‘The Gray Man’ Tries Very, Very Hard to Make Chris Evans Ugly

Chris Evans is a very attractive man. A significant portion of Evans’s career has revolved around this objective fact, from his role as the hot, football-playing boyfriend in Not Another Teen Movie to his ability to look good in tight spandex while saving the world as Captain America. And yet, the ambitious costuming department of The Gray Man attempted to do everything they could to make Chris Evans look bad.

To say Evans is playing against type in The Gray Man is an understatement. Captain America’s strong moral code is essentially his entire personality, while Lloyd Hansen in The Gray Man prides himself in not knowing the meaning of the word “moral.” Lloyd makes up torture techniques on the spot and gleefully murders civilians. He calls women “bitches” and throws screaming temper tantrums when things don’t go his way. He’s ugly on the inside, and, apparently, the Russo brothers—longtime collaborators of Evans—decided he needed to be at least a little bit ugly on the outside, too.

Enter “the trash ‘stache,” as Ryan Gosling’s character dubs the offensive strip of lip hair on Lloyd. Arguably one of the worst facial hair styles in existence, Evans sports a neatly-trimmed, three-inch mustache, and keeps the rest of his face clean-shaven. It’s nothing like the rugged, handsome full-beard look that Evans rocked in Avengers: Infinity War, which brought to mind lumberjacks and men who will carry you when your feet hurt. Combined with a truly heinous slicked-back hairstyle, it’s an off-putting, upsetting look that brings to mind adult film directors and men who yell at Starbucks employees.

Then there are the clothes, which are possibly even more offensive than the mustache. When we first meet Lloyd, in a scene where he shows up at a state funeral to threaten Billy Bob Thornton, he’s wearing a mustard yellow polo shirt and skin-tight khakis, and penny-loafers, looking like an emotionally abusive dad from the ’70s. It’s true that the shirt is snug enough to clearly see Evans’ Hollywood-mandated physique, but the unflattering color and design are doing everything they can to distract you from those rippling muscles. This continues throughout the film, with each new Lloyd shirt being more hideous than the last.

And yet, despite the phenomenal effort made to tone down Evans’ sexiness, you just can’t keep this sheer level of BDE down. As Decider’s Nicole Gallucci pointed out in her list of The Gray Man‘s hottest moments, “he’s still Chris Evans.” The result of this de-handsoming effort never achieves a believable level of ugliness to add anything to Lloyd’s character. Instead, it’s merely a wasted opportunity for an Evans thirst movie. Do you think Chris Evans fans are going to be drooling over GIFs of Lloyd Hansen’s trash stache in the same way they went bananas for the Knives Out sweater? Obviously not.

I never expected The Gray Man to deliver narrative substance or emotional catharsis. I didn’t even expect jaw-dropping action, knowing the Russo brothers’ track record. But, I’ll be honest: I did expect eye candy. And yet, despite casting the 2021 winner of People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive award, The Gray Man managed to biff it. C’mon.