sending his son to boarding school in Britain. To keep up the Jackson tradition of unhappy childhoods.

10 Garth Brooks
It’s official: He’s sold more albums containing more forgettable music than anyone ever.

11 The House of Lords
The British government is getting rid of it because the institution is useless and outdated. Unlike, say, the monarchy.

12 Nobel Prize Ceremony
Don’t worry, it won’t be televised. Unless Puff Daddy and Mariah Carey are presenters.

13 Cashmere
It’s the fabric this season, and makes a wonderful gift. For your dry cleaner.

14 Cigarettes
Tobacco companies raised the price 45 cents a pack. Soon only the wealthy will be able to get lung cancer.

15 Adam Sandler
He’s signed a two-picture deal for more than $25 million. His next movie will be called Ecstatic Gilmore.