Sorry, But The “Live Action” Pinocchio Puppet Is Creepy AF

Folks, I regret to inform you that the unsettling CGI remakes are at it again. This time, it’s a “live-action reimagining” of Pinocchio, which began streaming on Disney+ today. For those who remember the 1940 animated film, the 2022 Pinocchio is a surprisingly faithful rendition—except for the fact that it puts IRL actors like Tom Hanks in front of the camera, and turns the once-adorable 2D puppet into a terrifying 3D monstrosity.

It’s clear that Disney and director Robert Zemeckis (Back to the Future, Forrest Gump) tried very hard not to make the live-action Pinocchio puppet creepy. Unlike the much-maligned Lion King remake, there’s no attempt at hyperrealism here. Instead, Pinocchio is essentially a cartoon brought to life. His yellow hat, red shorts, and blue bowtie are so vibrant they practically glow. His painted-on eyes look like they were copy-pasted from the 1940 Pinocchio. The effort made to keep this new Pinocchio firmly in the realm of make-believe—and out of the uncanny valley—are obvious. And those efforts are appreciated. But it was simply not enough to mitigate the inherent wrongness of this living CGI puppet.

The moment the Blue Fairy transformed this live-action Pinocchio into a CGI “real” boy, I said “No,” out loud. I couldn’t help it. I was 100 percent on Geppetto’s side when he screamed bloody murder upon witnessing his once-inanimate puppet walk, talk, and call him “Pops.” But unlike Tom Hanks, I did not learn to love this little wooden aberration. In fact, my hatred for him only grew. He swings his arms and legs while he talks like the most precocious, annoying child actor you can imagine, multiplied by 1000. (No offense meant to child voice actor Benjamin Evan Ainsworth, who did a fine job, and is not to be blamed for his character’s off-putting demeanor.)

At one point, Pinocchio’s head stays motionless while the rest of his terrible body spins in a 360-degree circle, like some sort of sadistic reverse take on The Exorcist. You can’t tell me no one at Disney didn’t realize how horrifying that is. And don’t even get me started on the fact that this new Pinocchio has some sort of weird, yes-strings-attached romance going on with a girl puppet. They are puppets. Please stop!

Perhaps the problem here is that Pinocchio has always been creepy. The 1940 film, which is infamous for its traumatic depictions of children transforming into donkeys, has always had an unsettling air about it. Maybe there was nothing Zemeckis could have done to spare us this pain. Maybe Pinocchio, at its heart, is and always will be, a very distressing movie. But that doesn’t mean I have to like it.

It’s not quite Cats (2019), but Pinocchio (2022) is plenty horrifying. I’ll stick with cartoons, thanks.