Stream It Or Skip It: ‘Morbius’ on Netflix, a Marvel/Sony Vampire Movie in Which Jared Leto Doesn’t Eat the Scenery

Sony/Marvel revved up its CGI compository for Morbius (now on Netflix), the Spider-Man villain spinoff starring Jared Leto as a science guy who whoopsies himself into a vampire during an ill-considered experiment – an occurrence that’s pretty much your average Tuesday in Spideyville, since the place is already populated with scientists who aw-dammited themselves into lizard guys and cyborg octopus-men. Since nothing associated with the capital-M Marvel word stands alone on its own narrative merits, this movie is part of the Sony Spider-Man Universe, which includes two Venoms and upcoming Kraven the Hunter and Madame Web movies, but strangely, no actual movies with Spider-Man in them. Please don’t ask why, because it probably involves incredibly boring legalese and the invocation of the great and mighty Disney entity. Anyway, Morbius did so-so during a theatrical run and was shown the dumpster by critics, but who knows, maybe it’ll make for passable escapist viewing at home.

MORBIUS: STREAM IT OR SKIP IT?

The Gist: A man named Michael Morbius (Leto) visits Cerro de la Muerte, Costa Rica, and it doesn’t require a master’s in etymology to figure out that two proper-noun references to death means something shitty is probably going to happen sooner or later. Morbius hops out of a helicopter on a pair of crutches and hobbles to the opening of a cave and has his subordinates set up a trap to snatch a whole crapload of vampire bats. Why? Maybe the dude just likes bats! Cut to GREECE, 25 YEARS EARLIER, when young Morbius (Charlie Shotwell) meets Lucien (Joseph Esson) in a children’s hospital; they both suffer from the same blood disorder that weakens them and requires three transfusions a day. They’re best friends forever, even though Morbius insists on calling Lucien “Milo.” Why? Maybe the dude just likes the name Milo!

Now, back to the present: Morbius refuses the Nobel Prize for inventing artificial blood. Why? Maybe the dude just doesn’t like Nobel Prizes! He’s also trying to cure his condition by mixing bat and human DNA, which surely is just like eating a sandwich or walking down the street and isn’t problematic at all. Morbius is still pals with Lucien (Matt Smith of The Crown), who he still calls “Milo” for reasons that remain unexplained. I think Lucien/Milo is rich and funding Morbius’ scientific endeavors, but god knows, this movie doesn’t make anything clear, so I’m just kinda guessing at that one. Morbius’ fellow scientist Martine Bancroft (Adria Arjona) isn’t too keen on all this bat shit, but she helps him anyway – he’s a sad sight, gaunt, frail, pale, weak and desperate. He gives himself a dose of the serum, and he becomes some kind of… bat… man? He can fly around on jagged wisps of unconvincing CGI and has echolocation powers, which, hey, cool, but there’s always a hitch: “As a result of my procedure, I have an overpowering urge to consume… blood. Human blood,” he says.

As so often happens with supernatural entities, whenever Morbs goes feral, he has no memory of all the people he kills. On the plus side, he’s very healthy now, ripped and beefy, and his chest is perpetually waxed. He sups on artificial blood to keep the inner monster at bay, but it’s becoming increasingly ineffective. A couple of FBI cops (Tyrese Gibson and Al Madrigal) show up to murder scenes saying things like, “These puncture wounds – they look like fang marks to you?” Martine is concerned. Lucien/Milo is jealous, because he’s still sickly and ol’ Morbsie is robust. Things are coming to a head, and for sure it’s going to get stupider and violenter before it’s all over.

What Movies Will It Remind You Of?: One could interpret Morbius as being Leto’s bid to become an honorary member of The Lost Boys. But otherwise, this movie gives off the stink of sub-mediocre bloodsucker crud ranging from the lesser Underworlds to Priest, Dracula 2000 and, uh, Ultraviolet? Yeah, sure, Ultraviolet.

Performance Worth Watching: I scratch my head down to the skullbone upon pondering why Jared Leto devours the scenery in every movie he’s in except the one in which he plays the comic-book vampire villain man. It’s not even all that funny when his eyes go red and he morphs into a beast, going all strain-faced with constipation like the “before” picture in a Metamucil ad. Disappointing.

Memorable Dialogue: “I’m starting to get hungry – and you don’t want to see me when I’m hungry.” – Leto once again doesn’t eat the scenery

Sex and Skin: I’m disappointed to report that there are zero instances of VAMPIRE LUST in this movie.

Our Take: There are bad movies and there are boring movies – the former can be salvageable for their camp value, and the latter are often ripe for the landfill. That said, parse the following statement as you may: Morbius is bad because it’s boring. It’s barely coherent and looks like 100 other movies you either forgot you saw or didn’t bother to watch. Large chunks of screenplay seem to be MIA, and events occur without purpose or explanation. The editing room must’ve been quite the bloodbath, a crime scene in which FBI cops show up, see a movie drained of all its life and say, “These puncture wounds – they look like corporate studio fang marks to you?”

And again, Leto keeps it reigned in. Why would one hire overacting Methodeer extraordinaire Jared Leto to star in a supervillain origin story, then wet-blanket him? The film’s predecessors in this ramshackle-ass “cinematic universe,” the Venoms, featured Tom Hardy in dual roles, talking to himself in mumbling Tom Hardy croak voice and crazy obnoxious Tom Hardy voice, setting precedent for Leto to do what? Play it straight like he’s fourth-billed in Bloodrayne? The mind boggles. The movie has no style, no decent visual effects, no characters with discernible traits or motives, no inspiration, no sense and no reason to exist. And the less we say about those baffling mid-credits sequences seeking to expand the Sony So Far Spider-Manless Spider-Man Universe the better.

Our Call: I refuse to say Morbius sucks – that joke is too easy. It is, however, a dull, monotonous mess. SKIP IT.

John Serba is a freelance writer and film critic based in Grand Rapids, Michigan. Read more of his work at johnserbaatlarge.com.