Stream It Or Skip It: ‘Artemis Fowl’ on Disney+, Child Criminal Mastermind Can’t Con His Way Out of Half-Baked Film

Artemis Fowl on Disney+ is the first attempted film adaptation of the beloved Eoin Colfer science fiction and adventure book series of the same name. Since its June 12 release, the film has been met with criticism for its script, effects, and faithfulness to the source material. But read on to see our take and then form your own opinion of the story about a 12-year-old Irish prodigy who teams up with his family’s faithful servant, a dwarf, and a fairy in an effort to save his father from the clutches of evil.

ARTEMIS FOWL: STREAM IT OR SKIP IT?

The Gist: We begin this sci-fi tale in present-day Ireland with a man who at first glance seems to be Hagrid from Harry Potter, but upon closer inspection is noneother than Josh Gad playing a thief named Mulch Diggums (the best name ever to be said seriously in an interrogation room). While Diggums is being interrogated by British Intelligence about a theft connected to rich business guy Artemis Fowl, he says “This isn’t about the father. This is about the son,” and so, in a borderline biblical way, we are plunged into the tale of Artemis Fowl Jr (Ferdia Shaw).

Artemis is highly intelligent, extremely privileged, and for some reason, quite adept at board sports. But hey, it’s not all surfboards and beautiful Irish rainbows for young Artemis. His mother is dead, and his beloved father, Artemis Fowl Sr. (Colin Farrell), is constantly away on nondescript business. When young Artemis interrupts one of his dad’s shpeels about how it’s a shame his son isn’t as pumped about fairies as he used to be to ask if he can come with his dad on the latest business trip he’s being ditched for, his dad says it’s too dangerous, which isn’t sketchy at all. Artemis Sr. leaves that night, and the next day, young Artemis comes to the kitchen to witness a news report (seriously, who left the TV on the news channel all night?) saying not only that his dad has gone missing, but also dropping the bomb that he’s believed to be involved in several major thefts around the world, leading to an egregious waste of milk (Artemis drops a glass in shock, it’s upsetting even though you see it coming. Who’s gonna clean that up?).

Artemis’s dad is being held captive by a mysterious cloaked figure, and it’s up to Artemis to figure out what the hell an Aculos is, bring it to wherever the hell his dad is, and save him. And oh yeah, there’s also a voyage to the fairy world of Haven City, ruled by none other than Dame Judi Dench (why not?) and protected by the Lower Elements Police reconnaissance (AKA LEPrecon, because of course it is). Hong Chau makes an appearance, there’s an Italian wedding, and a exhausting number of other (largely extraneous, largely confusing) plot elements crammed into this 90 minute movie.

What Movies Will It Remind You Of?: The fairies, magic, and a second world hidden in plain sight aspects all are reminiscent of Harry Potter. Similarly, this movie is based on a popular book series, too. But the attempt to cram multiple books into one movie culminates in a result that doesn’t leave as much of a lasting impact as Harry Potter or other successful magical or sci-fi series (Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, Avengers, just to name a few) have been able to imprint upon our psyches and pop culture.

Performance Worth Watching: Josh Gad scratches up the beautiful vocal chords we once knew as the heart and soul of Frozen‘s Olaf to sound like Batman for a full hour and 25 minutes. But hey, who can resist the Josh Gad humor and charm, Batman voice or silly character name and all? He earns some good chuckles and we respect his commitment (and hope his throat is okay).

Memorable Dialogue: “Look, a giant dwarf is exactly what I need right now” – Commander Root (Judi freakin Dench) without a trace of irony

Sex and Skin: You see a sliver of Josh Gad’s hairy chest at one point. Otherwise, it’s a kid’s Disney movie. There’s some hugging, but that’s about as risqué as it gets.

Our Take: Perhaps this movie always had the odds stacked against it; It’s based on a beloved series of eight science fiction and fantasy novels. Imagine if the Harry Potter series were condensed into one movie: If this were the case, it wouldn’t be the beloved hit it is today, either. In the end, Artemis Fowl is trying to take on too much, and it ends up sacrificing character and clear plot development or points for spectacle. For example, when a character befalls a **SPOILER** towards the end of the movie, it feels a bit hollow (and even more so when this fate is shortly reversed in a way that feels unearned). We didn’t spend enough time with this character or any one character for an emotional gut punch to land.

Artemis comes off as a bit rude and borderline sociopathic at the beginning of the movie in school amongst the peers and teachers whom he all looks down upon, and this makes it a bit hard to be on his side as we progress into the action of the movie.  The plot gets muddled, as well, as multiple stories weave in and out so frequently and yet with vague, broad strokes so that by the final battle, it’s not exactly clear who is on whose side, what they’re fighting for, and why this is such a big deal (we get it, evil hooded fairy lady, you find fairy tales derogatory. You don’t have to murder everyone over it). Visually, there is some impressive world building and the filmmakers clearly went hard with the CGI and effects, but it’s the simple and unaffected shots of Ireland and its nature that are perhaps the most mystifying of all. Artemis Fowl is trying to do and be too many things in too little time, and so it was born to be an uphill battle from the start.

Our Call: SKIP IT. The cast is talented and the original Artemis Fowl series is beloved, but what seems like it should be a winning formula ultimately blows up in its combination, compression, and execution. You want to root for it, but, the movie ends up being summed up well by Artemis’s words at the end of the film: “I just followed the story.” The movie hits the basic points, but lacks the heart to round it out.

Watch Artemis Fowl on Disney+